Gifted Children

FBaby

This is not envy, but a recognition that a parents assessment of their child's abilities is not always accurate. Also, I suspect the terms gifted and talented are often used in a wider way, rather than the more narrow educational definition.

Totally agree with that, the problem though is that parents who do have very clever/gifted/talented children, as assessed by schools, or other professions often feel doubted the second they mention something, directly or not directly related to their child ability and as a result, don't feel at ease discussing their child with others because of it.

Children need the space to be themselves and explore their own strengths, not be constantly compared with their siblings.

Absolutely, but that applies to ALL children, and gifted children SHOULD be able to be themselves too.

Both DD and DS felt that they had to hide that their intelligence when starting secondary school because of worry of being labelled and teased. It took them over a year to adjust and slowly start acting themselves, ie. not hiding their ability, whilst showing they were still the same fun person. Both have now managed to be accepted for being totally themselves but they were no different to other kids who felt self-conscious with new people.

FBaby

It's very hard to have a discussion like this as so many posters take comments suggesting that either their "gifted" child is just very bright or that in future their abilities might be challenged in ways they are not prepared for, like it is some personal attack. It isn't.

But who are non professional to challenge this and put the parents in a position to defend it? Yet, that is almost always the position we are put in. I've found the way to deal with this in personal life, I make no mention of it until the person I am talking to does. This way, I don't feel like I can be accused of boasting, having an inflated sense of my kids' worth, or the need to use it to boast my own.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

And I don't agree with this. Why teach a clever child that effort is MORE valued? Both are values and they should make the best of both.

Intellect comes naturally, its something the child is (essentially) born with and has no control over.

Effort comes from the child themselves.

Its like children being praised excessively for the way they look, what good does that do them? Surely its better to instil in them that the most highly valued attributes should be those that they choose and that come from them. Hard work, effort, kindness, sharing, fairness etc.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Both DD and DS felt that they had to hide that their intelligence when starting secondary school because of worry of being labelled and teased. It took them over a year to adjust and slowly start acting themselves, ie. not hiding their ability, whilst showing they were still the same fun person. Both have now managed to be accepted for being totally themselves but they were no different to other kids who felt self-conscious with new people.

I do agree that children shouldn't feel embarrassed about doing well in school, being bright etc.

They aren't the only kids keeping their heads down and adjusting their behaviour a bit to get by in secondary school though, pretty much every kid is one way or another. The religious child hides that they go to church every Sunday, the child who struggles to even read and write masks it with poor behaviour, the child who doesn't get the jokes laughs the loudest, the musical ones take their instrument cases in really early before the others can see them and the physically weaker and smaller boys make friends with the biggest bullies to avoid being a target.

Schools are crazy places in terms of their social makeups and hierarchies. Its not just the cleverest kids who feel the effect of that!

FBaby

You could say that an ability to make efforts comes more naturally to some than others though.

I'm not talking about praising excessively for their intellect, it's not about praise anyway, it's about what is valued.

I tell my kids that they are lucky to have a natural attribute and that they should be commended for their efforts to use to its best ability. Both are valuable, just in different ways. Just like I tell them they are lucky to be born healthy and need to make efforts to look after they body.

quidsy

FBaby wrote: »

But who are non professional to challenge this and put the parents in a position to defend it? Yet, that is almost always the position we are put in. I've found the way to deal with this in personal life, I make no mention of it until the person I am talking to does. This way, I don't feel like I can be accused of boasting, having an inflated sense of my kids' worth, or the need to use it to boast my own.

Why do you need to defend it though? No one forces you or other parents to get into it with others. I actually can't think of a situation where I need to justify my sons natural abilities to the point of defense. He is just good at some things & not so good at others. If someone asks, I tell them, they can tell me their kids achievements too & I will be pleased for them but I don't use it as a topic starter.

FBaby

They aren't the only kids keeping their heads down and adjusting their behaviour a bit to get by in secondary school though, pretty much every kid is one way or another.

Which is what I said when I wrote that they were no different to other kids who felt self-conscious. My point was that every child should feel good about themselves for who they are.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

You could say that an ability to make efforts comes more naturally to some than others though.

I'm not talking about praising excessively for their intellect, it's not about praise anyway, it's about what is valued.

I tell my kids that they are lucky to have a natural attribute and that they should be commended for their efforts to use to its best ability. Both are valuable, just in different ways. Just like I tell them they are lucky to be born healthy and need to make efforts to look after they body.

That sounds like a good balance.

You do seem to be taking this very personally though! I'm sure your kids are very bright. You certainly write well and these things do tend to be inherited!

A few of us are just a bit sceptical that whenever there's any mention of 'gifted' children the forum seems to be flooded with them, and people do seem to love talking about their own cleverness or their clever children and its not a particularly endearing trait! The reality is that very few people in the world are truly exceptional. Being in the upper percentiles is normal, someone has to be, 10% of people in the world are cleverer than 90% of the others after all!

[Deleted User]

Former gifted child here. Had a IQ measured at 138 when I was in primary school. Academically I was quite average until I was 12-16.

Turns out, I was just a bit clever, and not gifted at all. I'm a bit lazy really, but my laziness drives me to do things 'smarter, not harder' and led me to develop skills in creating short-cuts, reducing complex processes to be simpler and to make things automated.

So if your child is gifted, but lazy .. try to find out what motivates them. Try to build some drive in them. I'm struggling with this with my eldest, who is just like me.

FBaby

Why do you need to defend it though?

Probably because almost instantly when you talk/post referring to your child's ability, there will be someone to come and post/say that there are many parents who like to boast about their kids or who inflate their abilities wrongly. Sure enough, that is exactly what happened here after only a few posts. What's the point of stating this though when it doesn't relate to the OP?

If someone asks, I tell them, they can tell me their kids achievements too & I will be pleased for them but I don't use it as a topic starter.

Same here, I would never use it as a topic starter either, but it doesn't stop people assuming that you are using the conversation as a chance to boast.

I had the perfect example of it recently. A colleague announced that she was very proud of her daughter A levels results as she got 3Bs and got offered a place in the uni of her choice. Everyone made the right noise and shared congratulations. Then someone asked how another colleagues' DS had done. I could tell she was embarrassed responding, but said quietly that she got 3 A*s and when someone asked where she was going, she said Cambridge. The difference in the response was obvious. She got some much quieter congratulations, but also some comments that I had no place for like 'oh good luck for paying that, hope you saved since she was born', and 'hope she is not studying to become a politician'.

Then you wonder why such people can feel on the defensive.