Dumped out the blue....

zoesmummy_2006

I was with my bf 9 months and this morning he dumped me out of the blue, came over took all his stuff and went, has changed his relationship status on fb to blank already too. I had no idea this was coming, it really was a bolt from the blue.

He was my first serious bf since my ex husband left, hes 11 years younger than me but that never bothered him, nor did me having 2 kids. We took it steady and introduced him to them after a few months when we were certain it was going to be serious, he knew how important it was to me. And hes been amazing with the kids, they love him.

He picked me up from work wed night, we spent the day together thursday and friday he finished work early so sat waiting in the carpark where i work for over 2 hours til i finished so he could take me home. He left on sat lunch to go do a job and before he left told me he loved me and would see me soon, as he always did. we spoke yesterday avo and he said he'd been invited to a bbq at his friends and would be going there later. He was texting me asking if I was having a good night, telling me he missed me and when i told him to have fun with his friends and that id see him soon he said he wanted to be texting me, that his friends hadnt followed him to the pub yet. Then he went silent on me for a couple hours so i assumed they had. He called about half 11 to say he was a little drunk and staying out later than he normally would, he normally goes home bout 11.30-12 and always calls me when he gets in. Well I must have dozed off, I woke at 1.40 and realised he hadnt called me and was worried so tried to call him. Straight to voicemail. Everytime I called. Ok i maybe did go a little overboard but I was worried, he'd not been well the last few days and I was worried incase he'd been taken ill again. Part of me also went paranoid and was thinking worst case scenario, that he was with someone else, his phone is never off more than an hour, and he always tells me if his battery is dying so I dont worry.

Fast forward to this morning, he text me eventually saying we need to talk. He came over and took all the stuff he'd left at mine over the last 9 months, clothes dvds shoes coats hair and deodorant stuff. And he just sat on my bed crying, wouldnt talk to me just kept saying sorry. Then he said he couldnt be with me cos of my insecurity, that he'd been in relationships like that before and he wasnt going to do it again. And over and over that he was sorry, sobbing the whole time. He took his stuff out to the car and i had to go inside, i couldnt bear to watch him drive away, Id begged and pleaded with him to try, to give me another chance and I couldnt watch him leave if that really was it. But he sat in the car sobbing. I went back out and tried to get him to talk to me, but all i got was sorry over and over again.

Ive deactivated fb this avo, i dont want to be on there right now, dont want to see him change the status, he text me wanting to know if id deleted my fb and thats when he told me he had changed his realtionship status, then he was telling me it felt like he was standing on his own heart and that it hurts so much. While he was here, inbetween the sorry, he told me he still loves me that im perfect and that I do everything he could want, he couldnt want more. So why has he done this???

I have been a little stressy lately, ive changed jobs and i was really nervous and not enjoying to to begin with, but he talked me into sticking it out, kept telling me that he believed in me and knew i could do it when i was saying i cant, and when i said i was happier on friday he said he could tell and was proud of me. But during the week that I was unhappy I was a little stressy with him, I felt like I wasnt good enough and couldnt do anything right, i felt like he was criticising me over one of his shirts being crumpled in my drawer when he was going on bout it being creased even though id ironed it. And i have had moments where I'd ask him if he promised when he said he loved me, i know it drove him mad but he always said he did and wouldnt say it if he didnt, and i was getting better with it.

And last night I text him asking him why he never wants to go out and get drunk with me, like he was doing with his friends and why as soon as they showed up he didnt text me anymore despite saying he wanted to talk to me. I know, i sound pathetic and needy, and i regretted it instantly, i'd had a couple of drinks which hadnt helped. But we very rarely went out, was always just in at mine watching films, i wanted to cut loose and have some fun just me and him sometimes. And i was a little upset that I hadnt been invited to the bbq with him, his mate having it knows me, has met me, and apparently asked where i was when he got there, but bf said he didnt think id been invited, apparently his mate just assumed he'd bring me, so crossed wires there.

He said he'd been feeling unhappy for a couple of weeks, and that he didnt know where this was going, but he never said anything to me or gave me any inkling anything was wrong, we were still having sex as much as ever and it was good as ever, we'd recently talked about him moving in and he said he wanted to but that we needed to sort out practicalities etc first, and had been planning my sons birthday party in a few weeks together. He was even talking about us all going to a swim park together so he could take my daughter on all the water slides just yesterday. Apparently last night he'd gone to a house party from the pub and his battery had died hence why he didnt call me, that he'd slept on the floor and only got in when he text saying we needed to talk.


I cant make sense of any of this, he always told me he cant imagine ever being this happy with anyone but me, that i make him happier than he ever though he could be, that he loves me and wants to be with me. And if he didnt love me why would he be sobbing like he was and texting me telling me it hurts so much? I really thought this was it, that he was the one. I love him so much it hurts like hell to know im not gonna see him again, that hes not gonna be in my bed, im not gonna wake up to him again or have his arms round me. I just dont understand how you can love and miss someone one day and then less than 24 hours later tell them you cant be with them. Ive been through this before, worse, cos i was married with kids, but this hurts so bad cos i didnt expect it.

sorry for the ramble and well done to anyone who makes it to the end x

j.e.j.

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

I was with my bf 9 months and this morning he dumped me out of the blue, came over took all his stuff and went, has changed his relationship status on fb to blank already too. I had no idea this was coming, it really was a bolt from the blue.

He was my first serious bf since my ex husband left, hes 11 years younger than me but that never bothered him, nor did me having 2 kids. We took it steady and introduced him to them after a few months when we were certain it was going to be serious, he knew how important it was to me. And hes been amazing with the kids, they love him.

He picked me up from work wed night, we spent the day together thursday and friday he finished work early so sat waiting in the carpark where i work for over 2 hours til i finished so he could take me home. He left on sat lunch to go do a job and before he left told me he loved me and would see me soon, as he always did. we spoke yesterday avo and he said he'd been invited to a bbq at his friends and would be going there later. He was texting me asking if I was having a good night, telling me he missed me and when i told him to have fun with his friends and that id see him soon he said he wanted to be texting me, that his friends hadnt followed him to the pub yet. Then he went silent on me for a couple hours so i assumed they had. He called about half 11 to say he was a little drunk and staying out later than he normally would, he normally goes home bout 11.30-12 and always calls me when he gets in. Well I must have dozed off, I woke at 1.40 and realised he hadnt called me and was worried so tried to call him. Straight to voicemail. Everytime I called. Ok i maybe did go a little overboard but I was worried, he'd not been well the last few days and I was worried incase he'd been taken ill again. Part of me also went paranoid and was thinking worst case scenario, that he was with someone else, his phone is never off more than an hour, and he always tells me if his battery is dying so I dont worry.

Fast forward to this morning, he text me eventually saying we need to talk. He came over and took all the stuff he'd left at mine over the last 9 months, clothes dvds shoes coats hair and deodorant stuff. And he just sat on my bed crying, wouldnt talk to me just kept saying sorry. Then he said he couldnt be with me cos of my insecurity, that he'd been in relationships like that before and he wasnt going to do it again. And over and over that he was sorry, sobbing the whole time. He took his stuff out to the car and i had to go inside, i couldnt bear to watch him drive away, Id begged and pleaded with him to try, to give me another chance and I couldnt watch him leave if that really was it. But he sat in the car sobbing. I went back out and tried to get him to talk to me, but all i got was sorry over and over again.

Ive deactivated fb this avo, i dont want to be on there right now, dont want to see him change the status, he text me wanting to know if id deleted my fb and thats when he told me he had changed his realtionship status, then he was telling me it felt like he was standing on his own heart and that it hurts so much. While he was here, inbetween the sorry, he told me he still loves me that im perfect and that I do everything he could want, he couldnt want more. So why has he done this???

I have been a little stressy lately, ive changed jobs and i was really nervous and not enjoying to to begin with, but he talked me into sticking it out, kept telling me that he believed in me and knew i could do it when i was saying i cant, and when i said i was happier on friday he said he could tell and was proud of me. But during the week that I was unhappy I was a little stressy with him, I felt like I wasnt good enough and couldnt do anything right, i felt like he was criticising me over one of his shirts being crumpled in my drawer when he was going on bout it being creased even though id ironed it. And i have had moments where I'd ask him if he promised when he said he loved me, i know it drove him mad but he always said he did and wouldnt say it if he didnt, and i was getting better with it.

