Why do people think less of a couple who aren't married?

red_devil

do they I wasn't aware.

duchy

dirty_magic wrote: »

I think the general conclusion is that everyone has different ideas of commitment. This debate could go on forever, but does it really matter whether other people think you're committed or not if you know you are?

If those other people are an employer who have more favourable benefits for married employees or family who exclude those living over the brush rather than married from family events amongst many other scenarios- then it may not matter to you but to some people those kind of things do matter.

One of the saddest things I came across was a lady who had lived with her partner for twenty years- gave up her own career and pension to stay home and raise his kids (he was a widower) - When he died very suddenly she discovered he'd left the house (which was in his name only ) to the children and nominated his children in his work benefits. All these arrangements were decades old and he'd never bothered updating them. Not only did she lose her home but was left feeling he had never cared about her enough to check whether his assumption that they were "as good as married" was actually true-which it wasn't. Had he married her - it would have invalidated the will.....or had he not married her but not assumed he was married in all but name and updated his will she wouldn't have been left in such a bad situation.

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

If those other people are an employer who have more favourable benefits for married employees or family who exclude those living over the brush rather than married from family events amongst many other scenarios- then it may not matter to you but to some people those kind of things do matter.

One of the saddest things I came across was a lady who had lived with her partner for twenty years- gave up her own career and pension to stay home and raise his kids (he was a widower) - When he died very suddenly she discovered he'd left the house (which was in his name only ) to the children and nominated his children in his work benefits. All these arrangements were decades old and he'd never bothered updating them. Not only did she lose her home but was left feeling he had never cared about her enough to check whether his assumption that they were "as good as married" was actually true-which it wasn't. Had he married her - it would have invalidated the will.....or had he not married her but not assumed he was married in all but name and updated his will she wouldn't have been left in such a bad situation.

So marriage can be just about money then. Which is nothing to do with commitment, loving each other, or anything els. Except perhaps what the rellies might think of you.

I do think more favourable benefits for married couples will be done away with eventually, as it becomes more old fashioned, like other such scenarios as women not being allowed to vote, or women giving up work etc. Or men being expected to earn more.

duchy

At some point though most couples have a discussion whether they want to be married or not -and it's not about whether their reasons are credible or not- either way -that isn't the point. It's a decision made by a couple for what is right for them.

Where to me it just seems odd is if a couple have decided they don't want to be legally husband and wife -why they would then expect friends or family to refer to them as such. It's the same thing as a woman saying she doesn't want to be married but changes her name to her boyfriend's surname ....

I don't call myself "Doctor Duchy" because I chose not to stay at university and study to that level -so to expect people to call me Dr Duchy would be deceptive and inaccurate. I chose not to take the route that would give me that title .....by the same title I don't expect people to refer to me as my fiance's wife and I will correct people if they do as we aren't yet married. We don't live in an age where the title Mrs is a title given to all women over a certain age married or not after all

If I knew someone who referred to her husband and it later transpired they weren't married - I'd probably assume she wanted to be married and he didn't and think it was a shame that he didn't want to make her his wife as she obviously wanted it.

The day I marry my partner I'll call him my husband - to do so before (to me) devalues the choice we've made to make our commitment to each other public and legal.

gayleygoo wrote: »

OH and I have been together for over 10 years. We have 3 children are happy and committed to each other.

I fail to see how getting married would make us any more committed to doing our best for our family. Married couples have the same relationship problems that unmarried couples do. My aunt, nearing her 60's, recently tied the knot with her boyfriend of many years simply because it was legally easier than not doing it, but still disagreed with any idea that it was "better" for their relationship.

The husband/wife thing is awkward for me though. Among friends and family, OH and I are husband and wife. To say "My husband..." to a stranger seems like a lie. But I'm not that thrilled with the terms "partner" or "boyfriend"either. "Spouse" is a word used on forms, not in conversation.

I'd like to get married, for my own personal reasons, but not because anyone thinks we should. If anyone thinks less of our family for us being unmarried, then they are not people we need in our lives!

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

At some point though most couples have a discussion whether they want to be married or not -and it's not about whether their reasons are credible or not- either way -that isn't the point. It's a decision made by a couple for what is right for them.

Where to me it just seems odd is if a couple have decided they don't want to be legally husband and wife -why they would then expect friends or family to refer to them as such. It's the same thing as a woman saying she doesn't want to be married but changes her name to her boyfriend's surname ....

I don't call myself "Doctor Duchy" because I chose not to stay at university and study to that level -so to expect people to call me Dr Duchy would be deceptive and inaccurate. I chose not to take the route that would give me that title .....by the same title I don't expect people to refer to me as my fiance's wife and I will correct people if they do as we aren't yet married. We don't live in an age where the title Mrs is a title given to all women over a certain age married or not after all

If I knew someone who referred to her husband and it later transpired they weren't married - I'd probably assume she wanted to be married and he didn't and think it was a shame that he didn't want to make her his wife as she obviously wanted it.

The day I marry my partner I'll call him my husband - to do so before (to me) devalues the choice we've made to make our commitment to each other public and legal.

I get your point, but I am married and for various reasons I still call myself by my ex husbands surname as its more convenient. I use a mixture of Miss, Mrs and Ms. There doesn't seem to be a nice word for other halves, perhaps because it is a relatively new concept and the husband and wife importance hasn't quite gone yet. Maybe I. The future the same word will be used, in the same way as we now use hairdresser instead of barber and hairdresser.

Torry_Quine

I get annoyed when my husband is referred to as my partner and do corect people.

Mojisola

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

Of course it doesn't, mine says spouse or partner, Roz's has obviously used partner to cover all.

How do these companies define 'partner'? If you've been going out with someone for a couple of weeks, would that count?

duchy

Of course marriage is about money-|It's a legal contract between two people to combine their assets legally. The concept of romantic love as the primary reason for marriage is a recent one.

I disagree that advantages for married versus cohabiting couples will decline - although I can see the possibility of established cohabiting couples also benefiting. There would need to be something to measure what is a stable-life partnership versus the on- off or more temporary partnerships.

I can also see some couple marrying as the term "partner" becomes more and more devalued -I don't regard a couple dating for a week as "partners" but plenty of people use the term that way instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. As partner has been hijacked for more casual relationships - maybe there will be a new word entirely invented for the committed but not hitched ?

Jagraf wrote: »

So marriage can be just about money then. Which is nothing to do with commitment, loving each other, or anything els. Except perhaps what the rellies might think of you.

I do think more favourable benefits for married couples will be done away with eventually, as it becomes more old fashioned, like other such scenarios as women not being allowed to vote, or women giving up work etc. Or men being expected to earn more.

Domayne

For the same reason some people look down on those that DO marry.
Or those that choose not to have kids. Or those that choose to have 10.
Or people that are too fat. Or too thin. Or too short. Or too tall
Or dress in clothes they deem unacceptable.

*insert a million reasons here*

The majority of people are nosy f**ks and think they have some kind of right to dictate how others live their lives. Who cares what they think, it's not like they will pay your bills for you

corf999

A old family contract system hijacked by religion isn't appealing to me.