Dumped out the blue....

double_mummy

lol im only 26 and im finding a real struggle to find men around my age who are truely are okay with the 2 kids settling down thing im think of aiming at mid 40s they might get on better with my dad as well lol

FBaby

My take on this is that he realised that you'd reached the point where things were getting very serious and that it was either time to commit fully or move on. His love for you made him want to commit hence all the words of love and plans together but there was also the alarms bell with your insecurities that made him worried that you would suffocate him and moving with you would be the ends of any freedom. He might have been pondering on this for some time and your behaviour that night confirmed his fears. Is a real pity as I'm guessing that your would probably have relaxed and felt more secured once he moved in but he wouldn't hedge known that. He had to make a decision now rather than doing so one he'd moved in.

bagpussbear

I'm really sorry OP, hugs to you.

My first thoughts were also that he got off with someone during the night too. Sounds like he had too much to drink, something happened, which has made him even more confused about what he wants given he has been feeling unsure about the relationship over the last few weeks.

It would certainly explain all the sorry's and the tears. But it's possible you'll never know if that happened or it didn't.

I really feel for you, sounds like there is a lot of love there between you, but you are at different stages in your lives, that he feels (possibly) that it's incompatible.

fishybusiness

And last night I text him asking him why he never wants to go out and get drunk with me, like he was doing with his friends and why as soon as they showed up he didnt text me anymore despite saying he wanted to talk to me. I know, i sound pathetic and needy, and i regretted it instantly, i'd had a couple of drinks which hadnt helped. But we very rarely went out, was always just in at mine watching films, i wanted to cut loose and have some fun just me and him sometimes. And i was a little upset that I hadnt been invited to the bbq with him, his mate having it knows me, has met me, and apparently asked where i was when he got there, but bf said he didnt think id been invited, apparently his mate just assumed he'd bring me, so crossed wires there.

There are a couple of clues here that things were not ok, you have mentioned the you and him not going out together, and earlier you mentioned he does go out the the pub - so he's made a choice who he goes out with. Partners do like to go out together, even if is to the cinema, for a meal, or to the pub.

BBQ - reading all of your background together, my take is that he chose to not invite you, again partners do tend to go together, its part of the fun of being together.

I don't think it was out of the blue for him, my guess it had been building up and his night out pushed him over the edge somehow.

Pollycat

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

Well I must have dozed off, I woke at 1.40 and realised he hadnt called me and was worried so tried to call him. Straight to voicemail. Everytime I called. Ok i maybe did go a little overboard but I was worried, he'd not been well the last few days and I was worried incase he'd been taken ill again.

Then he said he couldnt be with me cos of my insecurity, that he'd been in relationships like that before and he wasnt going to do it again.

And i have had moments where I'd ask him if he promised when he said he loved me, i know it drove him mad but he always said he did and wouldnt say it if he didnt, and i was getting better with it.

And last night I text him asking him why he never wants to go out and get drunk with me, like he was doing with his friends and why as soon as they showed up he didnt text me anymore despite saying he wanted to talk to me. I know, i sound pathetic and needy, and i regretted it instantly, i'd had a couple of drinks which hadnt helped. But we very rarely went out, was always just in at mine watching films, i wanted to cut loose and have some fun just me and him sometimes. And i was a little upset that I hadnt been invited to the bbq with him, his mate having it knows me, has met me, and apparently asked where i was when he got there, but bf said he didnt think id been invited, apparently his mate just assumed he'd bring me, so crossed wires there.

The bits in bold stand out to me, especially where he said he'd been in relationships ruined by insecurity and wasn't going to do it again.

I think, sadly, you've frightened him off.
If you rang him loads of times and he checked his voicemail and it was clogged up with calls from you, ever increasing in panic, maybe it just hit home for him how insecure you are.
Maybe an older guy would have dealt with things better, who knows?

I really feel for you but you are doing the right thing by not 'stalking' him through FB and not trying to get in touch with him.

zoesmummy_2006

Feeling surprisingly ok this morning, not as sad as i did yesterday. I slept ok considering i was alone in what he called 'our ' bed and spent most of the night on his side as the fans over there lol.

The thing with the insecurity worked both ways, he used to tell me not to pull the photographers/guests when i was working at weddings (he knows i did once, but that was before him) and when i went out for my birthday last year with my friends he wanted me to cancel my plans and spend the night in with him, but i refused, and my christmas do he was worried about me and other men-but he never had any reason to be cos from the second i realised i fancied him (it wasnt an instant thing, i didnt think he was my type to begin with) i literally only had eyes for him. I got hit on at a wedding a few weeks ago and turned the guy down because i only wanted my bf. I knew how he had been hurt in the past and how most of his exes had cheated on him and im not that sort of person, plus i would never have hurt him like that.