And last night I text him asking him why he never wants to go out and get drunk with me, like he was doing with his friends and why as soon as they showed up he didnt text me anymore despite saying he wanted to talk to me. I know, i sound pathetic and needy, and i regretted it instantly, i'd had a couple of drinks which hadnt helped. But we very rarely went out, was always just in at mine watching films, i wanted to cut loose and have some fun just me and him sometimes. And i was a little upset that I hadnt been invited to the bbq with him, his mate having it knows me, has met me, and apparently asked where i was when he got there, but bf said he didnt think id been invited, apparently his mate just assumed he'd bring me, so crossed wires there.

He said he'd been feeling unhappy for a couple of weeks, and that he didnt know where this was going, but he never said anything to me or gave me any inkling anything was wrong, we were still having sex as much as ever and it was good as ever, we'd recently talked about him moving in and he said he wanted to but that we needed to sort out practicalities etc first, and had been planning my sons birthday party in a few weeks together. He was even talking about us all going to a swim park together so he could take my daughter on all the water slides just yesterday. Apparently last night he'd gone to a house party from the pub and his battery had died hence why he didnt call me, that he'd slept on the floor and only got in when he text saying we needed to talk.


I cant make sense of any of this, he always told me he cant imagine ever being this happy with anyone but me, that i make him happier than he ever though he could be, that he loves me and wants to be with me. And if he didnt love me why would he be sobbing like he was and texting me telling me it hurts so much? I really thought this was it, that he was the one. I love him so much it hurts like hell to know im not gonna see him again, that hes not gonna be in my bed, im not gonna wake up to him again or have his arms round me. I just dont understand how you can love and miss someone one day and then less than 24 hours later tell them you cant be with them. Ive been through this before, worse, cos i was married with kids, but this hurts so bad cos i didnt expect it.

sorry for the ramble and well done to anyone who makes it to the end x

Evidently there was more going on than you were able to see.

Depending on how old you are, 11 years IS a big age gap, especially if he's a young guy and you're a bit more mature and with 2 children. I'm guessing he's in his 20s, you're in your 30s? People want very different things at those stages in life.

System

I know this possibly is going to sound bad, but my first thought reading that was that something may have happened on the night out, have you have any reason to suspect he could have cheated?

When things like this happen out of the blue, it shocks you to the core, and it must be very difficult for you right now trying to process all the feeliings, especially as his behaviour leading up to the split doesn;t seeme to be the actions of someone who's unhappy.

The only other thing i can think of to explain it would be about you asking him to move in. Do you think maybe he has panicked? You said he was 11 years younger, i don;t know how old you are, but if for example he was in his early twenties or something maybe the magnitude of settling down made him panic and react this way?

This is obviously all guesswork and i don't know why he left, and i'm sorry you're having to go through this right now.

double_mummy

my first thought was cheating as well

but you do sound really needy and clingy and this can massively turn off a guy either talk to him or move on

EDIT: yes i know easier said than done i just meant either try and get answers or move past it dont just sit and obsess over it

j.e.j.

double_mummy wrote: »

my first thought was cheating as well

but you do sound really needy and clingy and this can massively turn off a guy either talk to him or move on

EDIT: yes i know easier said than done i just meant either try and get answers or move past it dont just sit and obsess over it

..especially in a much older woman with 2 kids.

Could well be he's panicked and run.

*max*

First thought is also that he cheated last night and is racked with guilt, so his solution was to break it off instead of having to tell you and live with the guilt. Maybe he also panicked at the thought of moving in with someone with 2 kids, and the cheating made him realise he's not ready for that.

zoesmummy_2006

hes 24 and im almost 35. The thing with the age difference, it never made a difference cos he was quite mature for his age and said he didnt like girls his own age, had been there done that with the going out partying etc. I dont look my age and once i got over thinking i was too old for him we were just happy and it was sooooo good and so easy with him, we had everything in common, it just worked.

I asked him if there was someone else, as it seems to be a logical explanation for his sudden switch overnight, and would explain the repeated 'sorry' I got from him. He said no, that he doesnt want anyone else. But like you say maybe its guilt, i guess i wont ever know.

