Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy a cheaper engagement ring?

moneyistooshorttomention

Pollycat wrote: »

After reading your post, I'd add to the advice I gave earlier:


My advice to the girlfriend is to ditch her shallow friends.

You don't have to be shallow to have a look at someone's engagement ring. It is absolutely expected that women will show off two things in their lives - their engagement rings and any babies they have. Every woman shown these things (and, believe me, that means EVERY woman she comes in contact with) will be shown the ring or baby concerned and expected to admire it.

If the woman herself doesn't deliberately wave the ring around to show everyone - some other woman will spot it on her hand and proceed to announce the fact to every woman within earshot (so that congratulations can start).

There's no let-off having to be the one "doing the admiring" just because you personally aren't a shallow sort of person..:rotfl:

marich

As it sounds just now , you are being set up to fail - let's hope you don't recognise that scenario... This little ring-thing triggers gut instincts in both parties - listen to your guts .

1) She has to choose the ring she likes . Go together - do not choose for her - you will get it wrong .

2) You have to be able to afford it or it's a piece of nonsense - love is what counts , you can always buy a ring later . Wait until you have the money saved and in your hand . Do not go into debt for it (a very bad signpost if her affection depends on this...)

3) In the shop or at the window , if you are hearing/seeing more about how much it should cost rather than how lovely it is , then take that as a reflection on your future - you won't be the first couple to split up in a jeweller's shop ! Keep on walking and don't look back .

The ring is nothing - you are looking to join together with someone for life - think about that !

BankerwithaB

As (a gent) who has worked in diamond retail for over 4 years, it is perfectly reasonable that you are given a guide price.

Engagement rings are not necessities, they are a social expectation, and as such if your potential fianc!e has a number of friends who have had more spent on their rings, then they will naturally want the same.

The other thing to consider is that you get what you pay for with diamond rings - often there can be shaped metal or a small number of diamonds set together, all to give the impression of a larger, more expensive/higher quality ring - yet after a few weeks, in the cold light of day, no-one is fooled.

My view is, you only buy one, she will have it forever - do you want her to love it, or forever look at it and wish she had a better one?

Pollycat

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

You don't have to be shallow to have a look at someone's engagement ring. It is absolutely expected that women will show off two things in their lives - their engagement rings and any babies they have. Every woman shown these things (and, believe me, that means EVERY woman she comes in contact with) will be shown the ring or baby concerned and expected to admire it.

If the woman herself doesn't deliberately wave the ring around to show everyone - some other woman will spot it on her hand and proceed to announce the fact to every woman within earshot (so that congratulations can start).

There's no let-off having to be the one "doing the admiring" just because you personally aren't a shallow sort of person..:rotfl:

Of course you don't have to be shallow to look at someone else's engagement ring.
And that's not what I posted.

Teacher2 wrote: »

What many of the (mainly male) commenters on this thread do not realise is that there is great pressure on women among their peers to have the perfect engagement/wedding and this idea is reinforced by wedding magazines and a whole industry spawned by the wedding media. Therefore women are being told that an engagement ring should cost a month's salary (sometimes two) and that a 'cheap' wedding costs £14,000. A woman might feel judged by her peers if there is no 'bling' on the finger. Possibly, if the lady in this case is a reasonable woman, a frank and open discussion about expectations and costs could take things forward. If an open and equal discussion is not to be had about a ring is a marriage with no candour between the parties even to be desired?

A good compromise, if the lady's feelings can be assuaged, is to buy the ring which looks good but doesn't break the bank. She can show it off and both parties will have some extra cash for the wedding. Then take exactly the same approach to the wedding of getting much bang for few bucks so that married life is not begun with an onerous debt.

Jane Austen had a few essential values to aid matrimony including respect, esteem and gratitude. But by far the most important one was mutual candour.

I was commenting on the bits in bold.

Anyone who 'judges' another woman for the fact she doesn't have 'bling' on her finger or because her diamond isn't as big as it might be is - at least in my book - shallow.

I have some lovely rings - including a 1.09 carat diamond ring - and I love looking at other people's engagement rings.

But I would never ever make someone feel that I was 'judging' something that she loves because the diamond perhaps wasn't as big as mine or as sparkly as mine.

I would definitely be shallow if I did that.

ETA:
and you do realise that it's not a 'real' dilemma, don't you......? :rotfl:

duchy

MSE_Nick wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My girlfriend's expecting me to spend a certain amount on her engagement ring, but I've found a nice one for a chunk less. Should I just buy it and not tell her how much it cost, or stump up the cash for a more expensive one?

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply!

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Should you start planning your future together by lying to her ?

Only if you already have a career making up imaginary posts for a moneysaving forum :j

bsuije

I remember reading somewhere that a woman views an engagement ring as insurance, i.e. if things go downhill before the wedding, at least she can sell the ring and splash out on holidays/shoes/clothes.

Personally, I think the look is more important, and I would recommend going shopping for the ring together. Also, have you considered lab-grown gems? There is a company called Carat I think (or maybe its name is Carat London?) that does very nice jewelry at fairly decent prices and the only "catch" is that the stones have been grown in a machine, rather than dug out of the ground.

Ebenezer_Screwj

An engagement ring is symbolic of your commitment not your wealth. It is traditional for the man to surprise the woman with the ring - just buy her what you can afford.

joehoover

I'd recommend using an alternative to the ring finger and use their middle finger to their judgmental 'friends'. Peer pressure happens at school as an adult juggling your own finances you have to do what is right for you not to keep face.

I don't know a single woman who would behave like that so these are specific sections of society bullying their mates. You can choose not not hang around with such shallow people.

Even with both partners working now, it's hard enough just to save for a deposit on a home which will set you up for the rest of your life, it puzzles me why people would spend so much on a ring/wedding and then struggle to get on the property ladder having spent what would have been a decent deposit. Think in the long term not in the moment. Granted it's not a very romantic notion, but if you're spending money to impress others rather than your own health and happiness then I doubt it is a romantic gesture you're doing anyway.

Pollycat

joehoover wrote: »

I'd recommend using an alternative to the ring finger and use their middle finger to their judgmental 'friends'. Peer pressure happens at school as an adult juggling your own finances you have to do what is right for you not to keep face.

Love it! :T

CCGirl

I admit I skim read the above so apologies if I've missed something but I'm selling my platinum band and princess diamond engagement ring so message me if you want to buy it from me!

(not very romantic I know but cheaper than shop price and was expensive!)