Struggling with whether to leave

supersaverkerry

[QUOTE=Guest101;69379023


So when was the last time you both just concentrated on yourselves as a couple, without work/education/children/money coming into it?[/QUOTE]



We have date nights about once every 4-6 weeks and we have a child free weekend once a month to enjoy time together. It's hard when we have such busy lives but tbh it seems all for nothing now, I get the feeling that no matter how much more effort I put in it won't be enough to fix things.

DCFC79

You deserve so much better than him, stick to your guns and leave the guy.

daytona0

At the end of the day I'm not going to criticise either choice you make because it is quite a tough one.

I'll just say that if you leave this guy then I wouldn't expect to see a similar thread 8 months down the line which starts with something like "about 3 years ago we had a break where I moved out for about 5 months" - dates and timeframes different, obviously

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Freeraine

One of the things that stands out from your post is the amount of debt that you have incurred as a result of the living arrangement: ten thousand pounds. You say that he 'doesn't mind' the fact that you don't contribute as much as he does to the running of the household, but surely a decent and loving partner would recognise that you are paying a high price and make allowances while you were studying and until your career takes off?

In a relationship you would expect that couples would support each other financially through times of no or low income - unemployment, sickness, a change of career and so on. You're not friends-with-benefits sharing a house, or are you? One of the conversations that I would have had, a long time ago, would have been something like: "I will be unable to make any contribution to running this household for the next four to six months because of my debts. What do you suggest?"

I don't think anyone should apologise for carrying out some detective work when they suspect that their partner is hiding something. It's the only way of protecting ourselves and our children sometimes. I wish more women would do it. I've met too many men who have inserted themselves into the lives of women with very young children for evil purposes, I suppose. I'm not saying that your boyfriend has been searching dating sites for women with children, or pursuing his ex now that she has a baby, I'm saying that, from my professional experience, checking him out is OK and there is no need to feel guilty about it.

Guest101

Freeraine wrote: »

One of the things that stands out from your post is the amount of debt that you have incurred as a result of the living arrangement: ten thousand pounds. You say that he 'doesn't mind' the fact that you don't contribute as much as he does to the running of the household, but surely a decent and loving partner would recognise that you are paying a high price and make allowances while you were studying and until your career takes off?

In a relationship you would expect that couples would support each other financially through times of no or low income - unemployment, sickness, a change of career and so on. You're not friends-with-benefits sharing a house, or are you? One of the conversations that I would have had, a long time ago, would have been something like: "I will be unable to make any contribution to running this household for the next four to six months because of my debts. What do you suggest?" - Up to this point I agreed with you

I don't think anyone should apologise for carrying out some detective work when they suspect that their partner is hiding something. - So it's ok to completely ignore someone's right to privacy, your right to know supercedes that ? It's the only way of protecting ourselves and our children sometimes. - What have the children got to do with it? I wish more women would do it. - Just women? So men shouldn't? I've met too many men who have inserted themselves into the lives of women with very young children for evil purposes, I suppose. - When you say evil? I'm not saying that your boyfriend has been searching dating sites for women with children, or pursuing his ex now that she has a baby, I'm saying that, from my professional experience, checking him out is OK and there is no need to feel guilty about it. - On what basis? I'm confused as to what you're implying

If you're implying that this guy has inclinations which are rather unsavoury, that's a big leap from someone that wants to have kids and be in a family.


A very big leap. Think you need to spell out exactly what you were trying to say.

Freeraine

To Guest101

I'm saying that it alright to check online activities and any suspicions. My example may appear extreme and shocking to some, but it's a valid example of cases where a knight in shining armour is not all he appears to be.
I made that clear and I think that you are trying to twist my words and cause a drama.

Guest101

Freeraine wrote: »

To Guest101

I'm saying that it alright to check online activities and any suspicions. My example may appear extreme and shocking to some, but it's a valid example of cases where a knight in shining armour is not all he appears to be.
I made that clear and I think that you are trying to twist my words and cause a drama.

Hi.


I'm saying it's not ok to invade other people's privacy.


If you have concerns about the safety of your children, then you shouldn't need to 'check to be sure', you put a stop to the potential danger straight away.


I actually find your views quite worrying. And more so as you claim to work in some sort of advisory level.


- I'm genuinely shocked at this attitude. It's no wonder that studies show men are unwilling to come to the aid of a child who appears to be lost. Apparently even stepping into a pre-made family makes you an abuser these days.

Angry_Bear

It's a shame this thread has been dragged off topic .

supersaverkerry wrote: »

I confronted him tonight anyway and he actually laughed at me, I said I knew he was up to his old tricks again and he just said yeah I am but we aren't talking about it because you will get yourself worked up again.

So there we have it, that is just how much he thinks of me!

^^ Please re-read this every time you wonder whether you should stay, and whether he will change. This reaction says very clearly that he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and doesn't think you should be getting upset. This is not a sign of someone filled with regret for a mistake.

KARO

Guest101 wrote: »

I'm saying it's not ok to invade other people's privacy.

Yes you should respect your partner's privacy. But respect goes both ways, and if he's chasing other women behind her back, he clearly has no respect at all for the OP, it goes both ways. He can't complain when she does a bit of detective work.

enjoythesilence

What a horrible situation OP. I think everyone has their cheating boundaries and it all depends on the length/strength of the relationship as to whether it means its time to break up. Personally, if my OH of nearly 8 years was looking at dating sites I would ask him why. Hopefully this would be enough to get to the bottom of the issue. If he continued and started actively seeking women to talk to or date I would give him an ultimatum. If he did it once more he'd be gone. I don't consider flirting to be cheating unless its done with intent to cheat (if you get me?)

His reaction when you confronted him says it all. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship with you and you don't deserve his disrespect.

I think having to quit university is the real issue here for you. Is there any potential for your kids dad to have them full time for the rest of your course? Have you done a benefits calculator to see how much you could receive being a single full time student with kids?

Is it possible to get better paid care work for now? Could you see if there are any HCSW vacancies at your local NHS trust? These tend to be far better paid than carer jobs.

I hope you find a way through!