I know i was needy at times. we'd both been hurt in the past and i knew i was being an idiot, it wasnt all the time, i saw a pattern in it and it seemed to be around that time of the month generally. But thats no excuse i know, and cos of that ive lost something good and someone i love.

Re moving in, he'd lived with an ex so he knows what its like to pay bills etc, and we were joking around when it came up, he asked what, did i want him to move in and i just said yes without thinking. I did worry that it was too soon and that maybe it scared him off, we talked about it and he assured me he was going nowhere and that it was what he wanted eventually, once we figured out stuff like where his work tools would go, he'd already decided he wanted a shed where the kids trampoline is, once they outgrew that, and i came home from work the other week to a turfed front garden, he'd mentioned doing it at somepoint, but he just did it.

I guess i just have to let it go and accept that whatever it was, something has changed and its done.

DUTR

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

hes 24 and im almost 35. The thing with the age difference, it never made a difference cos he was quite mature for his age and said he didnt like girls his own age, had been there done that with the going out partying etc. I dont look my age and once i got over thinking i was too old for him we were just happy and it was sooooo good and so easy with him, we had everything in common, it just worked.

I asked him if there was someone else, as it seems to be a logical explanation for his sudden switch overnight, and would explain the repeated 'sorry' I got from him. He said no, that he doesnt want anyone else. But like you say maybe its guilt, i guess i wont ever know.

I know i was needy at times. we'd both been hurt in the past and i knew i was being an idiot, it wasnt all the time, i saw a pattern in it and it seemed to be around that time of the month generally. But thats no excuse i know, and cos of that ive lost something good and someone i love.

Re moving in, he'd lived with an ex so he knows what its like to pay bills etc, and we were joking around when it came up, he asked what, did i want him to move in and i just said yes without thinking. I did worry that it was too soon and that maybe it scared him off, we talked about it and he assured me he was going nowhere and that it was what he wanted eventually, once we figured out stuff like where his work tools would go, he'd already decided he wanted a shed where the kids trampoline is, once they outgrew that, and i came home from work the other week to a turfed front garden, he'd mentioned doing it at somepoint, but he just did it.

I guess i just have to let it go and accept that whatever it was, something has changed and its done.

Some of it sounds like he was just telling you what you wanted to hear. If he has no kids there is still plenty of free time for him out there, he need not have been cheating, but just may have realised family life is not for him just now.

balletshoes

I feel bad for you - but he's 24. There are very few 24-year olds who have finished with the "going out and partying" especially when they don't have children of their own.

24 is very young to be taking on a family, it really is. Maybe he realised that and just can't tell you.

zoesmummy_2006

I know youre all right, and i guess he proved me right in the end too, i told him i was too old for him from the start and that i had too much baggage but he convinced me he wanted to be with me and that the kids werent an issue for him, that he was happy with us all. He'd been talking proposals over the 9 months too, just in terms of would i ever get married again, and joked that he was gonna tell my boss that we were engaged so he could come to the wedding fayre at the place i worked.

He gave me the i want us to be friends line, but i know i cant be. Right now im still in the this isnt what i wanted stage, and i love him so much still, i cant ever see myself being at the stage where im over him enough to be happy for him being with someone else. I know i need to delete him from fb etc, but i cant do it right now, hence the deactivation of my account. Ive put all my pics of him in a hidden folder on my phone and deleted him as my screen saver and us as my lock screen. I told him to delete me and my number etc to make it easier and he says he doesnt want to. Luckily he lives about half hour away from me so i dont have to worry about bumping into him.

thanks for the replies and honesty guys, i know ill be ok, it just hurts and doesnt make sense right now. but its done, and even if he did change his mind it wouldnt work now

System

balletshoes wrote: »

I feel bad for you - but he's 24. There are very few 24-year olds who have finished with the "going out and partying" especially when they don't have children of their own.

24 is very young to be taking on a family, it really is. Maybe he realised that and just can't tell you.

My ex was the same age (I'm 28), and although he wasn't one for going out etc, he also really didn't want to settle down (at least not with me). we were just at different stages in life even though at the time he said it was no issue.