Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

Waves_and_Smiles

Oh, do get a dog Pyxis! You knew I would say that didn't you? Have a hug, I am sorry you feel low (little paws and a snuffly nose would help!).

Today, Calley? Today?!

Faerie, you sound a lot more positive. One thing about what you said about never being the same person again, this is only a bad thing if you choose to see it that way. I went through 10 years living in regret after my psychosis developed thinking of what I had lost and how I would never get that life back. I spent an awful long time thinking of my past abuse, how happy I was before it all went wrong and how I had lost it all.

One day, my favourite psychiatrist said to me that it didn't really matter if I was no longer being abused or suffering in a psychotic episode because I was forcing myself to relive it everyday as if it was still happening. I was perpetuating my own ill health. That struck a huge cord with me and I changed my thinking to what I had gained, and there were things! I was far more empathic, I was kinder to people because then I thought of what they could be going through before judging and I had amassed a huge amount of information about mental illness and autoimmune disorders that one day I might be able to use to help others. Yes, bad things had happened to me but I like the person I have become as a result so now I see positivity in it too. Give it a try and have a hug.

I agree with the others, tea. Maybe try once more to explain that he has to move on as you have done and if that doesn't work be very direct.

Great news on New Year, MU! Look at you being the staff they trust to be good on a busy day! That is a compliment!

I do that Sue, so much so that when we last went out and the sat nav went flat I could tell WaSp where to go because I had been over Google Maps so many times.

Any purple, sparkly poo yet, elsien?

Hope you feel better soon, Welly!

Eat that elephant in tiny bites, code! Look on it as an experiment. You don;t need to take the new job, you can stay right where you are. This is just to see what happens.

Big hugs Georgie, I totally understand that it's hard for you this year. Perhaps do a little something on the day, maybe raise a glass. I have a little bauble that I put on the tree every year for my dad and a fairy for my kitty believe it or not. They give me some comfort and I whisper "Merry Christmas" to both of them.

heartbreak_star

5 more sleeps to Potter

HBS x

Waves_and_Smiles

Something that occurred to me earlier is that my life is probably a lot different from other people's and I am so used to it that I am no longer aware of it. My professor said that soon we start the exercise part of the sleep programme which means getting enough vitamin D outdoors every day. I said, ah, I can't do that I don't go outside. This resulted in a brief conversation that ended with him saying he really needs to send me some questionnaires because he is making presumptions that I do things that I don't and it could make me unwell if we mess this up.

He did ask me for any difficulties in my life and only listed a few because I don't see things others see in my life as difficulties? It is all relative for me because I was so ill and erratic throughout my 20's and early 30's I judge everything on that, in comparison I am at the top of my game right now! This isn't the first time this has come up, as I said before I am the one who walks into to see doctors with a beaming smile declaring that I am fine when I just had an episode 2 days earlier. Part of it is I hate to feel sorry for myself, another is I don't think I have a right to feel sorry for myself and lastly as I said compare me now to even 10 years ago and I am doing great! It just isn't other people's standards of great which is depressing.

I don't think I will ever live my life as most people live theirs but I am fine with that. Compared to what I was I am so much better and I prefer to think of what I have gained rather than what I have lost. It just makes me a little sad when I do start things like this CBT programme and half of it has to be adapted to suit me specifically because my life really is so different. What also makes me sad is then people feel bad for me, I don't feel bad for me. I am not unhappy or feel like I am missing out, compared to how I used to live I am proud of getting this far and happy where I am for the most part. The problem is now I think that I am supposed to feel bad which makes me sad.

codemonkey

Georgie, I have someone that I miss at Christmas. This is going to sound pathetic but every Christmas eve I write them a letter, burn it and release the ashes into the wind. I tried to do it with a christmas card but those bar stewards will not burn. It makes me feel better. Hugs for Christmas without your dad. Maybe something like that would help or raising a glass of his favourite tipple to him.

I don't feel bad for you WaS. Seems to me you have a life with adventures outside and a WaSP and making food and decorating for Christmas and celebrating every event in the calendar. You have a natural enthusiasm for life which is a rare and lovely thing.

whitewing

I went to blood doning yesterday and it was a lot quieter than usual. If you do give blood or would like to give blood, then do make the effort to go in these busy times.

Can't remember what else I was going to say.

Waves_and_Smiles

That sounds lovely, code. Thank you for not feeling sorry for me, I don't feel sorry for me either! I am usually a really optimistic person. My life is different to most people's but it is still happy and although it can sound odd to others it is the safest way for me to live. It took 10 years of Hell to get to this point and I am not going backwards!

Aw, I would love to give blood, whitewing. My dad did that for years. I have too many 'things' to be able to do so unfortunately. I shall try to make up for it by leaving myself to medical science.

faerielight

Waves.. I'm not very good at letting go of anything emotional! I guess when I've has some mental health imput, I hope I will be in a place of having processed the last 5 years trauma, and be able to look forward and be in the present instead of the past..it's the permanent medical damage that is so hard to come to terms with. The biggie is that it affects my self esteem and also makes sexual/ romantic relationships go out of the window, It's something I need to be able to grieve, to let go of it.
I so want to get there, I just need some help, and I am determined to ge t some next year!

I just saw a surgeon who is senior to mine.. he was brilliant, no arrogance, great bedside manner! I wish he was my surgeon!
, he said I'm out of the woods medically as long as I continue the antibiotics,until the next hernia becomes dangerous, or the internal scarring causes a serious blockage.He is going to refer me to a gynae dr for the loss of sexual function and a urinary dr for the pelvic floor probs. And I have to lose weight.. I need ED help but that team works under the psyc who I recorded, when he shouted down the phone telling me to go and kill myself, 5 yrs ago.
so I don't think they will ever let me access it.. I tried last year but they couldn't override that psyc's authority.It was wierd, this surgeon mentioned that I had balls to square up to the psyc, even though it cost me any mental health help from that team! .. He gave me props for challenging his abuse of power.. I have no idea how the surgeon knew about that!

so I have bought myself some safety time for now.
Hopefully my PTSD brain and nervous system will catch up and desensitise. The EMDR therapist I briefly saw last year likend it to
a car alarm system that is misfiring. It's going off constantly, even though there is no break in. I'm so sorry I've been so ranty on here. It's my mind being so trashed from trauma and all the constant adrenalin .. thanks for bearing with me, I've not always been like this!. Just been dealing with life/death medical situations for half a decade,with no mental health help and it's taken its toll on my mental health.

tea_lover

Please don't feel you need to apologise here faerie, we're always here if you need a rant. Sometimes a good shouty post does me the world of good! Glad you had a more positive consultation today x

Waves_and_Smiles

You can rant as much as you need, Faerie. We will never judge you. It took me 10 years to come to terms with everything, hopefully it is faster for you. Our BPD brains make it hard for us to let go of emotional pain but it is possible, a lot of the time we need to remember to be kind to ourselves and see the good in us. Not easy, I know. You do sound very positive right now which is lovely to hear. Have another hug.

mellymoo74

Hi Georgie we are having a completely different Christmas food and everything and I have an ornament that oh like we are putting on the grave this weekend.
For myself I speak to my brothers and raise a glass.

Hope today went well code.

Tell him to get his stuff tea

Less said about today the better