Elderly Mum slagging off deceased Dad

marmitepotato

Cavework, I admire you. You are doing the best you can. My MIL can be very obnoxious and nasty, but to all outsiders she meets she's a sweetheart. She says nasty things to me about other people then smiles sweetly and is all charming to them if she meets them. She doesn't live with us, she wheelchair bound, and lives alone, my OH is an only child, so everything falls on him. I try and help as best I can but I do occasionally have to put her in her place when she's been particularly spiteful or making unreasonable demands on my OH. I actually think it's an age thing, she's on her own and has nothing to worry about financially or help wise. She has time to brood about stuff that doesn't matter then takes it out on my OH or myself because there's no one else she can do this to.
I'm afraid you either put your mum in her place or grin and bear it.

dktreesea

cavework wrote: »

Does anyone think this might be a 'coping 'mechanism?
It seems the longer my Dad has been dead the more angry she seems to be getting.
She could not be with him when he died .. could not face it.. I was with him..
If this is the case I can perhaps understand the way she is behaving

Yes, she's probably furious that he went first, leaving her in a situation where she is dependent on someone, you, that, given another choice (him still being around) she would rather not make.


She's probably angry at you, for being there with him when he died after she had decided she didn't want to be. Almost as if she had expected you to do the same?


I sound like I am making excuses for your Mum, cavework, but I just know how hard it is to go from full independence to needing someone to help you with things and be there for you, someone who may not be that interested in you as a person, what you are going through and who may even mind that they are having to be "there" for you. She's possibly grieving for the independence she has lost and angry at being left to cope alone, i.e. your Dad has passed on ahead of her.


I'm sorry you are having to bear the brunt of it, but you can't control how she feels, and out of respect for her, really shouldn't try, imho. It sounds like she has plenty to grieve for and feel angry about, especially if your Dad wasn't the best husband he could be to her.


All I can suggest you say to her, if she is getting down on your Dad, is that it is what it is. The past is gone, there's no fixing it, whatever your Dad was like to her, and her best bet is to try to put the past behind her and get on with the rest of her life.

onlyroz

In many ways it doesn't matter whether what your mum says about your dad is true or not. If you don't want to hear about it I suggest you nod and smile, and then change the subject.

However, you should also ensure that you get some respite. Are there any day centres she could go to?

cavework

Firstly.. a huge thank you to every single person who has replied to this thread.
Yesterday was a bad day ( I cannot believe I posted all this personal information on an internet forum!) but TBH I am so glad I did.
I really needed to talk .
For the record , I have no brothers or sisters , my sons are great but I can't load them up with this sort of worry all the time..
There are lot's of people in my situation , many without partners or children , who have to look after elderly parents.
They have my whole hearted respect, at least I have my family.
Anyway, I am looking into some type of respite care .. probably a live in carer for one week ( Mum has savings and would never go into residential care for a week) so OH and I can get a 5 day break..
I think that is all we need.
I am going to get Mum to go through her HUGE photo collection and build up an album of her life for my sons. (Thanks for that suggestion)
Can I just add that I read a lot of threads where people are faced with the decision to either place their elderly parents in residential care or have them living with them..
Some replies are harsh.. along the lines of ' well you should let them live with you , they brought you up, I would never let my parent end their days in a care home etc etc'
These people may find things a whole lot different when they are actually faced with the situation.
Once again thank you.. Mum and Dads marriage lasted 60 years, everyone has problems over that amount of time but I now understand that was between them.
My Dad was a good Dad , not perfect but always there.
I am lucky to have 2 parents who stuck together through the good times and the bad.
xxx

stormbreaker

Letting rip to an anonymous audience. Great therapy. Return time and time again to this thread and just let go.

I've not read many of the responses but let any negative ones go over your head:D

Good Luck!

System

Yes, she's probably furious that he went first, leaving her in a situation where she is dependent on someone, you, that, given another choice (him still being around) she would rather not make.

Yes thats what happened with my Mom. She was furious that Dad had left her alone with a house and 14 year old son to raise on her own. Of course she was never on her own, i was right beside her until the last 10 years or so when i had to step away for my own sanity as she was controlling me like a puppet and i was too good natured as to stand up to her.

System

Not from a parent but my elderly great aunt has slagged off my grandparents so much my mum(her niece) now feels she can't talk to her as its too upsetting to hear such things that can't be defended by either of her deceased parents. My dad i now the one who deals with her.

I wish i had suggestions, it must be so much harder with her being your mum, but also hearing her say such thing about your dad. I'm sorry i have no advice but wanted to to know you're not alone in experiencing this.