Elderly Mum slagging off deceased Dad

academiablues

I don't really think it matters whether the OP's father had affairs or not - the point for me is that the OP doesn't want to hear it.
Have you tried changing the subject, OP? Or some kind of "broken record" technique of "I don't want to discuss this with you, mum" and then either moving the conversation on or leaving the room if it distresses you too much? If she's trying to get a reaction, show her it won't work. If it's true, you still don't need to hear it. If she's starting to show symptoms of an illness like dementia, saying "okay mum" and changing the subject might help, as it validates what she's saying but doesn't imply that you believe it. Good luck, as it sounds like a difficult situation.

cavework

Son is a carer , he has said the exact same thing..
'she has little to worry about in the present and is now resurrecting things long gone'
He has told me to not argue but to say 'OK' leave the room and take a deep breath..
xx
Thank you for all the replys

pmlindyloo

Whether your dad did have affairs or was not such a loving husband as you thought is neither here or there.

Whether your mum is telling the truth or not is neither here nor there.

You wish to remember the dad you remember so you have to find a way to deal with your mum.

So, some different approaches to try....

treat her like a child and change the subject as soon as she starts up about your dad. Leave the room if she continues.

say' how awful for you, I never realised' and let her carry on. Then the next time she starts just say, 'you've told me' and then change the subject.

Tell her that she is in your house and you will not tolerate her being so horrid about your dad. If she doesn't stop then she will have to find somewhere else to live.

None of these is easy when inside you are screaming what a nasty vindictive person she is but you have to live with her so you are going to have to find a way to cope.

Once you have decided which way to go then do it and don't forget the mantra of refusing to get into a conversation just keep repeating what you have decided to say.

Having had to cope with a 92 year old mother myself who was not the nicest person on earth (not living with me) I found that as soon as I took control of the situation I could stop getting stressed about things.
Elderly people can be very difficult and you have to adopt a very 'what you are saying/doing is not going to get to me I can control that' attitude. Otherwise they can make you stressed/praying for an early release/full of hatred and bitterness.

Keep the memories of your dad intact. Yes, we don't know what went on in their marriage but if you don't come to terms with it the situation will smoulder in resentment - not a healthy way to live with someone.

BigAunty

Are you saying your mother had agoraphobia when you say she wouldn't leave the house? Though this is a bit contradicted by her part time jobs in her 50s?

Did she have other mental illnesses? Or are you saying that she was manipulative and feigned agoraphobia and had hysterics due to her character and personality?

I'm getting the impression that you found her hurtful towards the family when you were younger and these instances show she hasn't really mellowed and has brought back bad memories for you.

Is the kind of lashing out she is doing now relatively similar to the kind of punishments she apparently inflicted on your father? How is it different, if anything?

Also, I wouldn't rule out the dementia/urine infection physical elements yet - I've seen strange behaviour and language from my grandparents with these conditions.

Sally_A

Your mum and dad were both good parents to you, maybe your mum shielded you from the truth as you were growing up so that you wouldn't need to "take sides".

Are you any only child? Maybe she is trying to tell you that there are half-siblings out there.

Listen to her...she's nearly 90, ask her questions, no matter how upsetting they may be...you are an adult now, and she may need to get things off her chest.

If your mum passes and you have questions/doubts - you will never get another chance.

cavework

BigAunty wrote: »

Are you saying your mother had agoraphobia when you say she wouldn't leave the house? Though this is a bit contradicted by her part time jobs in her 50s?

Did she have other mental illnesses? Or are you saying that she was manipulative and feigned agoraphobia and had hysterics due to her character and personality?

I'm getting the impression that you found her hurtful towards the family when you were younger and these instances show she hasn't really mellowed and has brought back bad memories for you.

Is the kind of lashing out she is doing now relatively similar to the kind of punishments she apparently inflicted on your father? How is it different, if anything?

Also, I wouldn't rule out the dementia/urine infection physical elements yet - I've seen strange behaviour and language from my grandparents with these conditions.

OK .. Mum refused to leave the house to go on any family holiday after 1968..
She also refused to go to any events Dad was involved in ( he was Burma Star)..
Dad did all the shopping from about 1980.. Mum rarely left the house but did attend 2 of my weddings.. 1986 and 1992..
Yep 2 !
Sister was killed in a RTA in 1984 aged 18.. Mum coped without medication ..This is what really pulled them together.
Yes Mum was always hurtful towards me..I was never good enough . Eldest wild child.. this is not just my impression, others have said the same.
She did the same thing to me and my Dad..she even tried it with my oldest son when he was 10 but I stepped in.

Mojisola

cavework wrote: »

Because she is my Mum.. I have no brothers or sisters.
Dad died in a Nursing home and I promised I would never let her do the same..
I am doing the best I can

cavework wrote: »

Yes Mum was always hurtful towards me..I was never good enough . Eldest wild child.. this is not just my impression, others have said the same.

It's possible that the best thing for your Mum is not to be looked after by you.

ariba10

Belive in your Dad.

Dementia is a terrible thing.

,We have a niebour who is going through the same thing and is saying what we know to be blatant lies about her husband.

It is something you will have to live with.

Good Luck.

elsien

cavework wrote: »

Because she is my Mum.. I have no brothers or sisters.
Dad died in a Nursing home and I promised I would never let her do the same..
I am doing the best I can

There may come a point where you are no longer able to keep that promise. My aunt promised the same to my uncle. But she is 80, lives a long way from the rest of the family, and despite doing all she can can she is no longer able to cope with the physical and emotional burden of looking after a large man with advanced dementia on her own.
So if you ever get to the point where it's too much for you, don't beat yourself up about not keeping your promise. People who ask that of you may have no real understanding of what they're really asking, and probably neither did you at the point you were making it.
If my uncle understood what my aunt was going through, I don't believe he'd hold her to her promise, he loved her too much to watch her making herself ill on his behalf.

dktreesea

I've been in a similar situation. Thirty years ago, I was saying something to my grandmother about my grandfather (who I thought, and still do, was a real sweetie) and she out of the blue turned around and snapped at me (most unlike her) that I don't know what I was talking about, that he's not the angel I think he is and that he has had affairs in the past and put them through all kinds of suffering.


Tbh, I didn't believe her. I was hardly going to go to my grandfather and say "Grandma says you have been unfaithful to her in the past. Is it true?" I don't think I reacted the way she expected, because I told her off for slagging a man who wasn't around at that moment to defend himself.


A couple of decades on, after my grandmother had passed on, I mentioned all this to my dad and asked if he thought it were true. He said yes, he could remember the arguments and the rows, and my grandmother even left them for a while. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Here was I, all my life, thinking they seemed so close. And all along my grandmother was bitter inside about how she had been treated.


Give your mum a break. It sounds like she put a brave face on everything in times gone past, just to keep the house together for your sake. And now, it must be too much for her, realising you still hold your Dad in high esteem when in her eyes he was a philanderer.