Why do people think less of a couple who aren't married?

Tigsteroonie

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Been together 30 years.

Got married two weeks ago, took all of 10 minutes, only two witnesses.

Congratulations!

Marley and I will do the same, I reckon - basic ceremony, couple of witnesses, for the legalities that it will give us as a family unit.

I've been married twice already, so marriage doesn't necessarily agree with me :rotfl:

POPPYOSCAR

Callie22 wrote: »

Someone once told me that I was 'dishonest' because I was living in a committed, monogamous relationship with my OH without being married. However, at the point when they said that to me they were sat next to their mistress and they shut up pretty quickly when I pointed that out.

Brilliant!!!
:rotfl:

Gloomendoom

PasturesNew wrote: »

if you look yourself up on FreeBMD you're there

I'm not, despite them saying that they have transcribed 100% of births in the year I was born.

ETA Nor is Mrs G

PasturesNew

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I'm not, despite them saying that they have transcribed 100% of births in the year I was born.

ETA Nor is Mrs G

I notice loads that are missing. I did look up why they say 100% but it's not 100% of people I've looked up (even 'famous' people deaths) the other week... but I forget the reason I found. It is annoying.... but it's also annoying that you only get the registration district listed and not the parish, disabling your ability to guess "ah, that looks like the right one".

I think the answer was "they were registered locally and then went missing, so never got to the central office"

There are also lots of errors, I have a Wendy typed as Wenda - and a Shirley entered as Hirley.

Peter333

Kate/Bob wrote: »

Having a joint mortgage is more of a tie and harder to get out of than a marriage.

I would not agree with that comment!

PasturesNew wrote: »

Unmarried says to me "X wants to marry Y; Y doesn't really want to marry X; X pretends they don't need a bit of paper; Y just nods while looking over X's shoulder at what else might be available". X won't push it ...secretly they daren't as they know Y would be off like a shot.

Agree.

j.e.j. wrote: »

I think to be fair, there are a lot of women around who drop a few sprogs by their bloke and secretly hope that he'll pop the question, when in fact he has no intention of doing anything of the sort.

Yep agree with this too.

Haven't read the whole thread but I have to say I don't take a couple's relationship who are not married, as seriously as I do a couple who are. The unmarried couple can have been together 15 years and the married couple only 7, but I will still take the relationship more seriously of the married couple. Don't ask me why coz I don't know, but that is just how I feel, and many people do feel the same, whether unmarried folk like it or not.

You will find this in many situations. Many people, institutions, companies, employers etc, will think of a married couple as a more serious relationship than an unmarried one...

I have known several people in my place of work who lost their partner. Two people lost their spouse to cancer and a road crash, and the employer and all the employees rallied around them, and they got loads of paid-for time off, and a big collection was done for them, and people really felt for them.

However when the 2 people I know who were not married lost their partners, they did not even get a single hour of compassionate leave, no collection, no nothing, because people had the attitude that 'it was only her boyfriend...' Rightly or wrongly, that is how people felt, and still do feel.

Why? I don't know.

Add all this to the fact that you have almost zero rights, and hardly any financial security, it makes me wonder why people don't get married. I have to say I find it rather odd that people spend many years together and don't get married.

I have to say if any of my children chose to not get married and had kids and got a house together etc etc; I would be very disappointed. I would not be happy at them being together for years and having kids and not getting married. Again, don't ask me why because I don't know. Old fashioned values maybe...???

In my opinion (and this is just my opinion,) a couple who have been together for many years (10+) who are unmarried and have no plan to marry are not fully committed. They can't be 100% sure that they want to spend their life together, otherwise they would get married.

I also believe that in many couples, one of the couple (usually the woman) secretly wants to get married, but pretends she doesn't whilst slating marriage to the hilt. Me and my wife know at least 6 women who are in long term relationships and they say their man won't get married. They want to get married but he doesn't...I have yet to meet a man who is desperate to get married when the woman doesn't...

One woman we know who goes to Church, has been with the partner for 13 years and she is not married, but tells everyone in Church that she is, as she is too embarrassed to admit she is not married, and that he refuses to get married!

Another woman we know who wants to be married says 'I would rather stay with him unmarried, than not be with him...' Me and my wife cannot fathom why his wishes take priority.

I don't think anyone is being shallow or judgemental; they just can't fathom (like me) why people spend many years together but don't get married, and continually churn out the 'it's only a piece of paper' line. It really isn't only a piece of paper. It's very foolish to think this.

