Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

Pyxis

codemonkey wrote: »

Ok. I apologise in advance for this self pitying post but I need to get this out or it will all explode and do some damage.

DH is ill. He has manflu. I am not feeling well either but stuff still has to be done and DA dog still needs to be walked and manflu trumps all - even horrible TN pain because he's gpt used to my yelps of pain. I'm expected to look after him whereas last week I said I had a sore throat and got 'there's always something wrong with you'. I want to ignore him the way I get ignored when I'm not feeling well, but I know how rubbish that feels and I just can't do it.

Also, all my friends have children and are off doing stuff with their 'mummy friends' and don't bother with me anymore because obviously not having children makes me a second class citizen who knows nothing about life.

Feeling very down and alone right now. Currently hiding in the bathroom away from people and dogs who need stuff.

Code, I know only too well how it feels to be on the end of the "there's always something wrong with you" gibe.

This might sound horrible, but it isn't meant to be.
Sometimes people just don't empathise with what it's like to be ill and not be looked after, or even helped. Maybe your DH really does need a wake-up call. Assuming his condition isn't life-threatening , serious , or likely to have any lasting health effects , I would try treating him in the same way you were treated, not to be nasty or vindictive, but to educate him in how AWFUL it feels not to have support when you're in pain/not feeling well.
A bit like giving a child a little nip when they bite someone, to show them how it feels. (Yes, I did that, and it worked).

I know it goes against the grain when you are a caring person, and when you DO know what it's like to be ill, but without a wake-up call, he won't be any different next time you feel ghastly.

When he's feeling better, you can then discuss it, and tell him just how badly you were feeling last week, when he was so dismissive.

(Can you tell I am still very cross with him on your behalf? However, I think it's time to push your point home).



Regarding your friends, might it help to send them a letter explaining how you feel? That they don't need to exclude you just because you don't have children, and how, in fact, it is rather hurtful?
With a letter, you have time to phrase things, edit things, so that it says what you want it to say, without being too emotionally charged.



Code, you aren't alone. You have us. I know it's all virtual, but believe me, if I were just around the corner from you, I'd be right right round with hugs and squishes, and a mallet for the head of the poor, dying one!


(I can be sooooo fierce when I'm roused!
The wimpy worm CAN turn!)





JM.......edit completed!

Pyxis

On the note about being ill and alone etc. could I say this..............


While being/living on one's own can be a life choice, or a resigned situation that you just get on with, if you are on your own and unwell, things become much more difficult and emotive.

When you're ill or unwell, be it with a chest infection, a very bad cold, flu or an exacerbation of a chronic condition you've had for years, you feel much more vulnerable, much more lonely, more depressed, and more alone.
Partly because you are ill, partly because you are at home a lot more, or even confined to bed, so you lack social interaction, and partly because being ill reverts you a little bit to child mode, needing a 'parent' to look after you, and tell you it'll be all right.

The most common thing people do is ring and say, "If there's anything you need, let me know".

Aaaaargh! No! No! No!
No-one who is ill is going to ring you up and ask you to do their shopping, change their bed, take their library books back, ask you to make them a cup of tea/lunch, refill their water jug, etc. etc.

If you really are a good friend, you do this:-

"I'm going to Sainsbury's (or whatever) in an hour, and I will get you some lunch/drinks/medicines......what do you need? If you can't think, I shall use my discretion and get you what I think you need, (or words to that effect.) including a load of treats you didn't even know you needed! (In order to tempt your appetite).

I shall arrive at (time). Throw your door key out of the window and I'll let myself in. I shall hang onto your key until you are better, so that I can come in once a day and soothe your brow. I shall text you half an hour before coming in , so that it's not a shock. If you're asleep, that's ok. I don't care what state your house is in, you're ill, and I'm here to help you get well, end of.

I shall ensure you have water by your bed, a pot of tea, paracetamol etc., heating on, heating off, TV in bedroom, etc. etc.

I shall ensure you're not about to run out of loo rolls, milk, tea, coffee, etc. etc.

I shall bring you your post. If there are any appointments, bills, etc that need dealing with, I shall deal with them........tut tut tut, ....I SHALL deal with them..you are not to worry! If I feel you need a doctor, or a prescription, I shall ring the surgery.

If you hear me hoovering or putting the washing machine on, it's not me criticising your housekeeping skills. It's me getting the drossy stuff done so that you can get well and not have a backlog of things to catch up with.

If you feel uncomfortable about this, just remember that once you're well and I'm ill, I shall expect the same! Now just lie there and watch the TV! And eat this icecream, it's good for your throat!"

codemonkey

I'm not going to bring it up with my friends I don't think because they're not doing it deliberately - they just can't seem to think beyond being a 'mummy' and their 'mummy friends' get where they're coming from, whereas I really don't. It just annoys me that I'm expected to take a massive interest in their lives and their kids and they can't be bothered to take an interest in mine.

