Struggling with whether to leave

supersaverkerry

Sorry this is long! I am writing it to get it all out and also really welcome and words of wisdom because I don't know what to do!

I have been with my partner for 5 years, about 3 years ago we had a break where I moved out for about 5 months, basically we moved in together far too soon and drifted away because I think it was all a bit much especially as he is a bit younger than myself and had never lived with anyone before where as I had lived with someone for 8 years previously.

Part of our split was due to him going on dating sites all the time, he always maintained that he was only looking and never met anyone, which I think is true but hurts all the same.

While we were split I had a brief relationship with someone else, nothing serious which ended in an amicable split. During that time I realised I really do love him and eventually after many calls, texts and conversations where he begged me to come back I did.

Things were great for a long time and we talked through why we split in the first place and agreed things had gone too quickly and that neither of us had handled things well.

About 6 months after we got back together I became pregnant which we were both very happy about especially as I had been told I could not have any children! So while it was a shock we were both happy as he had always told me that while he loves me he really does want children and had asked me if I would consider adoption as he wanted to be a father at some point in the future.

Sadly at 12 week I miscarried which was very difficult for us, having thought we would not have a natural child together, then finding we would and then having it all taken away.

Anyway, a couple of months after the miscarriage I found out he had been on dating sites again and had even arranged to meet someone that he had been chatting to extensively while I was pregnant. Again I felt so hurt but forgave him when he said how sorry he was and how the surprise pregnancy had caused him to panic and look elsewhere.

I let it go and we have trundled along, I started uni as a mature student, we moved into a new house and both got new jobs for a fresh start and I thought everything was ok - sure we argue sometimes but who doesn't.

Yesterday I went into the bathroom and he was in the bath on his phone, he quickly closed the screen and had a guilty look on his face.

It has been bothering me all day, so I looked on his facebook - I know I shouldn't snoop but something just told me I had to look.

My gut feeling was right, there are messages between him and his ex where he tells her how much he misses her (this is an ex of 6+ years). how he misses her amazing smile, wants to see her and basically lavishing her with compliments. I don't remember the last time he complimented me.

One of the worst things for me is that this started back up about 7 months ago which is around the time she announced her pregnancy, I remember him telling me about it and now she has a new baby, something I am unlikley to be be able to offer.

I feel like he is trying to get back with her because he has clearly always held a flame for her and now she has this new baby with no father on the scene.

I feel like I want to get out, like nothing has ever changed and that he has probably spent the whole of our relationship at least chatting up other women and who knows what else. I have done more digging and found him signed up to many dating sites too.

I am so torn, if I leave my life is in tatters, I will have to leave uni and the course I am doing is so intense and means I can only actually work around 10 hours a week - he pays most bills and I contribute my bursary, loans and small income. Most of what I contribute comes in credit cards and I currently owe £10000 on them.

When I qualify it will be as a professional and I will have a very respectable income, we have always been open about finances and he has always said he doesnt mind that I contribute less especially as when I finish I will actually earn more than him.

lately we have spoken about saving a deposit for a house, holidays, marriage etc... we have been planning a future and now this is a real blow.

Do I leave which means ending my uni as I can not afford to live if I stay especially with my level of debt and card repayments. or do I stay and be unhappy knowing that he really doesnt love me.

I know I have to talk to him about it, but I know he will just say sorry, make an excuse, say he doesnt mean it etc...

Any words of wisdom?

fairy_lights

supersaverkerry wrote: »

Do I leave which means ending my uni as I can not afford to live if I stay especially with my level of debt and card repayments. or do I stay and be unhappy knowing that he really doesnt love me.

Are you sure you would have to quit your course if you left him? If you have loans and a bursary, as well as a part time job you should be able to support yourself. It might mean moving in to a room in a shared house and living very frugally for a while but I really think you should investigate ways you can make it financially viable to continue your studies.
Edit:another option might be to take a year out of your course to sort yourself out financially before going back when you're in a better place.
It doesn't sound like a particularly happy or healthy relationship to be honest and if he has repeatedly joined dating sites and messaged other women despite having been caught out before, I doubt you'll ever really be able to trust him.

VfM4meplse

The priority is to get this man out of your life. You'll never feel secure in the relationship: quite frankly he doesn't deserve you, and the rest of your life will suffer because of it.

I would speak to your HEI tutor and explain your predicament. It may mean a radical change in living arrangements but I think maxing-out a low-interest student loan might be the best option for you under the circumstances.

Remember that you have a bright future, just not with this guy.

FBaby

What horrible deceit. You have two choices: 1/ you stay with him, but only as a mean to finish your course and then get rid of him. Not a very nice thing to do, up to you to decide whether he doesn't deserve better respect, or 2/ you dump him and find another way to finance your life.

Staying with him and hoping for a future together shouldn't be an option, he is not trustworthy.

carefullycautious

Red flags are a flying. Why is he talking to an ex of 6 years who he says has had a baby and now trying to get back with her


There is something very distasteful going on here and you really need to open your eyes to his lies. Saying sorry does not make it right.

DCFC79

It needs to be your decision at the end of the day.

Can you trust him going forward with what hes done ? there's the dating sites and the 1 he was chatting to, chatting to his ex on FB chat.

You should be shot of him I guess a question to ask is can you see a future with him ?

restless6

You two just don't sound like you are meant to be!

fuzzyduck22

Hi Kerry

Does he act as a father figure to your two sons? It sounds like he maybe likes the initial excitment of getting to know new people/new relationships but gets bored in the long run.

This relationship does not sound healthy for anyone.

gabriel1980

I'm sure he does love you, but he's probably just looking for some excitement, are you meeting his needs?

supersaverkerry

Thank you for the replies , just to answer some questions -


Yes I would have to quit the course if I left him, I can't get any loans I have already tried as I wanted to consolidate my credit cards, even with my bursary and loan and my part time work I can not see how I can afford to rent anywhere - shared is not really an option with the 2 children I already have ( sorry to clarify my infertility is not life long, a complication with the birth of my youngest has left me in a physical state where by I was told I would be unlikely to conceive again and as was shown with the last pregnancy even if I do I seem unable to carry a pregnancy).


I have no intention of staying with him just to finish my course as that would be very selfish and I am not that kind of person. It is just something that needs to be considered for my situation.


I actually am really struggling with my course as it is, going back as a mature student around a majority of youngsters and the struggles I already have with childcare, finances and the general demands of the course mean if I left I would be unlikely to return, I have stuck it out so far as I know the career I want is at the end of the tunnel.


Yes he does act in a way as a father figure to my 2 boys, but obviously there is their own father in the mix who is very active in their life despite not living with us any longer.


I think fuzzyduck is right, it is the excitement he wants from these new people and perhaps he doesn't intend on meeting them, but emotionally it still feels like he is cheating.


I'm not sure what you mean by meeting his needs Gabriel, if you mean in the bedroom then I can not see how I could not be as we have always had no issues on that department and been very open and adventurous. As for life in generally I try to meet his needs yes although it feels one sided. I can't make every moment of our lives exciting because for starters that would take effort on both parts, but also life just isn't that way.


I plan date nights, cook, do the household chores, spent time with him etc... when I bring up any issues we might have he tells me it is all good, so not sure where to start. I am not perfect by any means but I really don't think I can be blamed for him straying .

Lunar_Eclipse

Oh dear.

He doesn't deserve you so I would move on, but explore all options that might help you finish your studies.