Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

calleyw

whitewing wrote: »

Are you getting plenty of warm drinks, calley?

not a great hot drinker.

I am curled up on the sofa in a fleecy jacket, snood and fleecy blanket.

should have stayed at work it was warmer lol!!!

Yours

Calley

whitewing

warm drinks are supposed to help coughs.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello, Faerie! Big hugs, it's lovely to see you!

Hugs for you, too Calley. Could you maybe try a spoonful of honey to coat your throat as it sounds like a dry cough? Stay as warm as you can!

Pyxis! I have no words, that is beautiful! I really do have to get there one day, if I don't visit anywhere else I have to get to Venice. Can I save the photo just on my laptop so that I can stare at it longingly? Have a wonderful time!

I have a yeast infection under both arms, luckily nowhere else so far. It happens a couple of times a year because I take antibiotics every day, I haven't been having my usual mountain of yoghurt lately so it is probably my own fault. Sore and itchy (and did I mention sore?) is an understatement. I have cream though so it should be better soon.

Also I feel bad. It is looking like WaSp isn't going to Milliefleur's party because I won't go. We cannot really afford for me to go too but also, WaSp wants me to be there and stay there for the actual event. There are over 60 people invited (massive family) who will all be in one hall, there is no way that I can do that. Even with a blanket over me I cannot be in a confined space with so many people and so much noise, it will send my auditory hallucinations through the roof.

I watched two horror films the other day and now I keep hearing echoes of the sounds I heard and have to check that the tv hasn't switched itself on. The sounds of a roomful of people is like torture to me and would be for days afterwards. When we went on holiday I tried sitting in a small pub and lasted 5 minutes, each sound separated for me and I could hear voices, glasses clinking, cutlery on plates, music, all separate sounds blasting my ears in a huge cacophony that made me feel physically sick. I had to curl up under my blanket in the back of the car for 30 minutes afterwards just to calm down. Even here at home WaSp has headphones on all the time because I cannot cope with noise, instead I sit in total silence everyday to try to control the hallucinations which largely works. If I attended the party I am not exaggerating that it could result to a trip to hospital which would be a nightmare so far from home and ruin Milliefleur's evening. I know what I can grit my teeth and attempt, a hall full of people and a disco is not one of those things.

I feel guilty because WaSp pretty much wants me there to hold his hand throughout the party, despite being so close to Milliefleur and plagued by BIL he doesn't stay in contact with the rest of his family and feels very on the spot when in a room with them. The inevitable questions of "Not married yet? No kids? Are you working? Still renting then?" make him want to curl up in a small ball. He hasn't even seen his own sister for 15 years and they don't speak on the phone although they have never fallen out and there is no ill-feeling. WaSp just drifted away from them all.

I will make a point of going to Milliefleur's with him when she gets home and we can give her a gift then, it's the least I can do. Perhaps WaSp can help me cook for her and we can have a special dinner, I may even attempt a cake for her.

calleyw

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

H
Hugs for you, too Calley. Could you maybe try a spoonful of honey to coat your throat as it sounds like a dry cough? Stay as warm as you can!

Urghhhh honey :eek:

Thank you. I am feeling a bit better had a kip earlier.

Still banging my head against a brick wall with the paper work for transferring the house. Never like to make it too simple do they. Gives my bum a headache :rotfl:

Sorry to hear about the todo with the birthday party.You have do what is best for you.

Any how going to pop out see husband and present him with the paper work that has been down so far.

Yours

Calley

Waves_and_Smiles

I am going to ramble, forgive me.

For those of you who have/have had MIL's what is your relationship like with them? Do you see them as part of your partners family? As part of yours? As everyone knows I didn't grow up in an anything near normal family dynamic so I have only learnt how things are apparently supposed to work through observing friends with their families, I have no personal experience. This is where I get confused.

When I first met Milliefleur for 5 years it was very awkward. I would be incredibly polite and barely talk, I had no idea how I was supposed to react to WaSp's mum or indeed a mum figure in general. She was caring to me but we were very distanced and I rarely saw her because I just didn't know what was expected of me. At BIL's wedding I got rather drunk and ended up telling Milliefleur all about my past and the fact I had mental health problems, after that something changed. She told me that I could talk to her anytime I wanted and it would remain between us and made me promise her that no matter how bad I felt that I would call her first before hurting myself.

She started to call me and asked me to spend the day with her without WaSp. We would go out for lunch, for long drives or out shopping. On occasion if WaSp had a busy weekend at work she would cancel seeing her boyfriend for the weekend and I would stay with her and we would sit up half the night drinking wine and talking about our pasts or even spend Saturday night in the local pub or out for dinner. We became good friends, it didn't feel like a DIL and MIL relationship at all, it was two friends spending time together.

She told me lots of things about her life that WaSp had no idea about (and still doesn't) and consequently I stopped thinking of her as WaSp's mum and saw her as a woman in her own right with her own life, which of course she was and is. When I became more ill she would visit everyday, do the housework, cook me lunch and bring me little gifts, but most of all we talked and talked, she told me things she had never shared with any of her children and swore me to secrecy. The funniest occasion was when WaSp and I argued and he stormed out saying the relationship was over. He called her to ask if he could stay with her and she told him off for arguing with me and although he was allowed to stay she was going to spend the evening with me! She came round with chinese food and two bottles of wine and we sat up all night talking about what a pain men were, both very drunk, and she slept on the sofa. Then she sent him back to me the next day after telling him off and saying that he would never find another like me. WaSp was a little hurt at the time but now we both find it funny and he has never criticised me to his mum since.

What I wonder is, is this an ordinary relationship between a DIL and MIL? I have no idea how the dynamics are supposed to work. I love my relationship with Milliefleur and she is still one of my best friends but I still don't really think of her as a MIL? Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to be more respectful to her or something, rather than treating her as I would any close female friend? I was reading the thread on here about MIL's and there seems to be some kind of acknowledgement of their role as the partner's mother and Milliefleur and I never had that? She doesn't really treat me as a DIL either, for example I know lots of her hilariously naughty secrets from her past that would stun WaSp, I suppose we both treat each other as completely equal? I remember the first time we went to a pub and skipped off the toilet together holding hands to talk secretly and so she could have a cigarette with no one knowing (she had given up years earlier), WaSp was horrified because it was his mum I was running off with! It seemed normal to me, it was how I would be with a female friend.

Just curious if this is strange or if it is how MIL/DIL relationships tend to be. I don't think I am capable of thinking of anyone as close family as such because I am not sure what that means, I have no real experience to go on. WaSp treats her a lot more respectfully than I do and is careful what he says so he doesn't upset her and in turn she expects certain behaviours from him (he isn't allowed to raise his voice or swear! I can and so does Milliefleur when she talks to me).

These expectations don't exist with me at all, again we are just like two friends separately from her relationship with WaSp. This is all ok, right? I am not being disrespectful? Sometimes I think I am doing it wrong, although Milliefleur hated WaSp's ex-wife and subsequent girlfriends (and showed it) and he says I am the only one she has ever liked. She was apparently very cold to them and she says she had given up on him ever finding someone nice. Perhaps Milliefleur didn't want a 'typical' MIL/DIL relationship either? I am probably worrying over nothing, I shouldn't read other threads.

whitewing

I think it sounds like a very lovely, healthy relationship, WaS.

(It may have changed slightly if you had had children, because she would be grandparent too to yours and you would be mother, but I think it sounds like a wonderful relationship).

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you, whitewing! I do worry over nothing sometimes, especially how families are supposed to work. I love this thread because you just can't ask this stuff without people giving you odd looks, but for someone like me who never grew up in anything like an ordinary family environment I simply don't know if I am supposed to be behaving a certain way. Families feel like a minefield to me.

I also love that we call her Milliefleur because most of the time I don't even think of her as my MIL or WaSp's mum. Logically I know she is but to me she is one of my best friends separately from that role, we would have been good friends even if we had met without me dating WaSp and we have a very different relationship to that which she has with her children. I am so glad that I can ask these things here, if I asked Milliefleur she would likely panic that I was becoming anxious and unwell and worry about me! She also tells me that I am very much like her favourite sister who the rest of the family thought of as a rebel and unconventional, she has often told me that we would have been best friends for life and that she often see's her in me. I suppose that also influences her relationship with me for the better? Really, I just don't want Milliefleur to be secretly disappointed because I am not a typical DIL and have never been in that role.

onomatopoeia99

It sounds to me like you have a really good relationship with your MIL, I'm trying to imagine my sister-in-law and my mother doing any of the stuff you walk about doing with Milliefleur and ... no, can't see it happening at all!

I had a good relationship with my former MIL, which didn't stop when the ex walked out. We stayed friends for for over a decade until she died in fact, and I used to go round there most Saturday mornings for an hour or so for a cup of tea and a chat until I moved away, and after would pop in if I was passing through the town where she lived.

calleyw

WaS,

Sounds like you have a fab relationship with your MIL.

I think a lot of MIL's get a lot of stick. But DIL's are not all perfect.

My ex told me his mother hated his partner. Reason his partner never invited his Mum over at Xmas. I was shocked and stunned and thought !!!!!!!!! Surely its down to him and being a grown adult who does make his own voice heard to say I want mum to come to Xmas.

My MIL was in her late 60's early 70's and hardly went anywhere or did anything. I did encourage my husband to phone her at least every other day. As we got free evening calls. And 20 mins on the phone was neither here or there. I also encouraged him to have his children more if he could. Because I knew these were important people in his life and did not have to second guess his feelings for me. I knew I was important to him as well. And that he would never cheat and was honest with me.

I love the bit about when WaSP left and went to his mums and she came to yours :rotfl:

I would not worry, to many DIL's would love to have MIL like yours. I think the problem is that too many MIL's feel like they are having their son taken away and took many DIL's feel that MIL is taking over.

Yours

Calley

jobbingmusician

WaS, your relationship with Milliefleur sounds wonderful! Xxxx


Here is yesterday's post, which I have found.

faerielight - hope you are OK too xxxx

katsu - your ideas are brilliant

calley - brilliant news about the CGT and I hope you get the house sorted out soon. I have never said, but your bright and breezy greetings in the morning are a real lift! xxx

PS If you can afford it, keep the black stockings and just buy some more flesh coloured ones. Stockings improve the longer they are kept, so well worth buying some in advance!

By the way, to those who say stockings are cheaper than tights because you can replace one leg at a time - you do know you can cut one leg off tights and when you have two one-legged pairs you can wear them one on top of the other? (You can even cut the crotch out and feel liberated, if this is what you prefer about stockings).

Pyxis - very jealous of Venice! Even a bit jealous of Cornwall - one of my orchestras is there this weekend. They have a tradition of swimming in the sea and it is normally (just about) warm enough - I'm sure it would have been lovely this weekend! I chose not to go cos I am off to Cardiff with work on Tue, so would have had to cut it short and I couldn't bear the thought of coming straight home then off again.

WaS - well done on the cooking! (Hope you will taste some of mine soon lol)

I wish melly a cold-free existence, and ww lots of eggnog! (Now, who have I forgotten! - greetings to Pyxis, wellyboots and escapee, elona, code, onomatapoeia, dragonette, piggles, MU, HBS, Izadora, and anyone else who hasn't posted in the last 2 pages!!!!)