Elderly Mum slagging off deceased Dad

cavework

Mojisola wrote: »

It's possible that the best thing for your Mum is not to be looked after by you.

So give me another option.. easy to say but I have no other siblings
I do love her and would never hurt her.. she is my Mum
She would NEVER move to sheltered accommodation.
She brought me up in the best way she knew how (perhaps not the way I have brought my kids up) and now it's my turn to look after her.
I sound like I am fed up with having her with us.. not true.. it is just that sometimes there are things I really don't want to hear about my Dad.

BigAunty

So I get the impression she had a selfish and judgemental streak for decades now - why are her barbs seen as so out of the ordinary now? Is it because they've suddenly just ramped up from what I imagine has been average grumbling ?

She could well be going through an intensely nostalgic phase, which doesn't necessarily mean thinking about the good ol' days. Does she seem stuck in the past to you? Was she always talking about the past before, even before the current revelations?

Does she has any friends, other relatives or interests? Does she leave the house much now?

Mojisola

cavework wrote: »

So give me another option.. easy to say but I have no other siblings
I do love her and would never hurt her.. she is my Mum
She would NEVER move to sheltered accommodation.

My much-loved Dad spent his last year in residential care and was a lot happier than he had been at home, despite all the hours I spent there caring for him.

He also would have said that he wouldn't want to go into a care home but we found one that suited him and he was very happy there.

cavework

Does anyone think this might be a 'coping 'mechanism?
It seems the longer my Dad has been dead the more angry she seems to be getting.
She could not be with him when he died .. could not face it.. I was with him..
If this is the case I can perhaps understand the way she is behaving

BigAunty

Yes to 'coping mechanism' in that she's obviously upset about something and it's coming out in this way, whether it's not being there in his last moments, her impending mortality, loneliness or whatever.

But you still might have to consider the prospect that what she said could be true and find your own way to cope with her goading, whether its a fib, whether its fact.

cavework

TBH .. I am tired..
not the perfect daughter, there are times when I wonder if me and my OH ( who is 67 and 12 years older than me) will ever have time on our own to do the things we would like to do.
Kids have grown up, left home and the overlap is we are now looking after my elderly Mum..
selfish ...

missbiggles1

cavework wrote: »

So give me another option.. easy to say but I have no other siblings
I do love her and would never hurt her.. she is my Mum
She would NEVER move to sheltered accommodation.
She brought me up in the best way she knew how (perhaps not the way I have brought my kids up) and now it's my turn to look after her.
I sound like I am fed up with having her with us.. not true.. it is just that sometimes there are things I really don't want to hear about my Dad.

To put it bluntly, your father is dead and your mother is alive. You can believe what you like about him but your mother is still here and her needs are what matters for now.

For now, your loyalty is to the living.

cavework

missbiggles1 wrote: »

To put it bluntly, your father is dead and your mother is alive. You can believe what you like about him but your mother is still here and her needs are what matters for now.

For now, your loyalty is to the living.

My loyalty does not come into this.. Do not question my loyalty
My Mothers need obviously come first now , that is why I posted this thread .. my Dad has been dead since 2013.
There lot's of people in my position , it can be a lonely place to find yourself and sometimes it helps to ask the opinions of others who might be or not be in the same position

belfastgirl23

How long has your mum been living with you? I really admire you for this, it's a very tough situation so first of all just step back and acknowledge that to yourself. It's easy to get caught up in the 'it's my duty I can't complain' way of thinking but caring is not easy. And it's not selfish to also feel sad about the time that you are missing with your husband, it's normal.

I do wonder more than anything if you need some respite of some sort? How would your mum cope if you and your husband had a holiday or break? Is there anyone who could step in for a while? Or could your Mum spend a little time in a care facility? It's not unreasonable and might help you to clear your head a bit.

I don't really think the issue is what your mum is saying about your dad in one way - it's simply that living with people is tricky whoever they are and however they are. By the time someone is older and in need of support it's doubly so. Things that you might have previously let wash over you a bit become a lot more difficult to handle. That's human nature. The fact that it's about your dad is obviously not helping matters but if you're honest with yourself, is this an isolated incident or the tip of the iceberg?

You're doing your best in difficult circumstances. All I want to say is it's ok to be selfish, to take some time for yourself and to set some limits with your mum. It's the only way to stop yourself going mad!

Good luck!

elsien

cavework wrote: »

TBH .. I am tired..
not the perfect daughter, there are times when I wonder if me and my OH ( who is 67 and 12 years older than me) will ever have time on our own to do the things we would like to do.
Kids have grown up, left home and the overlap is we are now looking after my elderly Mum..
selfish ...

You're not being selfish. It's perfectly natural to have been looking forward to a retirement with just the two of you. It's a conversation Ive had to have with my mother. I love her, but I also know my own limitations, and if I was her carer I'd probably end up a granny batterer because we rub each other up completely the wrong way. She doesn't want to ever have to go into a home, and call it selfish, or call it realism, but I can't and won't be her full time carer. I am full of admiration for those willing to give it a go, but with the best will in the world, that's not me.

What about respite, for you and OH to get time to yourselves?

Edit: I also think this is a gender issue as well. I know there are men who are carers, but I'm also fairly sure that this isn't something that my brothers and a lot of other men would cross their minds to do. Not unless there was a wife there to shoulder the responsibility.