Your partner doesn't drive, does it bother you?

BigAunty

PeonySugar wrote: »

I didn't bring up the idea of being insured for a month, he did. He finds it easier to learn with me as he knows me rather than someone he doesn't. Which is why I agreed to it along as he then books lessons straight away so he doesn't get out of the swing of driving therefore rendering me teaching him for a month pointless.

Most people wouldn't agree or offer to teach a friend or relative to drive because its potentially dangerous without dual pedals for control, its a potential source of conflict and also a way to introduce bad driving habits.

Do you think he initiated your tuition because he genuinely wanted to learn how to drive and then he got cold feet or he did this to get you off his back, to buy some time, to look willing?

Has he ever made other promises or commitments that he's not then carried through on? Is he managing to save money as agreed, for example?

You have great empathy for his anxiety so you must be aware that some sufferers get so crippled that they withdraw socially and give up their employment - do you have any worries there about his anxiety getting worse or more and more embedded and restrictive?

I have a job 5 miles away with a shift pattern where some start before public transport begins and I don't drive. I bought a cycle or pay a tenner for a taxi for my early shifts. At the weekend, my partner offers to drive me to work but never for an early shift and I would never expect them to get up at 6am to drive me to work on any day of the week. Its a temporary job otherwise I would get refresher driving lessons - I passed my test 25 years ago but moved to live in cities and never bought a car. I would not expect to be driven to work by anyone.

Person_one

DS4215 wrote: »

I drive and the Mrs doesn't. She had lessons, but failed the test and didn't carry on. At times it is a pain, especially when she is criticizing my driving (too fast, too close, not fast enough, etc, etc) and there are occasions when I really do not to drive and have no choice.

On the rare occasions we do go out, I would like to have a drink sometimes, but I never can without spending a fortune on a taxi (probably £15 from the nearest town and lots more from the places we normally go to). My other main complaint is when I am expected to take her to a gig that isn't in the nearest venue. Having to drive 40+ miles each way doesn't exactly fire my enthusiasm when the same band are also playing 15-20 miles away - usually because she prefers the venue.

Its actually stuff like this that would put me off. Not that they were 'lacking ambition' or a certain 'personality type' but that day to day, year to year, it would get quite annoying being the only one doing all the driving.

Even with the best of intentions, if you're in a serious relationship you're not really going to let your partner be inconvenienced using public transport all the time and walking everywhere, you'd end up feeling like an !!!! if you did that. I suppose its like any chore/responsibility. If you can't find a way to balance things so it feels even and fair, resentment starts. Maybe the non-driver can be the household oven cleaner and lawn mower...

Pixie5740

I've been out with people who don't drive and it's their attitude towards it that can p me off. Some non-drivers are perfectly capable of getting where they need to go without a car whereas one ex in particular refused to use public transport and expected me to chauffeur him around everywhere. It really became a bone of contention especially as he never gave me any petrol money despite him working full time whilst I was a full time student.

In fact one summer he had the bright idea about going to the South of France on holiday except he point blank refused to fly and said "we" could take my car (Ford Ka) to drive from Scotland, through England and then through France. Needless to say we never went on holiday.

OP, how long have you been seeing this guy? He seems like quite a lot of hard work with his anxiety and hang ups. I know that sounds bad but my experience of dating someone similar (the one who expected to be chauffeured everywhere) is that the relationship became really draining as he leaned on me more and more whilst not doing anything to help himself. It fell into a parent and child relationship which lead to me eventually ending things.

BigAunty

Pixie5740 wrote: »

OP, how long have you been seeing this guy? He seems like quite a lot of hard work with his anxiety and hang ups. I know that sounds bad but my experience of dating someone similar (the one who expected to be chauffeured everywhere) is that the relationship became really draining as he leaned on me more and more whilst not doing anything to help himself. It fell into a parent and child relationship which lead to me eventually ending things.

I recall one thread on here a few months ago from a woman who was at the end of her tether with her husband who suffered from anxiety (and also OCD, I think). She loved her husband dearly and he was a good father to the kids and helped round the house.

However, he hadn't worked for over 10 years and refused to have anything to do with the household finances at all - he insisted on getting a small sum of pocket money and had nothing to do with bills, budgeting or their benefits.

His greatest fear was the premature death of his wife and being unable to cope with the children as a widow. This obsessive thought was so deep he did everything he could to try and get her to stay at home 24/7, including trying to break up her social and family ties, trying to prevent her from attending Uni, texting and phoning her all the time (and calling the Police if she didn't respond quickly enough). Despite this, he followed his own interests and had an active social life but shut down all opportunities for his wife. She was at the end of her tether.

From memory, the posters on the thread were generally sympathetic to the mental illness but some wondered whether his illness was a convenient way of getting what he wanted whenever he wanted as the whole set household set up seemed to be designed around his needs and preferences. Any attempt to redress the balance resulted in a panic attack or row on his behalf.

duchy

I do think it's true there are selfsufficent non drivers and those who expect a chauffeur service as a god given right.

It isn't clear which the OP's BF is -all we really know is she feels she should run him around not that he thinks she should

burnoutbabe

Saving up for a house deposit? seems strange, why not just rent together, somewhere handy for you both to get to work?

waiting for him to get enough for a deposit just seems like a very very long wait.

Lily-Rose_3

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

But for so many people public transport isn't an option so driving is essential. Completely depends where you live.

