wanted a baby for so long - how to accept it's proberly not going to be

heartbreak_star

Just wanted to send a hug.

HBS x

Jagraf

When I met my OH I had a DD already. He asked me at the time if I would consider having a child with him, and I said yes. We then went though ten years of life issues (not to do with fertility) at which point I really was too old, and didn't want any more. So, he has his step-daughter. He is her rock and her Daddy without doubt. He, however, has not had any biological children, even though he physically, we physically, were probably able.

We looked into adoption but again, time has taken over, and we are "the other side of small children". Funny how life passes by.

OP, don't have regrets. You can only go forward and take life as it comes.

All I can say is, that in OUR experience, biology isn't everything. Also you are only 38 .

Xx

Jagraf

VestanPance wrote: »

I gave up on having a family when I split from my ex and decided that I wasn't interested in having another relationship.

It can take time for it to settle in and come to terms that its something that's not going to happen for you. What helped me was looking at things logically. I was slightly younger than the OP at the time of splitting with my ex, but when I took into account I wouldn't dream of having a child with someone I didn't know extremely well, which would take a good few years. Then I'd be well into my 40's (which I am now) and what child wants a parent that old. I'd be retired by the time they'd be going to University!

My nan was 45, and my grandad 58 :eek: When my dad was born. I thank them for persevering and giving my dad a happy life and then producing me.

When a child goes to uni they don't care whether you are an old or young parent. They have their own lives and would probably be thankful you had them. So, role on 45!

pinkteapot

rocketqueen wrote: »

I think once I have got over the news about my ex I will proberly look at things more sensibly.

It is hard when you get that news. DH and I have been trying for over four years. A year or so ago we heard that his ex-wife has just had a baby. There's nothing wrong with either of us - we have the "diagnosis" of unexplained infertility. I felt irrationally guilty, thinking if he'd still been with his ex he'd have kids.

From talking to people who have been unable to have kids, I think what you go through is quite different depending on whether you have to deal with "you can never have children" or "it could still happen but maybe it won't".

If you find out you're infertile it's an absolutely horrendous shock and a terrible thing to go through, but you work through that news and move on from there in time (hopefully).

For people like us, who think it could still happen, but start to feel like it probably won't, it's a longer, shallower process. Shallower in the sense that you don't hit the horrendous low from being told "there's no way", but you have years of uncertainty, not knowing if it'll happen and it almost feels like your life is on hold while you wait to find out.

Either way, it's one of those things, like a bereavement, that people who haven't been through it simply can't understand (though they can sympathise).

good_vibes

*hugs* It's hard not a lot of people know what it is like to say goodbye to never have had the chance to say hello. It's a bereavement like no other x

DinkyLass

Just wanted to add my own experience on this...


I tried for a few years to conceive with my ex and found out I had PCOS and endometriosis. After a few rounds of Clomid I fell pregnant but had an early miscarriage. The strain of the whole thing tore my marriage apart and we split shortly after.


Then I met my current Husband and explained from the start that if he wanted kids he'd need to be with someone else and he said he wasn't bothered either way, he just wanted to be with me. Not long after that I found I was pregnant again and had another miscarriage. My brain kicked into this awful 'must keep trying' mode and we were at the point of starting IVF...it was making us both crazy and putting our relationship under strain. At this point my OH forced me to take a step back and really think about why I wanted to have kids...it just hit me like a brick wall that I'd only ever wanted kids to fill the emotional voids in my past relationship, and to give my Mother the Grandchild she'd always wanted! I couldn't honestly think of one good reason why we should have a baby!


So, we put a halt on the IVF and took some time out to go on holiday, plan our wedding etc and after a year or so I realised that I had this amazing man in my life and we didn't have to have kids to have a happy life together. We told our consultant we'd changed our minds and he was actually really pleased.
Some of our friends and family were less than pleased and we got all the 'you'll change your minds' or 'you'll regret it' comments.


4 years on I can honestly say it was the most liberating decision I've ever made, and it just goes to show that you can go through the heartbreak of divorce, infertility and loss, and come out the other side a totally different person.


I wish you all the best with your choices...just make sure you do what it right for you!

susancs

OP, it can still happen for you. My sister said the same thing to me three years ago when she was the same age as you and had split up with her boyfriend. Few months down the line she was introduced to a chap who was a friend of a friend via a blind date. Within two years married and had a child when she was 41. She had endometriosis and took zinc supplements when trying for a baby (as I did when trying for my two children with endometriosis).

thistledome

Nobody said "just adopt", which I agree would be an incredibly stupid and heartless thing to say. The only posters who've used the words "just adopt" are the ones complaining about it.

"Have you considered adoption?" is nothing like telling someone to "just adopt". It was asked with the kindest of intentions and didn't deserve to be met with that barrage of outrage.

lulu_92

thistledome wrote: »

Nobody said "just adopt", which I agree would be an incredibly stupid and heartless thing to say. The only posters who've used the words "just adopt" are the ones complaining about it.

"Have you considered adoption?" is nothing like telling someone to "just adopt". It was asked with the kindest of intentions and didn't deserve to be met with that barrage of outrage.

I agree that the poster didn't say "just adopt", but as it has been said before it's not always the solution for many reasons and a lot of people tend to suggest it as being the magic fix. Like I said, if missbiggles had said something like "I've been there, had issues with my own fertility and I adopted and it's the best thing I ever did and I totally recommend it" I think reactions may have been different. People on this site get used to others assuming adoption is for everyone.

I'll see how I feel about the question myself in a few years time.

missbiggles1

lulu_92 wrote: »

I can see Elvis' post touched a nerve and possibly was a bit too general, but we do get it a lot when people talk about infertility and the most common answer is "just adopt". It's so easy for someone who hasn't been through any fertility issues to say that, so I guess that's where the annoyance comes from.

Although had you elaborated in your original post I doubt Elvis would have wrote what she did. Giving someone 4 words is not enough for us to know your opinions.

I wasn't trying to give my opinions, there's rather too many people doing that on here already!

I was making a perfectly reasonable suggestion which only needed 4 words to do so, it certainly didn't warrant the flaming I got for it.