As for DH, I've mentioned time and time again that I'm not happy that I get ignored while he gets looked after bit nothing changes. He just doesn't hear me and if he does he doesn't know how to change it . He says it's because he doesn't know how to help me and feels useless so he just doesn't do anything. And I get it, being with someone who is ill all the time isn't much fun and not what he signed up for. He doesn't really have much frame of reference when it comes to women except for his mum who up until recently did everything in the house, because her standards were so high she wouldn't let anyone else do anything and he doesn't have any sisters and didn't have any serious girlfriends before me.

He does have good points too - I feel like I'm always bashing him in here- he's lovely and sweet and always cheers me up by singing funny made up songs, usually about how much he loves the dog, and tickling me when I'm sad. It's just that it genuinely doesn't occur to him that if I'm not well, it might be nice to make a drink for me or something to eat or whatever. After I got my wisdom teeth out he pretty much left me to it as it didn't occur to him to make me some food or get me a drink as he didn't feel hungry or thirsty. So I had to look after myself. I'm not sure how much of that is down to his medical condition or if it's just him being utterly thoughtless but it does grate a bit.

codemonkey

Pyxis - those are very good points and I'm guilty of some of that myself. I don't actually know anyone who lives alone and in future I will always make an effort to help out ill friends more.

When I was younger and ill my mum (never ever be the child of a nurse if you're sick because you get no sympathy) would leave me to it. She denies it to this day but if I was ill and needed a drink I'd have to scream really loudly or go and get it myself which was less than ideal as my dad liked the house at ice box temperature and my siblings would be in the kitchen smoking and expect me to look after their kids. Whereas my friends mums would bring them lucozade and magazines and drinks and nice things and let them stay in bed and I was always a bit jealous of that.

Pyxis

But don't you see, Code, that if he gets a taste of what you endure while he's feeling unwell, it just might strike home!

If it doesn't occur to him what you need when you're unwell, it might do if he hasn't had that attention when he is unwell!

I'm surprised that a nurse for a mum didn't have that empathy, though. Poor you.

Have a hug. (((((((((Code)))))))))

If I lived near you, you'd get well sharpish, just to be rid of me! :rotfl:

calleyw

cute baby panda pictures alert

see here

I do apologise for it being a daily mail link.

Yours

Calley

Pyxis

Sweeeee! Wall-to-wall panda cubs!


Did you know that there is a dedicated Panda thread in the Arms?

Here's a link to the latest page!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4717435



The Arms isn't all rows and nasties, you know! There are some lovely people on there too! (Including MOI!):D




Ps. One thing I liked about the Mail was their crossword, and another thing was the Masterquiz, which was usually a mathematical conundrum, which I enjoyed. I also liked the Question/Answer page....learnt quite a bit on there.

Waves_and_Smiles

Edit done, JM!

Code, you have my sympathy as do you, whitewing. Fortunately WaSp doesn't get ill often but when he does it is most definitely manflu. He won't take medication for it for some reason (something to do with putting chemicals in his body) so he does feel worse than he could do if he took a painkiller or two. To be fair to him he gets ill so rarely that he panics when he does, last time he had a cold he went to A&E, I kid you not. It is somewhere between adorable and infuriating, especially as once he was officially told it was just a cold he felt much better within hours. Have a hug, code and I hope your pain isn't too bad today, I know we aren't there with you but you always us.

I lurk in The Arms, Pyxis! It is one of my favourite boards (I see you there!). I am too scared to post but I'm there daily! I also visit daily the OS board, DFW , Benefits when I'm not feeling triggery and all of the shopping boards. I get around and read a lot of the site, even JM's Matched Betting Board where I read a few posts, scratch my head and leave looking confused.

calleyw

Pyxis wrote: »

Sweeeee! Wall-to-wall panda cubs!
Did you know that there is a dedicated Panda thread in the Arms?

Here's a link to the latest page!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4717435

The Arms isn't all rows and nasties, you know! There a pre some lovely people on there too! (Including MOI!):D

I think I did :rotfl:

No its DT that is not for the faint of heart :eek:

I pop in read it every few days. I do wonder if they would be as rude and horrible in real life. Or its just because they are behind a screen and keyboard!!!

Who knows the secret of the black magic box

I am watching pandas on the atlanta zoo web cam.

Yours

Calley

Waves_and_Smiles

I occasionally read DT but I choose my topics carefully. I am definitely not brave enough to post in there!

I am going to look for that cam now, Calley! Thank you!