wanted a baby for so long - how to accept it's proberly not going to be

rocketqueen

Just needed to rant and feel sorry for myself for 5 mins, so apologies upfront!

My (soon to be ex) husband and me had been trying to conceive for approx 7-8 years when we split up approx 18 months ago, I have pcos but only fairly mildly and the doctors said although it lowered my chances of getting pregnant my hormone levels etc were still satisfactory - but it just didn't happen for us.

When we split up I thought I had accepted fact that a baby just wasn't part of my future and threw myself into my career, my reasoning for this was my age - I'm 38 this year, my PCOS and fact I'd have to find another man I wanted to be with first!

Now I have found out that the exes new girlfriend is pregnant. It's brought all the old feelings of desperately wanting a baby back and I'm finding it REALLY hard. I thought I'd accepted this and moved on with life.

I know it could still potentially happen for me, but deep down I know the chances aren't looking good.

Does anyone have any advice or similar experiances?

lulu_92

Oh hun I'm sorry to hear your struggles. I would be feeling the same way as you had I found that out! My ex who was a right commitment-phobe has just had a baby with his girlfriend. I've just had a miscarriage after 8 months trying so that was raw enough, let alone adding years of trying and a breakup onto that!

Don't count yourself out just yet. Like you said, it could still happen!

Could you get a pet, like a dog? They are a great outlet for love and affection (and they don't have a teenage phase!)

No need to apologise for a rant, I am often tempted to write a post myself, but it'd be called "Why can so many people fall pregnant at the drop of the hat, and I can't?" with a subheader of "why are fertility issues often a taboo but someone can have a baby from poor planning and that's fine!" We all need a rant and I hope it has helped

justme111

Hugs. Accepting something not palatable is not easy , specially about quite a large issue as children are. I do not think there is a shortcut to that , its grieving loss of hope. You may want to take attitude that if it is meant to be it will be , some people take ages in finding new partners , some don't, you may meet someone tomorrow. It is possible that you were just not compatible with ex in that department, there are stories of people not being able to conceive and then after split both of them had children with new partners. My friend just had a child at 42. So it is possible although unlikely -you may want to trust the world to offer you what you really need xx

rocketqueen

Thank you both for your kind words.

Lulu92 - sorry to hear what you've been through. I like the sound of your possible forum post title and I was thinking of calling mine a similar thing when I wrote it! Unfortunately a dog is not an option at the moment, this is also the first time in my entire life I've not had a cat or dog to love and care for, so guess that's possibly increasing my feeling that something is missing.

Just me111 - thank you for your lovely post. I think in some ways the "small" amount of hope is worse then no hope at all, at least if it was a 100% certain I could almost grieve for what I can't have and then trt to move on. I am with a new guy who is lovely and everything I wanted.

justme111

Then have a lot of sex (may be not relevant if he had vasectomy though)
I would mention IVF but I am aware of how much pressure it puts on people and damages relationships. .

missbiggles1

Have you considered adoption?

Baby_Angel

I know couples who are childless and happy. I also know a couple who were childless and were very unhappy, but managed to adopt a child. I myself went through a phase of not having a child (almost 8 years) and then losing her. Now I do have a child and count my blessings, but I can relate to how you hang on to the "hope" that it might one day happen. People are all different and adjust and cope as and when life throws something at them. I am so sorry you are going through this phase with added pressure of your ex going to have a baby. I hope you meet someone and it may happen soon. One of my friends you was 37 at the time went on to have a healthy child. One of my co-workers currently is pregnant and she is 42. So it could happen. Let hope die last. I wish you well. Good Luck.

VfM4meplse

38 is not too old. But neither is it the age to sit at home and wallow, you need to put yourself out there!

LilElvis

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Have you considered adoption?

I only read as far as this post and wanted to explode. The very, very last thing that anyone who has struggled with fertility issues needs to hear is this. It is just about the most insensitive, knee jerk reaction of those with no comprehension of what infertility means. Why would anyone think that saying "well, you can always adopt" make that longing for a child just vanish? Adoption is a different journey. To choose that route means acceptance of closing the door on having a biological child and realising the additional issues which come with adoption. A trite comment like "just adopt" assumes it is as simple a decision as accepting salt and vinegar crisps because the shop has run out of plain. It really isn't, and is only ever uttered by those who have never been placed in such a situation.

greenbee

About 5 years ago I had some problems investigated and found out that I needed urgent gynae treatment. Throughout the process (despite the fact that I was in my late 30s) I was assured that they would do everything they could to help me if I decided I wanted to start a family. During this time my relationship broke down (looking back, this is a good thing!). The treatment is finally successful and my health has stabilised - however, having kids is no longer an option, as it would mean discontinuing treatment and no one is prepared to let me do that.

During the time I was having treatment I was very unwell (and had been for some time beforehand, but had accept it as my normality), and although I did have some counselling I wasn't really in a position to benefit from it. It wasn't until I'd come to terms with the illness, and also with being well again that I started to be able to deal with the infertility.

Oddly it wasn't counselling or medical professionals that made things make sense. Or even well-meaning friends and family who know about the situation (not many know the detail), but unrelated conversations with acquaintances and work colleagues who know little or nothing of my situation - they helped me realise what was important to me.

The advice I did find useful from my consultant was to remember that coming to terms with infertility is like a bereavement. You have to give yourself time to grieve for the children you will never have. And you have to give yourself the space and time to come to terms with it as much as you can - but be aware that it isn't something you can forget and move on from. It's always with you and part of what makes you what you are.

So give yourself time, and focus on enjoying the life you have. If you do end up having kids, then that's an extra blessing. But don't let not having kids taint the rest of your life.

Whenever I feel the need to spend time with kids I borrow my brother's two. I usually feel the need to give them back after 48 hours...

And sadly, I agree about the adoption comment. Not just from the point of view of dealing with infertility (IVF and adoption may be options but the issues have to be dealt with first), but also from the point of view of the children involved. It's not necessarily right for either party if the reasons are wrong. I have friends who have chosen to adopt despite not having fertility issues, and I have huge admiration for them. I know it's not the answer for me.

Lily-Rose_3

LilElvis wrote: »

I only read as far as this post and wanted to explode. The very, very last thing that anyone who has struggled with fertility issues needs to hear is this. It is just about the most insensitive, knee jerk reaction of those with no comprehension of what infertility means. Why would anyone think that saying "well, you can always adopt" make that longing for a child just vanish? Adoption is a different journey. To choose that route means acceptance of closing the door on having a biological child and realising the additional issues which come with adoption. A trite comment like "just adopt" assumes it is as simple a decision as accepting salt and vinegar crisps because the shop has run out of plain. It really isn't, and is only ever uttered by those who have never been placed in such a situation.

This 100% :T

Drives me absolutely CRAZY when someone says 'just adopt' as if it's as easy as going to get a puppy from the pound. :mad:

The comment is usually followed by 'there are 1000s of kids waiting to be adopted, just get one of them!' Like it's THAT easy.

As you say 'lil elvis' this is only ever uttered by those who have never been placed in such a situation.

To the OP, I am really genuinely very sorry for you and the situation that you find yourself in.

I hope you find peace of mind.