Miscarriage advice........

[Deleted User]

My best friend had a miscarriage in March this year, her due date would have been around 13/11/2015.

I know she will be upset about it around this time as they have been trying for a while to get pregnant & I want to send her a wee bunch of flowers or something to let her know that I am thinking about her during this time.

What do you think? What would your reaction have been if it was you? I don't want to make her feel worse?

Thanks in advance.

Dxxx

Guest101

How does she know the due date?


Unless I'm mistaken that is done at the 12 week scan. which would have been in May?


Anyway, to answer your question, offer to take her out for a meal or something.


This way it either takes her mind off the date, or lets her commemorate it with someone who cares.

Emmalooking2savemoney

Flowers would be thoughtful or having a takeout at home and watch a film. It will probably be upsetting for her but I'm sure she will appreciate the effort

jackieblack

It would have upset me more
I know the due date of every baby I miscarried, but wouldn't have wanted other people reminding me of it.


Guest101, initial dating is(or was, all the times I was pregnant) usually worked out from the first day of last period.
Medical people like to think that they can get a more accurate date at the 12 week (or earlier) scan, although as all parents know, in reality the baby will come when it's ready and not on a date prescribed by the medical profession!

ognum

Guest101 wrote: »

How does she know the due date?


Unless I'm mistaken that is done at the 12 week scan. which would have been in May?


Anyway, to answer your question, offer to take her out for a meal or something.


This way it either takes her mind off the date, or lets her commemorate it with someone who cares.

Pregnant mums can work out their due date from the date of their last menstral period when they are just one day late.

I would talk with her about it, ask her how she wants to commemorate the time. It is hard for us to know whether she would like to be alone, be with friends or just her partner, talk about it or keep the baby in her thoughts.

We all grieve differently what can be useful to one person will not to another. Talk to her and she will tell you. What a great friend you are to think about it.

Bean83

Does your friend want to be reminded of it? Does she talk about it with you? If she hasn't mentioned it for a while, then I would be reluctant to bring it up for fear of upsetting her further, particularly if she is trying to forget the date in question and move on.

ognum

Bean83 wrote: »

Does your friend want to be reminded of it? Does she talk about it with you? If she hasn't mentioned it for a while, then I would be reluctant to bring it up for fear of upsetting her further, particularly if she is trying to forget the date in question and move on.

There is a problem with this, many many bereaved people I have contact with are upset simply because people stop talking about their loved one.

Just because someone stops talking about a death does not mean they have forgotten it they simply think you want to forget it are embarrassed or find the conversations difficult.

This friend is likely never to forget. Think of the prople who you have loved and have died, you never forget them and the loss of a yet to be born child is just as painful and difficult.

Take the lead from the friend, do talk to her about it, you are unlikely to make it any more painful than it already is and you just may make it a bit easier.

FBaby

That's the problem, not two people will react the same, so it's very hard to know what the right thing. In my case, I would have been extremely touched by the gesture (and that you'd remembered the due date).

There is one thing that upset me after the miscarriage and that was people telling me 'don't worry, it will happen again quickly'. I wanted to shout back 'how do you know?'. As it turned out, they were wrong.

Gelly123

What a thoughtful gesture for your friend.

I would say, talk to your friend in advance to see if they plan to do something to commemorate their baby on that particular date - and please remember her partner too, it's not just the lady that experiences grief at the loss of a baby.

As Fbaby says and from personal experience of 4 miscarriages in 20 months, I would have also been extremely touched by the kind thought. It doesn't have to be anything big, the smallest of gestures would be appreciated. Other than my husband, nobody has remembered any of our "special dates" but I can assure you, we wouldn't forget them.

What a lovely person you are - wish there were many more people like you!
Gelly
x

Mrshaworth2b

You could always send the flowers as a "because your a great friend" thing. Just to make her smile. There doesn't need to be a mention of the miscarriage unless she says? Then you don't need to worry about reminding her of the loss and she will feel valued as a great friend?

Mrshaworth2b

FBaby wrote: »

There is one thing that upset me after the miscarriage and that was people telling me 'don't worry, it will happen again quickly'. I wanted to shout back 'how do you know?'. As it turned out, they were wrong.

How insensitive, as if getting pregnant again quickly would take the pain away from losing a baby in the first place? You wouldn't say to someone who lost a friend, don't worry you have plenty more. Sorry this was said to you