Struggling with whether to leave

redvision95

Ill put it blunt.

LEAVE HIM AND FORGET HIM.

He is on dating sites and chats to his ex for a reason. He isnt worth it. Im sure there may be other ways to get into the career you want, even if it takes a little longer?

Guest101

When was the last time you had a break, just the two of you, away from the kids for 2-3 (or even more) days?

ripplyuk

Looking at dating sites is cheating. There's no doubt about it in my book anyway. It's nothing to do with whether you're 'meeting his needs' or not. Grown ups talk about any issues like that together, instead of cheating.

Only you can decide if you want to put up with it or not. I wouldn't.
Have you really looked into every possibility of help to stay on your course? A friend of mine managed to finish her degree as a single mum. I think she was given income support and some sort of tax credits, as well as help with the rent. Could your children's father help at all?

FBaby

Your post seem to sway towards you wanting to stay with him and trying to convince yourself that he isn't a bad person. From an outsider reading the facts you've posted, it is very difficult to see how he really cares and love you. There are many relationships that are not perfect that are worth fighting for, but someone who proclaims that he loves you but then texts his long term ex-girlfriend to say he wants to get back with her?

You need to face reality, he has no respect for you and never has. You gave him one chance and he blew it. You can be lucky and one chance does the trick, but two chances never ever ever does so.

supersaverkerry

The boys father contributes what he can and is very good, I can not fault him. He has another child now too to support, he also works shifts so it is not easy for him to do more childcare, we work what we can between us all.


My degree is in nursing so I have to do placements and have no choice over the shifts I do, I do agency care work to get extra income but it makes me exhausted, I physically can not do any more. I know I would get a little more help if I were single but I've done the calculator for bursary and it won't go up much as we already get almost full bursary, plus childcare costs only get paid partially regardless of income.


I know many women on my course who have dropped out along the way because of changes in circumstances, the course is really tough.


I think I know where I am heading as I will never be able to trust him, it just makes me sad that all I have worked for I am now going to let go.

supersaverkerry

FBaby wrote: »

Your post seem to sway towards you wanting to stay with him and trying to convince yourself that he isn't a bad person. From an outsider reading the facts you've posted, it is very difficult to see how he really cares and love you. There are many relationships that are not perfect that are worth fighting for, but someone who proclaims that he loves you but then texts his long term ex-girlfriend to say he wants to get back with her?

You need to face reality, he has no respect for you and never has. You gave him one chance and he blew it. You can be lucky and one chance does the trick, but two chances never ever ever does so.

I think you are right, by giving too many chances already I have kind of given him a free pass to just carry on, why wouldn't he, afterall he has gotten away with it before, why would it be different now

Guest101

supersaverkerry wrote: »

I think you are right, by giving too many chances already I have kind of given him a free pass to just carry on, why wouldn't he, afterall he has gotten away with it before, why would it be different now

Because someone who loves you wouldn't want to carry on. Regardless if you were ok with it or not.


However - the relationship has hit a rutt, often this is down to pressures of life and not releasing that in a constructive way.


So when was the last time you both just concentrated on yourselves as a couple, without work/education/children/money coming into it?

hippychick1

I did the nursing course as a single parent with three young children. It is very difficult, but you would get housing benefit, not sure if you have taken that into account? How long do you have left on the course?

I hope you find a solution to your situation, I think if it was me I wouldn't be able to trust him again.

daytona0

"lately we have spoken about saving a deposit for a house, holidays, marriage etc... we have been planning a future and now this is a real blow."

- You've got 10k of credit card debt, you work 10 hours a week AND you're doubting this guy every single day!


I'm sorry but you need to sort your own life out a bit here.... I just can't see how you are in a position to even be contemplating a house deposit and marriage (we can all do a cheap holiday though; fly to Krakow for a weekend and it costs you £150 ish, for example).


I would be extremely skeptical if you told me that you couldn't move out and be independent in this situation.... The 10 hours work is enough to pay for food, and the bursary/grants should be more than enough to cover an all inclusive £350 a month house share (not in London mind you) - or stick on a few more k onto your credit card You may also have friends and family who can sub you for a while...

I have always been of the mindset that if someone cheats on me emotionally or physically (and it isn't part of the "terms and conditions" of the relationship - because I'm open to an open relationship if made clear!) then they get binned. I'd rather sleep on my mate's couch than live with someone who didn't care about me, relying on them for money etc.

Ultimately the decision is yours, and I wouldn't criticise you for staying with him or leaving him. Relationships are complex. From what you've said, though, it does sound like he is taking advantage of you big time and a lot of people wouldn't stand for that kind of behaviour. I just think that you are finding it hard to leave because you are a bit too reliant on him at the moment.

supersaverkerry

daytona0 wrote: »

"lately we have spoken about saving a deposit for a house, holidays, marriage etc... we have been planning a future and now this is a real blow."

- You've got 10k of credit card debt, you work 10 hours a week AND you're doubting this guy every single day!


I'm sorry but you need to sort your own life out a bit here.... I just can't see how you are in a position to even be contemplating a house deposit and marriage (we can all do a cheap holiday though; fly to Krakow for a weekend and it costs you £150 ish, for example).


I would be extremely skeptical if you told me that you couldn't move out and be independent in this situation.... The 10 hours work is enough to pay for food, and the bursary/grants should be more than enough to cover an all inclusive £350 a month house share (not in London mind you) - or stick on a few more k onto your credit card You may also have friends and family who can sub you for a while...

I have always been of the mindset that if someone cheats on me emotionally or physically (and it isn't part of the "terms and conditions" of the relationship - because I'm open to an open relationship if made clear!) then they get binned. I'd rather sleep on my mate's couch than live with someone who didn't care about me, relying on them for money etc.

Ultimately the decision is yours, and I wouldn't criticise you for staying with him or leaving him. Relationships are complex. From what you've said, though, it does sound like he is taking advantage of you big time and a lot of people wouldn't stand for that kind of behaviour. I just think that you are finding it hard to leave because you are a bit too reliant on him at the moment.

!

I didn't say I was planning these things in the near future! When I qualify there is no reason why I wouldn't be able to pay off my debt and start saving for things like a deposit or a holiday?? I am talking of a 5-10 year plan not any time soon, surely planning for a future is quite normal.

And I'm afraid a house share his hardly practical in my situation since there are children involved.

My bursary and grants currently come to about £650 per month, I know this would go up a bit is his wage was not taken into account and I was a single parent but it would still be difficult. If it were just me then yes I could move into a shared place but as it stands I have to think about childcare costs both while on placement and working part time.

Any way I have decided to get out even though it means leaving uni. I will work full time again at an agency as I did before I started the course so I can choose my hours to suit and not have to worry about child care. Maybe some time in the future I will go back, doubtful but who knows - I certainly am not going to stick around because I am reliant on him, that is not morally right and would make me not better than he is.

I confronted him tonight anyway and he actually laughed at me, I said I knew he was up to his old tricks again and he just said yeah I am but we aren't talking about it because you will get yourself worked up again.

So there we have it, that is just how much he thinks of me!