Georgiegirl256

That's really sad (and wrong) about what happened in your work place Peter. I believe that unmarried couples can be just as committed (if not more) as a married couple, but you are right in what you say, they are judged differently by some people.

I can definitely say that I've noticed a difference in the way I'm treated by others (mainly older women) since I got married. That too is sad in a way, as I was committed to my DH before marriage, our relationship was as real then as it is now....but in a lot of people's eyes it wasn't.

Your last two paragraphs sum up the points I was making before.

Peter333

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

That's really sad (and wrong) about what happened in your work place Peter. I believe that unmarried couples can be just as committed (if not more) as a married couple, but you are right in what you say, they are judged differently by some people.

I can definitely say that I've noticed a difference in the way I'm treated by others (mainly older women) since I got married. That too is sad in a way, as I was committed to my DH before marriage, our relationship was as real then as it is now....but in a lot of people's eyes it wasn't.

Your last two paragraphs sum up the points I was making before.

I agree Georgie. And that - and what you said - proves that many people think the same. Not sure why and I am not saying it's right, but many people do take a married couple's relationship more seriously than that of an unmarried couple...

How do people treat you differently Georgie?

Just wondered...

Callie22

Peter333 wrote: »

You will find this in many situations. Many people, institutions, companies, employers etc, will think of a married couple as a more serious relationship than an unmarried one...

I have known several people in my place of work who lost their partner. Two people lost their spouse to cancer and a road crash, and the employer and all the employees rallied around them, and they got loads of paid-for time off, and a big collection was done for them, and people really felt for them.

However when the 2 people I know who were not married lost their partners, they did not even get a single hour of compassionate leave, no collection, no nothing, because people had the attitude that 'it was only her boyfriend...' Rightly or wrongly, that is how people felt, and still do feel.

I have to say your place of work sounds appalling. If my partner were to die then there would be no difference between the compassionate leave that I would get and the compassionate leave that I would get if we were married. I can't remember the exact wording but partner and spouse/co-habitee are considered equal in terms of our contractual right to compassionate leave. Equally, if I were to die then my partner is the nominated beneficiary for my death in service payout, and for my pension - in fact I think it's specifically called a 'partner pension' irrespective of if you are married or not.

Fortunately, I don't know of anyone in my office who has lost their spouse or partner but I have no doubt that people would be treated exactly the same, and would be treated with sympathy and dignity - there would be no question of a massive collection and outpouring of sympathy for one person and nothing for the other. I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must have been for those people to come back to work and have their grief dismissed so easily, 'old-fashioned values' or not. Kindness and compassion are also 'old-fashioned values' that we all deserve, whether you agree with someone's life choices or not.

fairy_lights

Well I've been with my oh for nearly 5 years and are buying our first house together. We have no plans to get married, but might consider it for the legal benefits. I was never one of those girls who grows up dreaming of a wedding, my parents and siblings are all in long term unmarried relationships so I suppose marriage has never been important to my family.
Frankly I couldn't give a crap if people take our relationship seriously, our family, friends, employers and insurance company (we checked) do, and that's what matters.

Peter333

Callie22 wrote: »

I have to say your place of work sounds appalling. If my partner were to die then there would be no difference between the compassionate leave that I would get and the compassionate leave that I would get if we were married. I can't remember the exact wording but partner and spouse/co-habitee are considered equal in terms of our contractual right to compassionate leave. Equally, if I were to die then my partner is the nominated beneficiary for my death in service payout, and for my pension - in fact I think it's specifically called a 'partner pension' irrespective of if you are married or not.

Fortunately, I don't know of anyone in my office who has lost their spouse or partner but I have no doubt that people would be treated exactly the same, and would be treated with sympathy and dignity - there would be no question of a massive collection and outpouring of sympathy for one person and nothing for the other. I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must have been for those people to come back to work and have their grief dismissed so easily, 'old-fashioned values' or not. Kindness and compassion are also 'old-fashioned values' that we all deserve, whether you agree with someone's life choices or not.

I agree with some of your points. The last person in my office who lost a partner was (I think) 2008/2009, and it was someone who was not married, and no their relationship wasn't taken as seriously at all... I mean, people said sorry and all that, but they certainly weren't given compassionate leave or as much fuss as the person whose husband died the year before... I don't know how it would be now.

I am not aware of any rules for compassionate leave for a boyfriend or girlfriend. I thought it was just spouse or close relative. That is a new one on me.