Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

dragonette

Evening all. I'm going through a low energy spell - ME is such fun... I've been gradually clearing out my flat so you my have seen me in the kondo or hoarding thread. It's been quite helpful for me.

Calley I find that I often go days without speaking aloud to anyone, even with a flat mate. I sometimes find it terribly lonely and over whelming, yet at others is completely fine. I'm glad you had a relaxed evening

calleyw

dragonette wrote: »

Calley I find that I often go days without speaking aloud to anyone, even with a flat mate. I sometimes find it terribly lonely and over whelming, yet at others is completely fine. I'm glad you had a relaxed evening

I found that over the summer with not working. No one to talk to most days. And hence often why I make a short phone call to husband nearly everyday. I dread to think what it will be like when I come to retire :eek::(

I know that he gets lonely and bored. Often when I call him he is on the bus back from a local town just for something to do. Not that he needs to get anything. And he has his bus pass so it cost him nothing.

Like you most of the time I am ok as I am in my own little world. But some times its just way to much. And it feels like no one cares.

Mind you the last few days have not been helped by not being well.

Yours

Calley

Pyxis

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Slightly embarrassing question....does anyone know where i can get a decent sports bra? I've looked online but they don't seem to do many for *ahem* bigger boobed ladies.

I had a cheap one from sports direct but as i discovered last night i can only do 10 star jumps in it before the twins fall out and risk giving me a black eye

I need a new one before i even contemplate gong back to zumba

Have you tried M&S?

System

Pyxis wrote: »

Have you tried M&S?

Not yet

Didn't know m&s did sports bras!

I need to have a look thanks

dragonette

I think bravissimo do sports bras too, it's prob worth checking anyway.

I seem to be in nesting mode still. Oh well, it gets some housework done at least

Hope everyone is doing OK atm

Waves_and_Smiles

I use this company MU. They aren't cheap but the bra's really last, I have had 3 for 3 years and they are as good as new with no stretching at all.

http://www.simplybe.co.uk/shop/lingerie/bras/sports/_/N-1ytvjvq/products/show.action

Good luck with the flat clearing, Dragonette. Take it slowly if you aren't feeling well.

Loneliness is a strange thing. I used to get very lonely for a while when I was single to the point of having panic attacks if I was alone for more than a few hours. What I found difficult was I went straight from being my mother's carer so there all the time to moving in with someone unemployed hence he was there all the time and suddenly when we broke up I was alone. I never had been before so I found it very hard at first, I had no coping abilities and spent many nights sitting in the dark crying with a bottle of vodka. But I eventually got to a point where I loved it.

Believe it or not before psychosis I was very confident socially and would think nothing of walking alone into a local pub or restaurant and chatting to strangers. I often took myself out for dinner, to the cinema or for a drink. I made friends very easily and never doubted that I could. People didn't scare me then and they still don't, I like almost everyone and believe we all have far more in common than we might think. I remember counting once that I had 15 friends that I knew that I could call on in an emergency, I was incredibly social, I struggled to fit in seeing everyone in a week so really came to value my alone time.

I always remember my favourite psychiatrist telling me that underneath my illness my natural personality was optimistic and vivacious, it was my illness and my upbringing that caused my self-hatred and fear of being around anyone. One of the main things he taught me was to see WaS as she is within the symptoms of her illness and WaS as she is without that illness. He pointed out that when I was at the daycentre I was always the person who sat with the new people, who started working as an advocate for MIND whilst there and who arranged community events so that everyone felt included. He would also point out that I would say that I hated myself and that I was no good to anyone but I was actually confident enough to be very active within the community. That was the real me that the illness was and still is masking, it feels like a world away but I was very social indeed which probably means that somewhere deep down I still am. Obviously, all of that confidence went downhill with psychosis worsening and my isolation is now very apparent to the point of almost no face to face interaction with anyone other than WaSp, but that healthy me is still here somewhere.

Now I always have WaSp here but we don't constantly interact. We often go a day with only saying a few words to each other but I know that, that is different to not having another human in your house at all. Now I get quite scared on my own but it's psychosis based fear, fear of a fire, someone breaking into the house, that I am being watched, etc. I do really feel for everyone, I remember those nights alone literally crying into a bottle of vodka.

Sorry, went off on a tangent! You all got me thinking about how much a condition can affect someone socially compared to who they would be without it!

mellymoo74

Up
Sleeping isn't my strong point

calleyw

I need to get a handle of being on my own and spending time alone before I think about about another relationship.

I use to spend a lot of time on my own as a child as we lived away from the village all my friends lived in. And only my brothers for company. And use to spend pretty much all my time socialising with my family.

Because I don't have a lot going on I expect others not to. My husband rarely goes out at night unless someone else is taking him because he does not drive and no public transport after 6pm. So I know he is normally in.

My ex, yes I know he had things to do. But ask him on the day what you doing tonight I would a reply dunno!!! I was expected to just wait for him to phone me and then he would expect to turn up that night. But his mum/dad etc would ring and he could make plans with them. Me nope, it frustrated me as it left me hanging. Totally my own fault I did not set boundaries and I would just agree to see him that night as I did not think I would get to see him at all.

It has taken a long time to admit it to myself but I was used for sex, maybe not at first. I would ask him that question so I knew where I stood and he would never answer. Just tell me I was good looking woman etc etc And that once he had wanted a relationship with me but I ruined it all my behavior. And I was nutty etc. I know I did not cover myself in glory with my behavior.

Need to stop as typing this out is just upsetting me now.

Its funny and it was only a week but I have just come down stairs and no rabbit. Even though him trying to eat the bars was annoying :rotfl: I miss the extra noises in the house. Maybe I should get a house a rabbit. We shall see.

I need to think about going and having a shower and getting ready for work. No animals to sort out this morning so that will save me a bit of time.

Yours

calley

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, that was an early start, Melly!

When I was trying to get used to living alone, Calley I always imagined that everyone else was having a great social life and it was just me stuck in as Miss No Mates. Eventually I realised that most of my friends were coming home from work, eating dinner, watching tv and going to bed ready for the next day. That was quite a shock to me because I really thought that everyone had a far more exciting life than I did when in fact although they would plan days out at weekends mostly during the week they just stayed in alone or with partners. The thing is it FEELS like everyone else in the world is socialising at the time.

I also felt for a while that to truly be living I had to be permanently busy and socialising and was afraid to be alone. Hence working as an HIV therapist and part time in residential care whilst taking a psychology degree and going out for the night partying twice during the week and 3 days over weekends. Six months of that resulted in my getting flu, I continued to keep up the hectic lifestyle despite being sick and went down with double pneumonia. At that point I realised I had to learn to be alone or I was going to make myself very ill.

I found a lot of the reason I didn't like being alone was it gave me time to think, as my psychoanalyst called it containment of panic. I couldn't allow myself to catch a breath or the intrusive thoughts would take over, all of the bad things that I was avoiding thinking about. Once I started to deal with those being alone became easier and it was no longer something to dread.

WaSp used to work from 5pm to 5am for many years, when one is fixing computers for large businesses companies prefer that it is done out of office hours (It was a pretty high pressured job because these companies HAD to have working systems by next morning even if they were held together with string). I would hardly see him for 6 days a week, sometimes 7 and I became very used to my own company, for 5 years I was practically living alone because he was doing private work as well. In fact, when he stopped working it was a big adjustment for me because he was here all the time and in my way and I had no idea how I would cope with it! I hope I never live on my own again (because that would mean something had happened to WaSp) but I know that I would be fine doing so, I no longer have anything to run from when I am by myself.

whitewing

I wonder if being extrovert is a factor in MPD/DID?