Elderly Mum slagging off deceased Dad

cavework

As it says in the title..
My Dad died in 2013 and Mum moved in with us..
Mum is 90 in October, she has most of her faculties ..
The problem I have is she is increasingly talking about my Dad and it is all bad..
apparently he had affairs.. apparently he had other kids outside the marriage.
seems like he was the worst husband any one could ever wish for..
They were married for 60 years and I know for a fact my Dad did everything for my Mum, even bringing shoes home from town for her to try on because she would not leave the house .. he did all the shopping..they never went on holiday because she would not leave the house.
Now all I get when I mention him is derogatory remarks.. lists of the assumed affairs he had and the latest comment ' he was good for nothing'
Dad worked his a**** of to pay for their home , he worked a 50 hour week in a meat factory and also did taxi driving at weekends to pay off their mortgage..
He worked when he retired from the factory
He was not an angel but his first concern was always Mum and his kids
Mum had a couple of short term part time jobs in the last 30 years .. boy did she make sure we were all aware of the fact she had to go to work at the time..
My Dad worshipped the ground she walked on
she was spoiled rotten, she stamped her foot , she got what she wanted
TBH , I am so sick and tired of her nasty comments, I tried to explain that this was my Dad that she was talking about and that I really did not want to hear this vitriol ..
Has anyone else experienced this from an elderly parent?
I feel such a wimp but it really is getting me down..

Andypandyboy

I think maybe she has reached the age where she calls a spade a spade. No one ever knows what goes on inside a marriage and she may have kept all of it bottled up and feels she can do it no longer.

I can see it must be hard for you, but someone who has multiple affairs is not someone whose first concern is his wife and kids. You are seeing him through the eyes of a child, she is seeing him through the eyes of a wife, they are very different, but equally valid, viewpoints.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's possible she's telling the truth about times you were too young to remember. If that's the case, she's probably needed to get this out for many years, or its only as her faculties are slowing that she's not able to filter it anymore. I dread losing control and telling the offspring anything that went on that they didn't see when/if I get old; I'd rather they hate me forever than find some of it out.

Might be a plan to get her reassessed and check for signs of a urine infection, just in case it's a symptom of her getting unwell.

System

Might be dementia kicking in. I did a few months in a residential home years ago. One old lady swore blind that her husband slept with my Mother.... She didnt know me from Adam. I mentioned it to one of my colleagues who told me she says the same to all the staff.

summerspring

If she's that bad, why did you agree to have her live with you, or is it just a recent thing?

no1catman

OTOH - it maybe a sign of dementia, or any medication that she is on, that she becomes delusional.
My late Mother, made 'off-the-wall' comments to my Father, when he visited her in Hospital.
He knew though that it was not her talking but the medication, still upsetting, but tried to let it 'wash over'.


HTHs
Good luck.

cavework

The point being , he did not have multiple affairs..
In fact I doubt he had any affairs
I remember being 6/7.. a huge argument downstairs where Mum was threatening to kill herself.. stick her head in the oven (now know it was electric)..
packing a huge metal trunk in the bedroom with her belongings..
I was about 5/6 and sobbing my heart out.
This happened more than once

cavework

summerspring wrote: »

If she's that bad, why did you agree to have her live with you, or is it just a recent thing?

Because she is my Mum.. I have no brothers or sisters.
Dad died in a Nursing home and I promised I would never let her do the same..
I am doing the best I can

System

cavework wrote: »

The point being , he did not have multiple affairs..
In fact I doubt he had any affairs
I remember being 6/7.. a huge argument downstairs where Mum was threatening to kill herself.. stick her head in the oven (now know it was electric)..
packing a huge metal trunk in the bedroom with her belongings..
I was about 5/6 and sobbing my heart out.
This happened more than once

I dont suppose she realizes how lucky she is to still have you.

missbiggles1

cavework wrote: »

The point being , he did not have multiple affairs..
In fact I doubt he had any affairs
I remember being 6/7.. a huge argument downstairs where Mum was threatening to kill herself.. stick her head in the oven (now know it was electric)..
packing a huge metal trunk in the bedroom with her belongings..
I was about 5/6 and sobbing my heart out.
This happened more than once

How could you possibly know that?

If anything, your memories confirm your mother's story rather than the opposite.

fairy_lights

cavework wrote: »

The point being , he did not have multiple affairs..
In fact I doubt he had any affairs
I remember being 6/7.. a huge argument downstairs where Mum was threatening to kill herself.. stick her head in the oven (now know it was electric)..
packing a huge metal trunk in the bedroom with her belongings..
I was about 5/6 and sobbing my heart out.
This happened more than once

Perhaps the occasions you remember are times when she'd found out about an affair? You remember your father as a good man and maybe he was in later years, but who knows what went on before you were old enough to remember.
Even if none of the things your mother is saying are true, she evidently believes that they were.