I agree.

duchy wrote: »

If people can't drive they usually choose not to live in rural areas with no public transport- for fairly obvious reasons -As we all to a greater or lesser extent choose where we live- your post is a bit "If the moon was made of cheese" in its logic.

Few people need to drive nearly as much as they claim - often it is just laziness. They are too lazy to walk fifteen minutes to a shop or a bus stop. I'm not talking about people with disabilities - just your common or garden lazy person who "just couldn't live" without a car. No wonder we're a nation with increasing obesity

I agree slightly with Duchy that some people are just lazy and will drive anywhere rather than walk. One woman I used to know used to drive to the primary school that was 10-15 minutes walk!

But I don't agree with all of the post.

I do think that these days, having a car is essential for most, and it's nothing to do with laziness, it's more about peoples busy lifestyles these days, and the fact you can get places so much quicker with a car.

Basically (and this is true I swear,) when my daughter was at college, it was 12-15 minutes drive in the car, and it took her one and three quarter hours by bus. She had to change twice! It was a ridiculous route. In addition, most jobs I have had, have been 10 to 20 minutes drive, and yet they take an hour and a quarter to an hour and three quarters to get there by bus. Absolutely nuts. Some people have to get a bus to the train station to get the train to work!

Also, many people live in big housing estates now that are a long walk from the bus stop, and buses are infrequent and slow, and people have jobs to get to with different shifts, often finishing late, so it's hardly surprising that people prefer to drive.

For some people these days, they have several kids in different schools, (that are nowhere near each other,) kids in a school 4 or 5 miles away, (with no school bus,) and a job to go to, (for both parents.) that is often quite a few miles away.

Also they live either rural, or in one of those minging, soulless, new-build slums with cul de sac after cul de sac after cul de sac, and a 20 minute walk to the bus stop that only goes to the town centre anyway. (And their workplace can be 20 miles plus away.)

Many years ago, people lived 10-30 minutes walk from their work, their kids school was walking distance, and all the shops were a few minutes walk too. And so was much of the family.

It's simply not like that anymore, and poor public transport in many towns, coupled with all of the above that I mentioned, mean a car is utterly essential for most.

Not everybody is blessed with living 2 minutes walk from a bus stop, that takes them to every destination they need to get to in life, in 10 minutes!

Would it be a deal breaker for me if a man couldn't drive? Not sure as it's never happened. I would imagine it is annoying though. I mean, we drove from Devon the other week after visiting family, and my husband got freakishly tired halfway, and I took over the driving for the last 100 miles. What if I couldn't drive? We would have been stuffed.

I think driving is an essential life skill and I cannot fathom why people would not want to learn. Many jobs require you to have a driving licence, and it can seriously impair future opportunities if you cannot drive.

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I don't think that's the case.

It's just the nature of internet discussions. It's very confrontational and no-one does actually discuss anything because that implies they might listen to others and change their views dramatically.
No-one does that, instead they state their position and defend it no matter what. Everyone else is wrong and they are right. They also tend to relate everything back to themselves and feel different viewpoints are almost personal attacks.

People aren't like this in real life. It's just a weird forum thing that seems to get worse each passing year.

I don't know why it's become so adversarial like this. It never used to be this way.

Are you tryna start something? :mad::mad::mad:








:rotfl:

Torry_Quine

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I think driving is an essential life skill and I cannot fathom why people would not want to learn. Many jobs require you to have a driving licence, and it can seriously impair future opportunities if you cannot drive.

I disagree that driving is an essential life-skill. I have had lessons in the past but just didn't feel that driving was something that suited my personality.

Personally when I was working whether you could drive or not was immaterial and would make no difference to job prospects.

BigAunty

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I disagree that driving is an essential life-skill. I have had lessons in the past but just didn't feel that driving was something that suited my personality.

Personally when I was working whether you could drive or not was immaterial and would make no difference to job prospects.

I might be veering more to Torry Quine on this one.

I live in a city with excellent public transport links compared to many places and I deliberately bought houses close to stations because I don't drive.

Nonetheless, like TQ has outlined, there is a big move from companies from the city centre to either business parks on the outskirts or business parks in the outlying towns.

As I've identified, jobs that are 15-20 minutes drive from me can take 2 legs and a taxi journey, taking an hour and a half overall. I often find my job opportunities limited because a city centre job suits public transport for me but doesn't suit employers who prefer the cheaper rent elsewhere.

I even withdrew from a job offer when I found I had to take 2 buses to get there even though it was only a few miles down the road as I had to go into the city centre and then back out again in a V shape. I felt it was too dangerous a route to cycle and too expensive by taxi. It probably would have taken 10-15 mins by car or 25-35 mins by cycle but took up to 1.5 hours by bus whose stop went to the outside of the business park and would have meant a long stroll to the office.

Currently I can cycle to my job in 30 mins but on public transport by 2 trains, it takes an hour. It's a comfortable journey by train but by bus, it would likely take even longer and the risk of me getting to work late would be much higher because of how unreliable buses can be and the way the stop is nowhere near my office. Again, it's a 15 minute drive.

duchy

BigAunty wrote: »

I might be veering more to Torry Quine on this one.

I live in a city with excellent public transport links compared to many places and I deliberately bought houses close to stations because I don't drive.

.

Despite being a car owner and driver whenever I've been moving I've always discounted houses without reasonable public transport links. I like knowing that if the car doesn't start or if I had some kind of medical issue that prevented me from driving I wouldn't be trapped or reliant on others to get on with normal life.