wanted a baby for so long - how to accept it's proberly not going to be

cats2012

Don't consider yourself out just yet - my cousins were both born when their mum was 41 and 44 and yes she's a little old now but she's fit, healthy and they are an awesome family

duchy

I don't agree
Adoption is simply an option to consider, just as IVF is.
People don't only adopt because they can't have children -I know several families where the children are a mix of adoptive and birth children (and two where the adoptive children come in the middle of the age range not first or last of the siblings).
My partner is adopted and there is no way his parents considered him as second best -they adore/adored him and couldn't love him more- in fact maybe the fact they didn't have it easy and had to at one point fight for the adoption arguably made him *more( precious to them. He's their son in every way- except they don't share the same gene pool - and realistically there are plenty of families who for one reason r another don't - be it adoption, blended families, sperm and or egg donation or even fathers who believe they are the father but actually aren't .
My partner doesn't love his parents any less - and his birth mother who he met in later life is simply the woman who gave him life - but she's not his MUM- that title belongs to the lady who raised him. Parenthood comes in several forms and biology is the least important factor in the bigger picture. Adoption certainly isn't a lesser or inferior choice.

I did wince at the "get a puppy" comment though !!!

As for PCOS - treatment has come on in leaps and bounds -and if yours is mild may not have been the factor that stopped you conceiving with your ex -some couples just don't "take" together yet have no problems conceiving with new partners but as you don't mention a partner yet maybe that's a bit cart before the horse

LilElvis wrote: »

I only read as far as this post and wanted to explode. The very, very last thing that anyone who has struggled with fertility issues needs to hear is this. It is just about the most insensitive, knee jerk reaction of those with no comprehension of what infertility means. Why would anyone think that saying "well, you can always adopt" make that longing for a child just vanish? Adoption is a different journey. To choose that route means acceptance of closing the door on having a biological child and realising the additional issues which come with adoption. A trite comment like "just adopt" assumes it is as simple a decision as accepting salt and vinegar crisps because the shop has run out of plain. It really isn't, and is only ever uttered by those who have never been placed in such a situation.

Mrshaworth2b

I don't think "have you ever thought of adoption" is meant with malice. It's just someone thinking, if you want to be a mum there are plenty of ways to be a mum, you don't nessassarily have to carry one.

Keep your chin up, my mother had me at 41, she didn't have perfect fertility, there is always hope. As said before sometimes your not compatible with the partner, although I had a friend who was compatible with 3 different partners in a year.... yet it took nearly two years for me and mine. Seemed very unfair at the time.

pinkshoes

A friend of mine tried for 10 years for a baby with no success. Eventually she split from her husband as he was a bit too controlling. He had spent years telling her the lack of fertility was her fault, and she was now too old. (He had a test and his sperm were 'fine' apparently...)

She accepted she was infertile, met another guy, didn't bother with contraception as she couldn't have kids, and hey presto, pregnant 2 months later!! Quite a surprise, but she is now 44, her son is 3.5 and she is still with the dad!

You never know when you are going to meet someone else. You Could always look into getting eggs frozen as an option?

VestanPance

I gave up on having a family when I split from my ex and decided that I wasn't interested in having another relationship.

It can take time for it to settle in and come to terms that its something that's not going to happen for you. What helped me was looking at things logically. I was slightly younger than the OP at the time of splitting with my ex, but when I took into account I wouldn't dream of having a child with someone I didn't know extremely well, which would take a good few years. Then I'd be well into my 40's (which I am now) and what child wants a parent that old. I'd be retired by the time they'd be going to University!

SandC

My friend had her first at 43 so you are not out of the realms of possibility at all. Also, there may have been some physical incompatibility between you and your ex and it may happen with someone else.

Not easy but I'd say get dating, get out there and try to enjoy yourself as much as possible, take up mud runs or something out of your comfort zone, fitness clubs of whatever kind are a great way to meet people, friends even which make you all the more attractive to the opposite sex. I hope that wasn't patronising, it kinda reads that way but that's not my intention.

I'm happily childfree myself but have been around friends and their various experiences in both having or not being able to have children to see how distressing it is. Best of luck!

duchy

VestanPance wrote: »

I gave up on having a family when I split from my ex and decided that I wasn't interested in having another relationship.

It can take time for it to settle in and come to terms that its something that's not going to happen for you. What helped me was looking at things logically. I was slightly younger than the OP at the time of splitting with my ex, but when I took into account I wouldn't dream of having a child with someone I didn't know extremely well, which would take a good few years. Then I'd be well into my 40's (which I am now) and what child wants a parent that old. I'd be retired by the time they'd be going to University!

Apart from the obvious comment that retirement age in twenty years time will be a lot higher than now ...........

My Dad was 39 and my Mum thirty when they had me - would they have been better parents if they had me when they were younger ? I don't think so - they had both lived full lives and brought those life experiences to raising me. They didn't want to go dancing or out drinking as they'd done all that and were ready to focus on family life in full. I had friends whose parents were too hungover to bring their kids swimming on a Sunday morning or when we became teenagers wanted to come clubbing with us :eek:. My parents were over all that and I think that made them better parents for it. My Mum had lived her adult life in central London - every school holiday we'd be off having adventures in London on train day trips whereas some of my friends with younger mothers never went anywhere like that as their Mums saw London as a big, scary place and wouldn't dream of hopping on the train without hubby in tow to look after them and the kids lol

Life expectancy is rising and with it the age people have children. Women having their first child at forty was unusual but not unheard of when my son was born nearly twenty five years ago - now no-one even blinks if a woman is pregnant at forty or even forty five.

To reject the prospect of a family just because forty is approaching simply isn't a good enough reason nowadays.

VestanPance

I'm not dumb enough to be counting on a State pension. I'll be retiring before 60 quite easily.

My parents were old when they had me. Dad was 45, mum 40. They were both dead before I was 25.

duchy

Mine are both gone too -although they lived longer than your parents - but my partner lost his Dad this year and his Mum is still going strong both well into their eighties so I think there is limited value in the "what if" age game. We all know people who dropped of heart attacks in their thirties or forties and others who lived to a ripe old age. Like the rest of life it's a lottery and playing the odds isn't always the right thing to do.

rocketqueen

Thanks everyone I appreciate all of the varied views and opinions.

I do have a new man in my life now so I do realise it's not impossible that we will have a child in the future, but it just seems unlikely.

I'm due for a check up appointment this month on my PCOS so will also find out then if the conditioned has worsened.

I think once I have got over the news about my ex I will proberly look at things more sensibly.