Flo's Debt Free Diary

Aaleigha

Hi Florence

this is my first post on MSE for years, your situation has prompted me to post. the other night, while suffering a bout of insomnia, I found your diary - it has taken me a couple of days of reading to read the whole thing.

I see so many similarities between us - will not go into it on your diary.

I too was going to suggest you look into the spoon theory - and when trying to explain how you feel use it as a tool to help your friends and family begin to understand. I am sure you will find so much support now you are allowing people to know - something I didnt for years, only my hubby and daughter. I lost some 'friends' who I realised were actually not real friends. Caring people will do what they can to help - BUT that could overwhelme you - tell them
sort yourself a few things to say to people get your partner to help you with this - I have found if I have something to say people are fine, one of mine is ' today is not a good day for me, I really appreciate you and the offered (fill in here) but can I get back to you in a couple of days.'

And remember even when you do get a final diagnosis (mine is Bipolar, with severe anxiety, social phobia and mild ocd) all that in the last 5 years but I have been to the doc on and off since I was about 30 and this year I was 60. The diagnosis is NOT you, you are NOT your diagnosis. You are Florence a kind, very compasionate person, remember that no matter what. Hxx

jvr

Hi Flo


Oooo possible stress fracture is def a reason to not run right now! If you find other forms of exercise can be better for you mentally then focus on them
Glad you looked at spoon theory, my sister who has chronic fatigue uses it a lot to explain how she is feeling that day its a fab simple tool and it also makes you consider if it is a good idea to do something which might mean borrowing spoons from tomorrow and leave you short then.
It sounds like you are doing some great things to look after yourself - have you read the book wild.. it was a film too but the book is amazing and if you haven read it I would recommend it. Incredible story of a woman using a hike to get out of depression.


Take care

Florence_J

Thanks JVR, I have read Wild, the first thing I did on Wednesday was watch the film on Netflix.

If you like Wild there is another book called 'Girl in the woods' by Aspen Mathis which is also about a young woman hiking the PCT after a trauma.

jvr

ooo thanks will look it up! That film is like a comfort film to me now I could watch it over and over.


...... maybe we just need to hike the PCT!

Florence_J

jvr wrote: »

ooo thanks will look it up! That film is like a comfort film to me now I could watch it over and over.


...... maybe we just need to hike the PCT!

I would love to, I dream about it in an alternative life where I can just take off for months and do that.

Florence_J

Hi everyone,

Today has been a mostly good day. I went to see a film called The Red Turtle with my OH and two friends, who then suggested we go to a nearby burger joint afterwards which meant I had to borrow money off the OH, but he said it was a treat because I had had a traumatic week.

I was enjoying it all, but near the end of our time having our meal I began to feel anxious, because I was having a good time, and I was happy. Which made me feel bad because I felt like I couldn't enjoy myself because I am off work ill with mental health problems.

And it's kinda like 'Hello! Doing things that make you happy, having fun, that's all GOOD for poor mental health, it is what your doctor HAS TOLD YOU TO DO!'

I just have this idea that I should be suffering at all times. Which is stupid, stupid, stupid and solves nothing.

Last night OH went out with friends to a gig, which was on my suggestion as I want him to have time away from me, time where he can be free from the situation, with people he can talk to. He stayed out till 2am and came home tipsy and as a result he needed help taking off his trousers, which is what always happens when he drinks too much. :rotfl:

I am still using the exercise bike, it seems to be helping.

Florence_J

I did something that might not seem like much but to me is monumental.

There's an arts centre I used to work at and still 'volunteer' at . I put volunteer in quotation marks because the last time I volunteered was In December 2016 (we are supposed to volunteer twice a month-we get certain incentives for volunteering)

I had signed up to volunteer two shifts in May, but at the first one I was so overcome with anxiety and panic that I started crying and had to leave before my shift started, and I cancelled the one that followed.

Today I volunteered.

It was 2 hours in total. All I had to do was take the tickets off the customers for the show, then watch the show. There were 34 people and it was a very genteel show, nothing went wrong.

My friend then met me afterwards for coffee.

It is not a sign I am 100% better, but it is a sign that things I fear might not be too traumatic.

FurryBeastOz

Hiya Florence Just read your debt diary after sending you the PM so I can see some of my suggestions were redundant. Keep at it.

Florence_J

My anxiety is coming back.

This is because my boss has sent over my occupational health referral form, which needed to be approved by me, then it was sent to my work's HR department, then sent back to me for approval before it gets sent to the company's Industrial medical referral centre.

The trouble is it mentioned my recent ill health, it mentioned problems I was having in my personal life that I had told my boss about, and it mentioned the steps I have taken/will undertake...

But it didn't mention that a lot of my anxiety was caused by the job itself.

So I have just had to clarify that to my employer's HR department.

And now I am scared. I don't know exactly of what. Scared I will get a phone call or email from my boss that will be scary and angry, scared I will be fired, scared I will be 'told off'.

I am anxious and feel a bit sick and queasy.

In other news I have an appointment with Mind for an initial consultation on Thursday morning, I have an X Ray for my leg arranged for next Monday (eagle eyed readers will have noticed that both of those have been re-arranged from their original dates for various reasons, nothing to worry about) and I have an appointment in early July for a telephone career counselling session with work it out/the young women's trust.

I have taken more books out of the library ranging from feel good chick lit to social anxiety books to mindfulness books to exercise/sports books to career advice books. I found walking through town quite scary but coped, but did my usual 'ignoring and not responding' tactic to people trying to get my attention. There weren't exactly many but I still find any sort of social interaction from a stranger scary.

I finally got round to using the app 'Jobspotter', deciding to go out early this morning before the shops had opened because for some reason I got it into my head that people would get angry if they saw me taking pictures of their shop windows. I have made a fiver in amazon vouchers today just by walking up one independent high street. Admittedly it was a long road but still.

Job spotter - for those who want to know this is an app which I believed is made by or affiliated with indeed.com, and you get 'points' for taking pictures of job advertisements in shop windows and also a picture of the shop front as well, and then upload them to the app. If the ad is a hand typed note with 'apply within' on it then this sort of ad tends to award more points then a fancy, nationwide advertisement saying to apply on the website. It pays out in amazon vouchers. I don't believe from what I've seen today that there is a minimum payout amount, I think it can be any amount you have.
Another thing to know is that the pictures you take and upload can't contain any people in them.

I heard about it on the blog Lotty Earns, she says she is an ex-MSE-er.

I also did a 90 minute cycle on the exercise bike today. Also recently I have been watching the box set of Jonathan Creek on Netflix as I used to love it as a kid and the Christmas specials are still a family traditional viewing event in my family household. The good thing is now that I am no longer 9 I don't find it scary any more. It has been nice seeing all the episodes I half remembered.

Today has been an up/down day. It has not necessarily been a bad day, just one where I am glad I am at home and don't have to do anything or go anywhere.

Wysiwyg49

Hi Florence

it's only natural to feel anxious about the whole Occ Health thing, but it sounds as if you work for a company which takes these things seriously and they seem to be following the normal procedures. I've worked with staff who've been off for various stress-related things (which are often to do with work) and they've been treated very carefully - and the non-OH staff really don't get involved. I would be very surprised if you got any calls or emails from your boss, you may get a "how are you doing" call from OH/HR a bit further down the line...stick with the plan and look after yourself.

I haven't read all your diary yet, just got to it today from a post on another board, but will catch up later. Take care and keep reading, I am an obsessive reader especially when down, and try to solve almost any problem by getting a book out of the library about it!!