Why do people think less of a couple who aren't married?

onlyroz

duchy wrote: »

And you are perfectly entitled to think that way...... What you are not entitled to do is tell other people that you are right and they are wrong. If you don't equate marriage with commitment and love -then that is fine for you but everyone isn't the same so some people won't feel as you do -and are equally entitled to feel the way they do without anyone snipping at them.

Please tell me where I have said that I am right and others are wrong, or that I have "snipped" at somebody? All through this thread I have maintained the view that unmarried couples can be just as committed as married ones - just that it is my view that marriage conveys many benefits and protections to a married couple, and that those who don't choose to get married should take precautionary steps to insure themselves against death or separation.

maman

I'm sure this has been said before (apologies for not reading from the beginning). I don't have a problem with couples who choose not to marry that's their choice. What confuses me is why some choose to have children and then marry afterwards.


Is it because they don't believe in marriage on principle and then change their minds?


Gilly, it does sound as if you've got all the legal aspects covered but I'm not sure about your use of 'legal professional'. Is this just someone who witnessed a DIY will? Personally I'd rather have it drawn up by a solicitor. That may be the case and it's just the wording you've chosen.

geerex

maman wrote: »

I'm sure this has been said before (apologies for not reading from the beginning). I don't have a problem with couples who choose not to marry that's their choice. What confuses me is why some choose to have children and then marry afterwards.


Is it because they don't believe in marriage on principle and then change their minds?

How narrow minded and bloody judgemental! :mad:

Has it not occurred to you that sometimes children are unplanned and funds need to be diverted away from a marriage ceremony to buy things like prams and cots?
Or perhaps the wedding fund had to be used for ivf and it was one or the other?

Engage your brain before posting next time. :mad:

missbiggles1

geerex wrote: »

How narrow minded and bloody judgemental! :mad:

Has it not occurred to you that sometimes children are unplanned and funds need to be diverted away from a marriage ceremony to buy things like prams and cots?
Or perhaps the wedding fund had to be used for ivf and it was one or the other?

Engage your brain before posting next time. :mad:

That's a bit of an overreaction to a perfectly reasonable post.

Given it's already been pointed out how cheaply you can get married, your argument holds little water.

lulu_92

maman wrote: »

I'm sure this has been said before (apologies for not reading from the beginning). I don't have a problem with couples who choose not to marry that's their choice. What confuses me is why some choose to have children and then marry afterwards.


Is it because they don't believe in marriage on principle and then change their minds?


Gilly, it does sound as if you've got all the legal aspects covered but I'm not sure about your use of 'legal professional'. Is this just someone who witnessed a DIY will? Personally I'd rather have it drawn up by a solicitor. That may be the case and it's just the wording you've chosen.

If I go off the experiences of a lot of my friends that had babies before marriage in all but 3 or 4 cases the pregnancy wasn't planned for whatever reason. They then usually decide to get married when the child is 2 or 3.

We know what we want for a wedding and it won't come cheap. We're okay with that. However right now we can't justify spending that much when we have a house to buy, and we don't want to get married just for the sake of it because some people think we should be and end up compromising on the way we want to do things. People will probably disagree with the way we are doing things but it works for us. At the moment it's frustrating that having a baby isn't exactly happening for us and everything else requires a bit more money. We could get married in the way we want to right now but it would mean putting it on credit cards. As we are both debt free (and I always have been) I'm not prepared to do that.

As mentioned previously I may have some problems conceiving in the next few years so we made the choice to try for as long as we can.

Jagraf

maman wrote: »

I'm sure this has been said before (apologies for not reading from the beginning). I don't have a problem with couples who choose not to marry that's their choice. What confuses me is why some choose to have children and then marry afterwards.


Is it because they don't believe in marriage on principle and then change their minds?


Gilly, it does sound as if you've got all the legal aspects covered but I'm not sure about your use of 'legal professional'. Is this just someone who witnessed a DIY will? Personally I'd rather have it drawn up by a solicitor. That may be the case and it's just the wording you've chosen.

I think you are looking into it too deeply. I think people do what they want to do, as there is no right and wrong. I got married, had a baby, got divorced, married again. Not sure if anyone wants to analyse my choices?

Torry_Quine

missbiggles1 wrote: »

That's a bit of an overreaction to a perfectly reasonable post.

Given it's already been pointed out how cheaply you can get married, your argument holds little water.

Also if people do want to be married before children then they don't have to be behaving in a way that children are a possibility.:o

duchy

geerex wrote: »

How narrow minded and bloody judgemental! :mad:

Has it not occurred to you that sometimes children are unplanned and funds need to be diverted away from a marriage ceremony to buy things like prams and cots?
Or perhaps the wedding fund had to be used for ivf and it was one or the other?

Engage your brain before posting next time. :mad:

If you can't afford a marriage ceremony (around £300 at most) then you probably can't afford a child either. You are mixing up marriage and having a wedding (something that keeps coming up on this thread)

Marriage a legal contract of commitment between two people -requiring the participation of five people :the couple, the person marrying them and two witnesses.
Wedding a social celebration of a marriage -an optional party following a marriage ceremony.

Plenty of people can't afford a wedding -few can't afford to get married.

If you really want to marry someone then you don't care if you don't have the party bits and pieces or not -if on the other hand you insist on ten bridesmaids, a three grand dress and a ballroom with full sitdown meal for two hundred and a day of conspicuous consumption then it's a different matter !!
I think marriage matters but I don't enjoy show off weddings - I wouldn't go into debt to get married and the weddings I've attended that I've enjoyed the most were the simpler ones rather than the big affairs with people pretending to be something they are not.

I do think some people genuinely don't wish to marry- however I also believe there are a lot of people who would like to be but their partner doesn't -and the expense of a wedding is used as an excuse . How shallow does "I want to make a public and legal commitment to you but I won't until we can afford a big party too" sound when that same legal commitment can be made for a couple of hundred and the party can come later when finances are better (with a renewal of vows if wanted)

duchy

lulu_92 wrote: »

If I go off the experiences of a lot of my friends that had babies before marriage in all but 3 or 4 cases the pregnancy wasn't planned for whatever reason. They then usually decide to get married when the child is 2 or 3.

We know what we want for a wedding and it won't come cheap. We're okay with that. However right now we can't justify spending that much when we have a house to buy, and we don't want to get married just for the sake of it because some people think we should be and end up compromising on the way we want to do things. People will probably disagree with the way we are doing things but it works for us. At the moment it's frustrating that having a baby isn't exactly happening for us and everything else requires a bit more money. We could get married in the way we want to right now but it would mean putting it on credit cards. As we are both debt free (and I always have been) I'm not prepared to do that.

As mentioned previously I may have some problems conceiving in the next few years so we made the choice to try for as long as we can.

This post illustrates what I mean.
The social party is the focus
(and there's nothing wrong with that -Lulu is been honest it's important to her and not pretending or been hypocritical ) It wouldn't be my choice but then my choice of wedding style wouldn't be hers either

geerex

missbiggles1 wrote: »

That's a bit of an overreaction to a perfectly reasonable post.

Given it's already been pointed out how cheaply you can get married, your argument holds little water.

Maybe for people like you a shoestring wedding is acceptable, some people actually want to do it properly and see it as more than a couple of signatures on a piece of paper. You know, a day where thinking about the money you've saved isn't the most important thing on your mind ... Probably the wrong forum to say that I suppose, some of you are tighter than a gnats chuff. :rotfl: