Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

Flybaby

{{WaSsquish}}
Code - from a driving person with a non driving OH, it's not really a treat if I have to drive.
Moo - squish
WW and LW - go ladies! congrats.
Huggles to everyone else

Izadora

(((((WaS)))))
(((((Melly)))))

Well done WW and LW

Georgie - I hope all goes well with D's meeting

Birdie - Hopefully your skirt will turn up today. You should still ask them to refund your postage though.

Elsien - I hope your germs clear up soon

Code - I'm another vote for go somewhere new, especially if you get a train journey with pretty views. I love long train journeys though (London to Cornwall is one of my favourites) so maybe stick closer to home if you get bored with being stuck on a train.


I'm having the kind of morning where I'm very surprised I haven't fallen headfirst into a pile of chocolate. OH has previously had a bad habit of lying about fairly insignificant things (he figures it's easier than dealing with a telling off) but had promised to be honest, even if the truth was going to annoy / hurt me. He's in the process of giving up smoking and a few times I've found fag papers lying around the flat, which he's said have fallen out of pockets. To be fair, he does have papers in pretty much every one of the many, many jackets he owns but I found a cigarette butt by the front door this morning which was clearly one of his. He admits to having one last night and one Wednesday night but I'm now spinning myself out, wondering how often 'it fell out of a pocket' was a lie, what else he might have lied about and whether we're completely f!!!ed if I can't trust him over even the simplest thing. I'm absolutely fuming with him and trying very hard not to dissolve into tears at my desk. It's going to be a long day...
Sorry, /self-pitying rant.

tea_lover

Iz, that rang so many bells. FOH used to do this all the time - default setting of 'say what's easiest for a quiet life' rather than actually tell the truth. He'd lie about really stupid little stuff - all it did was make me think he was lying about everything else too.

Which I realise isn't a helpful comment, sorry!

And now... to make it look as if I'm completely contradicting myself, I can kind of see why he might not be completely honest about smoking. I used to smoke, and FOH always hated it. I was forever giving up and did lie quite a bit about when I'd last had one, before I finally kicked it. He'll get there. I haven't smoked for over 8yrs now.

I do feel your frustration though - it's like trying to build on quicksand.

Izadora

Tea - it is helpful, thank you. I know that I have issues with trusting people so it's good to know that it's not just me who ends up doubting everything because of one small thing.

Well done on giving up smoking for over 8 years!!

I know that I'm not blameless in him lying to me as sometimes I will give him a hard time over things when I should probably just say "never mind dear" and, because of previous behaviour, have a tendency to blow up over the tiniest discrepancy in anything he says but I hate the fact that I'm going round in circles about this at the moment. I keep veering from "he may well be telling the truth and I'm being a cow for not believing him" to "he's a lying !!!!!! and I should just call it quits now" and back again within the space of about a second.

It probably also doesn't help that I gave up smoking last year and, having much better willpower than him (read, I'm ridiculously stubborn), went cold turkey without having had even so much as one puff since then so he doesn't want to admit to finding it hard to do something which I managed.

mellymoo74

So they have decided to first interview someone today.
I have told agency they need to decide by Monday before 3pm as I have been offered another role (I havent)
Yes it's a bluff but if they were keen they wouldn't be suddenly doing a first.

tea_lover

Iz, it's hard because it's such a totally different viewpoint and mindset. We used to go round in circles for hours (or months probably).

Me: if you can't be honest about using the last teabag then I can't trust you with anything at all, ever.
Him: !!!!!! are you on about, it's a tiny little thing that doesn't matter.

Well done to you too on stopping! Fwiw, I think cold turkey is definitely the easiest - and I tried a lot of methods lol. I used to moderate (many, many years ago) on a stop smoking forum and the place was really helpful to a lot of people. Hopefully he'll find the way/support method that just clicks for him soon.

codemonkey

Izadora - I think maybe I'd give him a pass on this one. He may have genuinely dropped the papers from his pocket and he clearly wants to get caught, otherwise the fag butt would have been cleaned up :rotfl:

You may wish to ignore me as I believe total honesty is an unreasonable expectation. If you can't say anything nice etc. So when I was at the height of my chubsterness and I asked Mr CP if he still found me attractive, and he said yes, even though actually he didn't so much, its better, because the one time he admitted that he liked me better thinner, I was crushed as my weight gain was through medication and I couldn't fix it. I've kept lots of things from him because it's better that he doesn't know which I guess are lies of omission.

However, if he consistently lies about important things then that's a different story and maybe you both need to look into your communication styles. Would you consider relationship counselling?

Izadora

tea_lover wrote: »

Me: if you can't be honest about using the last teabag then I can't trust you with anything at all, ever.
Him: !!!!!! are you on about, it's a tiny little thing that doesn't matter.

That sounds remarkably familiar!!! :rotfl:

codemonkey wrote: »

You may wish to ignore me as I believe total honesty is an unreasonable expectation.

No, you're right. Thank you.
As far as I'm aware he hasn't lied to me about anything important, it has always been small things where it's for an easy life, but the fact that there have been times where he's lied to a direct question and only backtracked when I can prove him wrong makes me doubt the big things.

Part of me thinks that he's far too forgetful to lie successfully so I've probably caught him out in every lie he's ever told but then another part of me thinks he's a pathological liar and I can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth...

I hope we'll be able to work it out between us but, if not, we could try counselling. I don't think it's something either of us would particularly want to do but we'd both be willing to try rather than walk away from each other.


Melly - I hope you hear from the agency soon.

onomatopoeia99

tea_lover wrote: »

default setting of 'say what's easiest for a quiet life' rather than actually tell the truth.

As someone who has no defense mechanism for coping with annoyed / angry / shouty people at all (and is never that person), I quite understand wanting to do this.

One shouldn't have to be on tenterhooks all the time in a relationship,. worrying if the next reply is going to set the other person off. I think it's part of the reason I've shied away from relationships for so long, if someone I love starts getting angry with me I just disintegrate inside and believe they don't care any more, and it destroys a little of the love I have for them.


WW/LW - well done
Melly - hope you hear about the job soon (with good news, obviously)
Pyxis - your holiday looks fabulous
sorry to everyone else I've missed, I'm rather busy at work at the moment so there was lots to catch up on!

tea_lover

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

One shouldn't have to be on tenterhooks all the time in a relationship,. worrying if the next reply is going to set the other person off. I think it's part of the reason I've shied away from relationships for so long, if someone I love starts getting angry with me I just disintegrate inside and believe they don't care any more, and it destroys a little of the love I have for them.

I can agree with this, but I also very strongly believe that one shouldn't have to be on tenterhooks wondering if the next reply is a complete work of fiction either. It's soul-destroying to know you can't trust someone. If someone can lie to your face about the little things, they can do it about the big things too - just a total lack of respect.