Why do people think less of a couple who aren't married?

dirty_magic

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It all depends. You can totally have a nice day and a meal with friends and family for not very much at all.

I'm all for people having the day they want, and don't agree with those saying "just go down the register office", as even though that is the legal part taken care of, people are perfectly entitled to have their "big day" and have things the way they want.

When I hear things in the above quote however, it does make me sad as it does come across as an excuse, a defence mechanism if you like....which is perfectly understandable.

Maybe it's because I'm not a big wedding fan, but it always makes me cringe when women hold out and hold out for their "big romantic proposal". I think it's a decision that should be talked about and decided together.

But realistically to pay for a proper meal for 80-100 friends and family it's going to cost £500 even at the local 2 for 1 pub! Then you've got the cost of the actual ceremony, plus the rings and the dress and suits.

I wouldn't be the type to hire a castle and have all the stupid extras like a £400 cake but I would like a nice wedding and I think even a budget wedding would cost between 2 and 3k. We just don't have 3k spare to spend. People do seem to look down on people when they say they can't afford to get married, but there's nothing wrong with wanting a nice day!

Just out of interest, if you don't have any kids what are the benefits of being married, other than the pension thing? If you've signed an expression of wish and made a will surely your OH would be taken care of whether you're married or not? I understand why you'd want to be married if you had children, but I don't really understand the benefits for a childless couple.

j.e.j.

scarlet55 wrote: »

I disagree with this, couples are just as much committed, if not more so, because there's no piece of paper binding them together. Couples that choose not to get married aren't doing so because they want to keep their options open...what an awful thing to say.

No it's not an awful thing to say. The guy (and apparently his girlfriend too) doesn't want commitment. That's keeping your options open.

The book analogy earlier is quite appropriate, methinks

You don't have to buy one, you can just borrow one and take it back once you're done with it.

lulu_92

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Sorry to seem thick but I have no idea what you mean by that.

He's not going to tell me, when, where, what and how he is going to propose, is he?

Mojisola wrote: »

You don't have to buy an engagement ring in order to plan a marriage! We didn't bother with engagement rings - just told everyone that we were getting married.

It's not essential that the man asks the woman! If she wants to get married, she can ask him. If he says no, she can then decide what the future of the relationship is going to be.

Exactly! We do see things and go "let's have that at our wedding" and I do joke "if it still exists in 20 years!" I could propose if I wanted to but I'd be too nervous! I'm not holding out for a massively romantic thing either, I've told him I don't care where or when, as long as he doesn't do what our friend did and left the ring on the coffee table with a simple note and went to the pub! :rotfl:

scarlet55 wrote: »

I disagree with this, couples are just as much committed, if not more so, because there's no piece of paper binding them together. Couples that choose not to get married aren't doing so because they want to keep their options open...what an awful thing to say.

Yep, if I wanted to I could leave OH tomorrow with all of my belongings and start a new life hassle free...but I don't want to. My life is with my OH and I love it.

We still call each other boyfriend/girlfriend, I can't stand "partner" either!

j.e.j.

lulu_92 wrote: »

He's vague about it as he's not exactly going to tell me the details of him wanting to propose, is he?

He has the "spare time" to buy a ring but he is deciding to save all of his extra money so when we have a child they can have nice things. Plus he might be getting a better job but with less money (more career progression) so that's a factor.

Bless you, you do sound young.

I'll say no more on the subject, - Your business.

dirty_magic

j.e.j. wrote: »

No it's not an awful thing to say. The guy (and apparently his girlfriend too) doesn't want commitment. That's keeping your options open.

The book analogy earlier is quite appropriate, methinks

You don't have to buy one, you can just borrow one and take it back once you're done with it.

But you can't if you've got a mortgage! It'd be just as much of a headache if we split up being unmarried!

j.e.j.

dirty_magic wrote: »

But you can't if you've got a mortgage! It'd be just as much of a headache if we split up being unmarried!

Yes, in fact more so, perhaps?

I can't understand why someone would want to commit to a mortgage but not a marriage, if they're a couple, but I do know a few people who've made the decision that they're not bothered about marrying, and they just live together in the house they've bought.. Their choice. If both of them want that it's up to them.


What seems to be happening with a lot of women though, is that they want to get married (even though they make out they're not bothered) and they're waiting for the fella to propose, probably knowing deep down that it ain't gonna happen, because there's ALWAYS going to be some excuse as to why he can't or won't get married.

I feel quite sorry for these girls, they are quite naive, I think.

lulu_92

j.e.j. wrote: »

Bless you, you do sound young.

I'll say no more on the subject, - Your business.

Yes, because being young is a bad thing...

My OH and I save as much as we can for our new house. When I got pregnant we decided to save more and the priority would be good quality things for the baby, money to bump up pay on maternity leave, money for things like insurances for cars (my insurance is still high as I've only been passed a year), savings for the house, and miscellaneous. When I miscarried we decided to carry on with the above plan so we're even more prepared when I get pregnant again, and we've also booked a very well deserved holiday (only to Blackpool, as we wanted to be mindful of money).

Would I like to be engaged? Yes, I would but there's a lot more to life and a lot more things I would like our money to go on.

How any of this is a bad thing I don't know..

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Surely being freer to leave but still choosing to stay makes living together more of a commitment in some way?

Marriages end all the time anyway. Making it harder to sort things out if it does fall apart doesn't stop it going wrong in the first place.

lulu_92

j.e.j. wrote: »

What seems to be happening with a lot of women though, is that they want to get married (even though they make out they're not bothered) and they're waiting for the fella to propose, probably knowing deep down that it ain't gonna happen, because there's ALWAYS going to be some excuse as to why he can't or won't get married.

I feel quite sorry for these girls, they are quite naive, I think.

Can you list examples of these many women?

Just because a guy hasn't proposed doesn't mean it's never going to happen? My friend has been with her OH almost twice as long as I've been with mine and he only proposed last year.

I'm not "waiting for him to propose". It would be nice but it doesn't make me unhappy that I'm not engaged or married. Everyone has different priorities in life, ours just happen to be starting a family first.

I can get married when I'm 45, but the chances of me having a child then is a lot lower!

Kynthia

A mortgage isn't as big as a commitment as marriage as why do people get mortgages together when they aren't ready to marry yet, or when one doesn't want to marry the other? Mortgages do financially tie you to someone, but marriage is a legal commitment and a big statement to everyone. You are legally a unit/couple and are telling everyone that you've found the one, you aren't settling or just happy for now, you love them and want to be with them forever and you're prepared to share all that you have and protect them as much as you can, and that you're going to take action to do this (get the license and go to the ceremony if not also organising a wedding).

Although some unmarried couples are as committed, do somehow show their partner that it's for life, do share all that they own by pooling money and putting assets in joint names, do put wills and insurances in place, etc, it's difficult for outsiders to know this as there isn't a public declaration. Also many unmarried couples say they are as committed but wouldn't be prepared to do the above, or aren't there yet so there's no way to know.