Elderly Mum slagging off deceased Dad

BrassicWoman

You don't have kids so they will look after you

You have kids so they will live their own lives and go into the world and be marvellous people

Don't miss the years you and hubs have left of being fit and active by tying yourself down

Find a way to get a break - respite care, whatever

Mum has no *right* to be looked after by you, and you have no obligation

ampersand

missbiggles1 wrote: »

How could you possibly know that?

If anything, your memories confirm your mother's story rather than the opposite.

#
That is a ludicrous, inaccurate and unnecessary[stronger terms available] leap to a tabloid-type conclusion, completely unjustified.

But your 1st sentence fits:
How could you possibly know that?

You can't know any such thing.
#
op- pmlindyloo's tactics will work. Her reply is wise and measured, among many with quiet, sensible tacks to try. Be consistent and firm, as you would with little ones.:).

You are doing well. You feel Mum's lash-out anger is increasing. You may be right.
That partiular clock cannot be turned back...and Mum knows it
When someone, in this case a life partner, is gone, that 'couple' dynamic is changed.
Two minus one becomes less than one.
Whether or not Dad was a focus for anger or love and everything in between, that focus is no longer there.

You are - and no substitute can match Dad, however Life was between them. Don't try. Nor need you over-supplicate or supplement any guilts with your own.

There's this -
'Mum, any ideas for your birthday next month? 90's special. You might as well say. You can be Queen for the Day.'

Do your children and bro. manage well enough with her, even in small doses?

My beloved NZ Uncle and Aunt are 91 and 83 respectively now, still driving, out every day. They run classes 'for some of the oldies' - don't see themselves in this category, despite knowing they are slowing up, chuckling about this. They go sightseeing, share the housework and cooking, attend meetings/clubs. Aunt knits and sews. Uncle diy's, gardens. They attract and nurture a wide circle of friends of all ages.
That's another way it can be.

cavework: you need to stay well yourself and hit your personal 'off' switch when tensions rise. Just speak plainly to Mum as pmll suggests. Even do it with a hug and a smile, then leave the room.

When Mum dies, as she will - sooner rather than later, you will be sustained by knowing you behaved well, generously and that her misery, real or imagined, has stopped with her death. Don't carry it over.
#
Hugs are good. Here we come - these are for you:grouphug:.

summerspring

It does sound like the mum has always been a bit of a drama queen. Loads of women had their husbands 'playing the field' back in those days, but very few behaved the way this woman was (and is) behaving. Why is she mulling over the imperfections of her marriage now? It sounds like the sort of attention-seeking behaviour she used to exhibit when the OP was younger.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like the OP is strong enough to get firm with her, so the situation won't change. Being an only child is no reason to put up with unreasonable behaviour from your parent.

dancingfairy

My first thought was that it could be dementia or other illness. I'd get her checked just to make sure there's nothing wrong, especially if it's something simple like a urine infection that can be easily sorted.
In terms of caring, sometimes it's easier if you let care home staff do the caring and that frees up your time and energy to do the family things/be the daughter. Sometimes you can be too burnt out trying to do the caring that the important family time slips.
Don't listen to people that say you must keep your mum at home or you must send her to a home. It's a very difficult individual decision and you should not feel guilty, you have to make the decision that's best for your family and your circumstances. No one here knows your circumstances so no one should judge you. It's a very difficult position to be in.
I don't know how mobile she is/how much looking after she requires/how much time you spend together but are there any activities you can do together that might take the focus away from your dad? Watchs favourite film together, play scrabble, do crafts, discuss fashions/news etc from different decades?
I hope you can find a way through this.
df

trolleyrun

I have no advice for you but wanted to say that I admire you for taking care of your mother, especially as she hasn't been particularly kind to you all the time. My gran had seven children and not a single one of them would take her in when she couldn't cope with living on her own anymore. She was shunted to a nursing home and visits were few and far between. I would've looked after her if I could but I live in a different country and have responsibilities here so couldn't up sticks and move back there.

You are doing a great job and you should be proud of yourself for that. Make sure you get some "you" time and some time with your hubby as well. Respite, as already suggested, could be something to think about but ultimately it's your choice.

Prothet_of_Doom

Get all the old photos out and start doing her life's scrap book, and ask her about the good times. The photos might help to bring out the good memories.

missbiggles1

summerspring wrote: »

It does sound like the mum has always been a bit of a drama queen. Loads of women had their husbands 'playing the field' back in those days, but very few behaved the way this woman was (and is) behaving. Why is she mulling over the imperfections of her marriage now? It sounds like the sort of attention-seeking behaviour she used to exhibit when the OP was younger.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like the OP is strong enough to get firm with her, so the situation won't change. Being an only child is no reason to put up with unreasonable behaviour from your parent.

Just - wow!:eek:

sparkiemalarkie

Just an idea... my own mum gets critical/unpleasant/unkind when she has too much time on her hands.
My mum is very well at the moment (she's 89) and bored so we can have a lot of negative conversations about other people... if I let her........


sparky

POPPYOSCAR

Old age can do the strangest things to people.


A friend of mine whose mum I have known for years and is the sweetest person I know, now at 90 has days when she is out and out nasty.


It upsets my friend who takes great care of her but I try to reassure her that it is not really her saying these things, not deep down.


Another elderly person I know started asking me to make a cup of tea for her deceased husband, very out of character, turned out she had a urine infection, once it was treated she stopped doing it.


So try to let it wash over you, say ok mum and do something to distract her.

indsty

Looking after an elderly parent is hard, really hard, and may get harder.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of what your mum is saying, doesn't really matter - she is old and getting older, and her mind may or may not be playing tricks on her. What matters is how you react to it - you have good memories of your father and that is what you will always remember. Just try and accept that your mum is saying what is in her head now. That may be the reality or a distortion of reality. If it helps, just smile and agree with her - what does it really matter.

However, you also need to make sure you are getting all the help/breaks etc that you need - that way you can continue to care for her for as long as possible.