Why do people think less of a couple who aren't married?

missbiggles1

geerex wrote: »

Maybe for people like you a shoestring wedding is acceptable, some people actually want to do it properly and see it as more than a couple of signatures on a piece of paper. You know, a day where thinking about the money you've saved isn't the most important thing on your mind ... Probably the wrong forum to say that I suppose, some of you are tighter than a gnats chuff. :rotfl:

And that short phrase says it all.

Marriage is not "a day", it's (or should be) a lifetime's commitment - that's what "doing it properly" really means, not spending a fortune on a party.

lulu_92

duchy wrote: »

This post illustrates what I mean.
The social party is the focus
(and there's nothing wrong with that -Lulu is been honest it's important to her and not pretending or been hypocritical ) It wouldn't be my choice but then my choice of wedding style wouldn't be hers either

It's not the pure focus as in the sole reason we want to marry, but it is something we would like to have. We are extremely sociable and the sheer amount of people we would want there on our day would cost an arm and a leg, especially at the place we would hope to marry. We had considered a small wedding in Cyprus but when we (OH) realised that a lot of people we wanted there would not be able to afford to attend and we thought it was unreasonable to expect that of people. That arrangement might work for other people but it wouldn't have for us.

I think personal desires have gone out of the window in this thread, but they're kind of important in a discussion about commitment. There's nothing wrong with the way any of us are living our lives with out OHs because things suit people differently. There's nothing wrong with me hoping that when OH proposes it is a surprise and on the romantic side, just like it's okay if two people decide to become engaged without any of that.

As for commitment, OH and I have gone through so much in 4 years. Our relationship has been tested time and time again and we get through it. We are a stronger couple because of these shared experiences and it's made us more committed to each other the longer we're together. Legally we need to get married but we certainly don't need the certificate to show people how strong and committed we already are.

Stompa

duchy wrote: »

Surely you correct people you know because they matter to you and you want them to know.......whereas you don't care what a stranger you will never see again thinks.................surely that's the same for everyone married or not ?

Err no. We're not married, but sometimes somebody will make a reference to my 'wife'. I've never felt the need to correct them, it seems too trivial to bother with. In fact I normally describe her myself as 'Mrs S' when I post on various forums.

Gillyx

maman wrote: »

I'm sure this has been said before (apologies for not reading from the beginning). I don't have a problem with couples who choose not to marry that's their choice. What confuses me is why some choose to have children and then marry afterwards.


Is it because they don't believe in marriage on principle and then change their minds?


Gilly, it does sound as if you've got all the legal aspects covered but I'm not sure about your use of 'legal professional'. Is this just someone who witnessed a DIY will? Personally I'd rather have it drawn up by a solicitor. That may be the case and it's just the wording you've chosen.

Yes a solicitor. Not a DIY will, thankfully

dirty_magic

Out of 13 pages I still haven't seen any benefits of getting married for a childless couple.

For couples with children, I can see why a woman would want to get married, because it's usually the woman that looks after the children. If it were to end in divorce the woman is more taken care of in a divorce settlement than if an unmarried couple split up.

You do hear some real horror stories about divorce though with men losing everything and struggling to rent a flat while the wife keeps the house, so I can see why some men don't want to get married tbh.

This thread is making me wonder why I would like to get married, because I don't really know why I would in terms of the benefits it would give.

onlyroz

I can see why people might want more than a shoestring wedding but I also don't see the point in holding out for a super lavish extravaganza. A modest wedding with a decent party can be easily done for a few £k.

I know two people who had a child and then had a wedding a year or so later. In the first case the woman was in her late thirties before meeting the man she wanted to marry and I imagine she wanted to have the child first to mitigate the risks of declining fertility. In the second case I have no idea why they had the baby first. Perhaps it was unplanned but I'm certainly not going to ask.

In general, however, if you know you want to both have a child and get married then to me it makes sense to have the wedding first.

geerex

missbiggles1 wrote: »

And that short phrase says it all.

Marriage is not "a day", it's (or should be) a lifetime's commitment - that's what "doing it properly" really means, not spending a fortune on a party.

Yes, and after spending a lifetime with your loved one, I'm sure you'll have happy memories sitting reminiscing about your "big day" when you confirmed your love for each other in the cheapest most cost effective way possible, counting every penny and making it all about the cash savings.
Nothing says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" quite like a tesco value wedding. :rotfl:

onlyroz

dirty_magic wrote: »

Out of 13 pages I still haven't seen any benefits of getting married for a childless couple.

For couples with children, I can see why a woman would want to get married, because it's usually the woman that looks after the children. If it were to end in divorce the woman is more taken care of in a divorce settlement than if an unmarried couple split up.

You do hear some real horror stories about divorce though with men losing everything and struggling to rent a flat while the wife keeps the house, so I can see why some men don't want to get married tbh.

This thread is making me wonder why I would like to get married, because I don't really know why I would in terms of the benefits it would give.

To ensure your partner can inherit your property when you die.
To limit the amount of inheritance tax payable on death.
To ensure your partner is consulted over medical decisions if you get critically injured.
To ensure your joint assets are equally distributed if you separate.
To ensure you inherit occupational pension payments and receive life insurance payments on your partner's death.

dirty_magic

onlyroz wrote: »

To ensure your partner can inherit your property when you die.
To limit the amount of inheritance tax payable on death.
To ensure your partner is consulted over medical decisions if you get critically injured.
To ensure your joint assets are equally distributed if you separate.
To ensure you inherit occupational pension payments and receive life insurance payments on your partner's death.

1. Our house is in both our names so it automatically goes to the other when we die.
2. Irrelevant for us, this isn't likely to change.
3. This is one I hadn't thought of!
4. We don't have joint assets except the house.
5. Neither of us have life insurance other than the mortgage which is is in both our names, and you can name a person on a pension.

onlyroz

dirty_magic wrote: »

1. Our house is in both our names so it automatically goes to the other when we die.
2. Irrelevant for us, this isn't likely to change.
3. This is one I hadn't thought of!
4. We don't have joint assets except the house.
5. Neither of us have life insurance other than the mortgage which is is in both our names, and you can name a person on a pension.

Some more interested things from this link shown earlier:

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Married couples have a legal duty to support each other. Presumably this applies if one of you is a "house-wife" or similar and your partner refuses to give you access to money to buy clothing etc.

If you are not married and are not named in a tenancy agreement or on the house deeds then you have no right to remain in the property if the relationship ends.

One I mentioned earlier eas about being called as a witness in a trial - a married person cannot be forced to testify against their spouse.