Am I being unreasonable?

poorlittlefish

My partner has an arrangement with his ex whereby he sees his kids two evenings a week and from Friday to Sunday on alternate weekends. On the weekends he has his kids we see each other after he's taken them home on the Sunday. I understand that his kids will always be more important than me, I've never got in the way of this and am supportive of his time with them.

However, it's begun to irritate me that he can never tell me when he'll be free on the Sunday because his ex doesn't tell him what time to bring them home until that afternoon. Any plans we might have for the evening are put on hold until she decides what she's doing, so I can't really plan my day. Yesterday afternoon she just told him she didn't know when she and her boyfriend would be back and I didn't think that was very fair on us.

I asked why he and his ex can't agree a (regular) time for him to bring the kids back on a Sunday so that everyone involved knows what's going on. Either that or it might just be better to say we don't see each other on those Sunday evenings so I can plan what to do with my day. Is this a reasonable request?

Mojisola

poorlittlefish wrote: »

Either that or it might just be better to say we don't see each other on those Sunday evenings so I can plan what to do with my day. Is this a reasonable request?

I wouldn't fuss about seeing him on the Sundays when he has his children - it's an easily removed source of stress.

Far better that he is concentrating on his kids when he has them and not worrying about the time and when you two can get together.

balletshoes

yes i think its reasonable to suggest that you don't see each other on Sundays, if that suits you both, that evening doesn't have to be set in stone and presumably you can be together on other nights of the week?

DUTR

poorlittlefish wrote: »

My partner has an arrangement with his ex whereby he sees his kids two evenings a week and from Friday to Sunday on alternate weekends. On the weekends he has his kids we see each other after he's taken them home on the Sunday. I understand that his kids will always be more important than me, I've never got in the way of this and am supportive of his time with them.

However, it's begun to irritate me that he can never tell me when he'll be free on the Sunday because his ex doesn't tell him what time to bring them home until that afternoon. Any plans we might have for the evening are put on hold until she decides what she's doing, so I can't really plan my day. Yesterday afternoon she just told him she didn't know when she and her boyfriend would be back and I didn't think that was very fair on us.

I asked why he and his ex can't agree a (regular) time for him to bring the kids back on a Sunday so that everyone involved knows what's going on. Either that or it might just be better to say we don't see each other on those Sunday evenings so I can plan what to do with my day. Is this a reasonable request?

In that sense I wouldn't get involved, like you say either choose to have a Sunday to yourself or choose a late time to meet when the 'coast is clear' eg 1900hrs onwards.
The contact at the moment is a standard arrangement when access has been fought for from the NRP quite often.

Mojisola

How long have you been partners? Could you have the occasional Sunday afternoon doing things together with the children?

uncreative

His time with his kids is precious, he needs to spend as much time, and as much quality time with them as possible. You should know that his kids will always come first, no matter how deeply he might love you. Its a fact of life; your kids are number 1.

Why don't you just do what you need to do on these Sunday's, and don't make plans to see each other then if you do its a bonus?

poorlittlefish

Only three months but things have moved fast and he's already mentioned the 'M' word as a possibility :-0. He's asked how I'd feel about meeting the kids but for me it's far too early.

Mojisola

poorlittlefish wrote: »

Only three months but things have moved fast and he's already mentioned the 'M' word as a possibility :-0. He's asked how I'd feel about meeting the kids but for me it's far too early.

You're probably right - three months isn't very long when children are concerned - but if the relationship is serious, don't leave it too long.

Meeting them maybe every other Sunday afternoon (so once a month) means you can spend time together without them seeing you staying over and them still having plenty of time with their Dad to themselves.

TBagpuss

Yes, it is reasonable to decide that you won't make plans with him on the Sundays when the children are with him, or to make non time-sensitive plans (e.g you telling him that he is welcome to come over to yours for a night in front of the TV)

His primary responsibility s to his children. He and his ex may have found that a degree of flexibility works best for them both - or he may feel that not fitting round her wishes will result in tensions or cutting of contact, but ultimately that is for him to work out with her.

Yes, it would be easier for you if he and she could agree a set time, but that requires both of them to be reasonable, and then also to be willing to be flexible if and when the need arises. That's very difficult for a lot of people, and if your partner has found a way of dealing with things that means his kids get stress-free, regular contact then it's reasonable for him to decide not to rock that particular boat.

Of course you could discuss it with your partner - ask him whether he thinks she would be willing to discuss a more regular arrangement, whether taking them straight to school on Monday morning would be an option so that the timing issue on Sunday doesn't arise, or even whether he could discuss with her the possibility of agreeing on the Friday what time they will go home on the Sunday, but if he says tht isn't possible, then it's reasonable to accept that.

After all, as you accept, they are important, and his commitment to them predates his relatinoship with you

poorlittlefish

Just to mention that it's him who's always wanted to see me after taking his kids back on a Sunday, not the other way around. When I've suggested we give it a miss he doesn't like it but I think it's for the best so I just get on with things in my own life.

Anatidaephobia

I think that you need to simply accept he cannot make concrete plans on this particular day and you should take control of your own plans for Sundays.

Why don't you just do whatever you want to do on a Sunday (and tell him in advance that you have other plans); if he texts you at 5pm saying "Just dropped the kids off. I'm free tonight. Are you?" then you can decide, based on whatever you're doing, whether or not you want to see him. If you're free, you can still see him if you wish to, if you're busy then arrange to see him another day instead.