OH Debts - Do I sort them out?

Divingmad

Hi there oh wise ones,


I have a dilemma on my hands and was hoping you could impart some words of wisdom...oh why am I beating around the bush, I'm canvassing for opinions


Some background in...when we met, I was aware that my OH had CC's and was only paying the minimum amount. After losing her job, she stopped paying them. A couple of years later, we moved and nothing was heard from the companies until the last couple of months, in which we have started receiving DCA letters. MY OH has no intention of sorting her finances out (even if it is to investigate and determine whether they are SB).


Now, my OH has no income or savings. Up until a month ago, she was working on a contract and that has subsequently ended, so has no income, and no savings, so is essentially reliant on me to pay for everything.


So, do I leave it and let the DCA's hand the debts to a solicitor, or do I contact them on her behalf and see what occurs. I have just managed to sort my debts out and get them to a very low level, and the thoughts of having another £8k to deal with is just about to push me over the edge.


What do I do?


Thanks for reading


DM

crazy_cat_lady

I hate to sound horrible here, but if she doesn't want to help herself then there is serious potential for her to just go back into the same state again if you help her out. Obviously she is your partner, but if you do everything for her then the relationship shifts towards that of a parent and child. Believe me I have learned this through bitter experience. I know that you will feel as though you are helping, but what you are doing is rescuing her, then she will never learn that there are consequences to what she has done because there will be someone that will help her out of the situation.
Sorry if I don't sound more positive - it is incredibly difficult when you can see what is happening, but the person at the centre of it can't. To get finances sorted, people really do need to have their own lbm.

crazy_cat_lady

Incidentally - what would she do at the moment if you weren't around to support her financially? When my husband was ill a few years ago, I took over the running of the house and the finances etc. I've just finished paying everything back, and he's off work again. I have just refused to help this time in terms of finances - he needs to learn for himself.

Divingmad

Now there's an interesting question....
I suppose it would depend on what you call 'not being around'
If the relationship broke down, I suppose she would return to her parents and start over, in the same cycle of borrow and pay back later....
If I was to depart this mortal coil...all my possessions would be hers to do with as she pleases.....

January2015

If you deal with it, she is never going to learn (aka have her LBM).

However, if you don't deal with it, you are likely to have DCA's, even possibly bailiffs, chasing the debts/knocking at the door.

Difficult choices for you. It must put massive strain on your relationship as well.

Not much help, sorry

poppasmurf_bewdley

If she won't deal with these matters, it's up to you to protect yourself.

Make sure you have no joint accounts, and ensure that all your property which bailiffs may be interested in, should they call, has sufficient paper documentation to ensure they cannot take it to settle her debts.

If she doesn't want to be helped, just make sure she doesn't drag you down with her.

And personally speaking, I wouldn't give her any money when she asks for it, as she will be when she's broke.

From experience, things like this are not good for any relationship, and I would bet you are already thinking that a break may be good for you.

Dobbibill

Hi DM,

Firstly, congrats on tackling your own debts.

I have to echo what's already been said, she doesn't want to help herself so it would be unwise to take on the responsibility of her debts. She needs to learn from this and bailing her out isn't going to help her in the long run.

If she wants help in the future, maybe advise her, help her to get a budget set up but do not hand out money, it will not help.

Please make sure you are not financially linked via a joint account of any sort. You do not want to be dragged down when you have done so well with your own debts.

All the very best.

Dobbi

sourcrates

Divingmad wrote: »

So, do I leave it and let the DCA's hand the debts to a solicitor, or do I contact them on her behalf and see what occurs. I have just managed to sort my debts out and get them to a very low level, and the thoughts of having another £8k to deal with is just about to push me over the edge.
What do I do?

Thanks for reading
DM

Hi,


Solicitors, DCA`s, have no more power than you or I do, the question you have to ask is how likely they are to go to court over these debts ?


The answer is, there's no way of knowing, I have seen debts of less than £100 go to court, whilst another account owing hundreds of thousands of pounds didn't, its impossible to predict.


In reality, most debts never get to court, after six years they become statute barred, and forgotten about, if she doesn't want to deal with her debts, then that's up to her, she may never hear anything about them again, but on the other hand !!!!

Mojisola

Divingmad wrote: »

So, do I leave it and let the DCA's hand the debts to a solicitor, or do I contact them on her behalf and see what occurs. I have just managed to sort my debts out and get them to a very low level, and the thoughts of having another £8k to deal with is just about to push me over the edge.

And your OH cares so little for you that she won't do anything about her debts?

andyfromotley

How much do you love her?

For me i would find it virtually impossible to be in a relationship with someone so lassez faire about the situation. (note i am not commenting on her being in debt, Just her attitude towards sorting it.)

For me it would be a deal breaker.

MakeAChange_2

Hi, just wanted to say that i agree with many of the others, i have debts, some through my own stupidness and some through being too trusting and getting manipulated by people who are suppose to care about me, so i suppose you could say they were all through my own stupidness then haha.

my partner has no debts, and i feel terrible that i have brought this strain into our relationship (i got into debt before we met), we both work hard but he has the attitude of 'your problems are my problems' which is all very lovely but i dont think he would have that attitude if i sat on my lazy butt while he went off to work.

i do pretty much everything in the house, housework, cooking etc. and i take care of the kids and i work full time. he works very long hours and but by the time he gets home the house is immaculate, the kids are sorted and dinner is done. and then when i was very unwell he had to learn how to hoover and make dinner lol

i guess what im trying to say is every relationship is about give and take, we all have flaws, we all have problems but why should one partner in any relationship be responsible for everything while the other does nothing.

is there a valid reason that she is not working or helping financially in any way? is she seriously unwell or is it just a 'cant be bothered' attitude?