I did have a reason to be slightly insecure, he had a friend with benefits before me, a while before me apparently, but she text him in the early hours on the morn asking him to go pick her and her mate up as they were so drunk a taxi wouldnt take them, this was while he was on the phone to me, and he went. He also then took her to ikea to get a new mattress for her bed, and he couldnt understand why i wasnt happy about it, she had her own boyfriend and i couldnt understand why he didnt take her, why my boyfriend jumped as soon as she asked. He also used to use snapchat a lot, and all his friends on there were girls, exes generally, which i didnt like. Im not an idiot, i know what some folks use snapchat to send. He always hid his from me, would never open them in front of me. He saw every one i got, i hid nothing from him.

And i was slightly unhappy in that in the 9 months we were together i met his friends twice and that was it. He'd be here with me, go off to play skittles/pool for the team wherever they were playing, and then come back to mine, never asked me to go with him. Id met his parents lots, and his brothers a few times, he'd signed my name on his mums birthday card last week and taken me to see her and give her her present with him. I know they all liked me and didnt have a problem with me being with their son and being older with kids, they included the kids in any invites to things, as did his friend who had the bbq. He never took us, and it was starting to grate on me that while he was happy to do stuff with the kids at home, he never wanted to go out with us, wouldnt come with me to get my girl from her disco, said he wanted to take the kids out to mac d's for tea then changed his mind, and kept saying he hadnt had time to do much with them recently-but he would just sit watching tv when he was here, i asked him to come help us bake or play out front and he was always too tired/just watching something. he knew it was bothering me and would just say he was sorry and i let it just carry on.

I guess it just wasnt right, he was too young and he wasnt ready no matter how much he said he wanted to be with me and loved me. I still love him like you wouldnt believe, thats not just going to go away, but i will be ok.

VfM4meplse

Like others, I think your ex had a skinful and ended up with someone else, even if it was fleeting.

I also think that mature or not, this 24yo realised the life he was missing out on. This may have been because of the influence of his friends, signalling that he's not that mature, he's just like any other 24yo male.

Glad that you are more positive about it now. It was a nice 9 months, write it off and move on now.

zoesmummy_2006

fishybusiness wrote: »

There are a couple of clues here that things were not ok, you have mentioned the you and him not going out together, and earlier you mentioned he does go out the the pub - so he's made a choice who he goes out with. Partners do like to go out together, even if is to the cinema, for a meal, or to the pub.

BBQ - reading all of your background together, my take is that he chose to not invite you, again partners do tend to go together, its part of the fun of being together.

I don't think it was out of the blue for him, my guess it had been building up and his night out pushed him over the edge somehow.

Dont get me wrong, we did go out occasionally, we hadnt been to the cinema in a few months, but we'd go out to wetherspoons for meals occasionally and other pubs too. But he had his life back home where he'd go to the pub every night he wasnt with me, yet he'd be calling and texting me from the pub telling me he wished he was with me. his skittles/pool nights he was part of a team so went to different places to play, but like i say i was never invited along, even when he'd leave my house to go play to then come back here. He took me to skittles once when it was local to me and i got on really well with all his friends.

zoesmummy_2006

Pollycat wrote: »

The bits in bold stand out to me, especially where he said he'd been in relationships ruined by insecurity and wasn't going to do it again.

I think, sadly, you've frightened him off.
If you rang him loads of times and he checked his voicemail and it was clogged up with calls from you, ever increasing in panic, maybe it just hit home for him how insecure you are.
Maybe an older guy would have dealt with things better, who knows?

I really feel for you but you are doing the right thing by not 'stalking' him through FB and not trying to get in touch with him.

I rang him but didnt leave voicemails, and i only text him the once asking him to let me know he was ok and that i was worried. I do regret my actions in calling him so much, but tbh i think the outcome probably would have been the same regardless, he would have still dumped me.

I havent really missed being on fb tbh lol, and he doesnt really post a lot on there either. But i dont want to see anything from him on there yet, and its better for me to avoid it until im over him and can feel better about things.

bagpussbear

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

Feeling surprisingly ok this morning, not as sad as i did yesterday. I slept ok considering i was alone in what he called 'our ' bed and spent most of the night on his side as the fans over there lol.

The thing with the insecurity worked both ways, he used to tell me not to pull the photographers/guests when i was working at weddings (he knows i did once, but that was before him) and when i went out for my birthday last year with my friends he wanted me to cancel my plans and spend the night in with him, but i refused, and my christmas do he was worried about me and other men-but he never had any reason to be cos from the second i realised i fancied him (it wasnt an instant thing, i didnt think he was my type to begin with) i literally only had eyes for him. I got hit on at a wedding a few weeks ago and turned the guy down because i only wanted my bf. I knew how he had been hurt in the past and how most of his exes had cheated on him and im not that sort of person, plus i would never have hurt him like that.

I did have a reason to be slightly insecure, he had a friend with benefits before me, a while before me apparently, but she text him in the early hours on the morn asking him to go pick her and her mate up as they were so drunk a taxi wouldnt take them, this was while he was on the phone to me, and he went. He also then took her to ikea to get a new mattress for her bed, and he couldnt understand why i wasnt happy about it, she had her own boyfriend and i couldnt understand why he didnt take her, why my boyfriend jumped as soon as she asked. He also used to use snapchat a lot, and all his friends on there were girls, exes generally, which i didnt like. