Dumped out the blue....

zoesmummy_2006

I was just downstairs sorting out the kids breakfast, went back upstairs and found a text and missed call from him, saying he was sorry, then another text came through begging me to talk to him.

I caved and called him back. He said he'd had a horrible night tossing and turning missing me, that he kept wanting to text me and call me but he didnt want to wake me if i was asleep. That he feels like crap and he doesnt know if hes done the right thing and can he come see me after work.

Im torn, i want to see him so bad but yet again i just feel like hes giving me false hope. He said yesterday that he wanted to talk and he didnt talk, just packed his stuff and cried. He keeps saying he doesnt know if he misses me or misses being with somebody, that he is scared of commitment, but that he loves me and i made him happy.

I told him he'll be ok, and he got all short with me saying that it didnt take me long to get over him and i lost it. He got what he wanted then, i cried and told him that i still love him and that i want to see him so bad. but then i told him i wont stand for him giving me false hope and that i dont think i can see him right now.

I told him that commitment is scary, nobody knows what the future is going to hold but that unless youre prepared to take a chance you'll never know and by being too scared to, you stand the chance of letting something good get away. He said we were good, and we managed to joke together a bit. But i feel like crying again now. He didnt want me, he made it abundantly clear yesterday when he took his stuff and changed everything in a matter of hours, so why is he doing this now? Again because hes young.........

VestanPance

The entire relationship sounds like a car crash. Two insecure people. One who appears to be immature (not surprising given his age). As for the constant calls, texts, checking. That sounds like you treat him more like a child than a partner.

If I was you I'd call it quits. Nine months in and he's bailing after a drunken night at a BBQ! Even if he didn't cheat that night it possibly opened his eyes to what he's missing out on regularly in terms of social nights, as he's dating a woman 11 years older who has two kids. He's not just dating, he's looking at taking on a family. That's a huge commitment for anyone, never mind someone so young.

Pollycat

The post above doesn't surprise me at all.

Do you really want to get back into a relationship with this man?
It sounds like you both have trust issues and he seems to be keeping you out of his life with his friends.

I would question his reason for not inviting you to the BBQ, especially when his friend was expecting you to go.
He seems to like having you in a separate compartment for some reason.

Lunar_Eclipse

I think he either loves you but is scared of committing (very understandable given your age & having children) or he cheated on that night out (possibly only as an easy way out of the above!), feels incredibly guilty but doesn't want to discuss it.

I think it's clear that you both love each other.

I suggest you think long and hard about what you want and then talk to him. Don't run away from seeing him, if only because working through this will help you in future relationships, of all kinds. This is the stuff that makes us learn about ourselves and become better communicators. Avoiding him achieves nothing and misses a great opportunity to grow and develop.

I do still think this relationship could work. But you need to start talking, acknowledge his fears and decide how to deal with things. And don't forget how hard it would be to take on someone else's children, then add in the fact he is only 24 with no previous experience.

I believe in love conquering all, but it's never usually a smooth and enjoyable ride 24/7. And looking at it objectively, your circumstances are far from ideal even if you're the love of his life, so commitment from him is an incredibly big ask, but saying you don't want him to give you false hope is daft, because there are never any guarantees in how people will feel from one day to the next; relationships break down all the time. They are all a gamble, but a kind and loving relationship is a good start.

Good luck!

Money_maker

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I also think that mature or not, this 24yo realised the life he was missing out on. This may have been because of the influence of his friends, signalling that he's not that mature, he's just like any other 24yo male.

I agree with this post. He's 24 years old, gone out to get !!!!ed at a BBQ then on to a house party. All his mates are doing the same, some with young girlfriends and some alone. Answering to no one. He wants this life, not some 'older' woman with 2 kids who gives him the third degree like his mum would.

Now he's gone, it's the cold light of day and he's getting cold feet. If you try again then you'll come back to this scenario again further down the road.

I wish you all the very best OP and hope you meet someone deserving of you that you can share you life with.

ellesbellesxxx

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

Im torn, i want to see him so bad but yet again i just feel like hes giving me false hope. He said yesterday that he wanted to talk and he didnt talk, just packed his stuff and cried. He keeps saying he doesnt know if he misses me or misses being with somebody, that he is scared of commitment, but that he loves me and i made him happy.



QUOTE]

This really stood out to me... as did when you said he got short with you when you told him he would be ok. It sounds to me like immaturity (well, the level of maturity of guys in their 20s!) as he doesn't want you to be over him, but he doesn't know what he wants either.
Yes, you loved him but there were clearly things in the relationship that were bothering you and unless they can change, you are going to go back to square one.

Why don't you take some time for you - work on your insecurities (mindfulness, counselling?) then when you are ready and have more confidence in yourself, then get back into dating.
I know that this may sound like tough love but I remember having a break up like this (in my 20s)when they kept calling saying they didn't know what to do... and I made the decision for them. Anyone worth being with, would work through any problems and sort them out.

xxx

amistupid

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Remember the good times and hopefully your children haven't had the time to get too attached to him.

TBagpuss

FBaby wrote: »

My take on this is that he realised that you'd reached the point where things were getting very serious and that it was either time to commit fully or move on. His love for you made him want to commit hence all the words of love and plans together but there was also the alarms bell with your insecurities that made him worried that you would suffocate him and moving with you would be the ends of any freedom. He might have been pondering on this for some time and your behaviour that night confirmed his fears. Is a real pity as I'm guessing that your would probably have relaxed and felt more secured once he moved in but he wouldn't hedge known that. He had to make a decision now rather than doing so one he'd moved in.

That was my read on it, too - that the discussion about moving in together has perhaps made him focus on what he wants.

You might find it helpful to look into the possibility of counselling to help you deal with your issues - you mentioned that you accept you can be insecure and this results in you constantly checking up - that might be something to work on, so you are able to move forward, and move into a new relationship in the future, a little bit more comfortable in your own skin.

I think Lunar Exclipse is also right - think long and hard about what you want - if you think that there could be a future for you, then you could speak to him to ask him whether he would be willing to consider couples counselling to try to work through the issues, or indeed whether this is more about missing being in a relationship rather than wanting to be back with him specifically.

Good luck.

j.e.j.

amistupid wrote: »

Remember the good times and hopefully your children haven't had the time to get too attached to him.

This is the trouble where kids are involved and mum's on the dating scene, - how many "uncles" are they going to be introduced to..

justme111

What he does is very selfish. Tell him that you understand he is unsure and to get in touch with you once he figured it out , not treat you like a mop. And stop listening to what he says and look what he does instead.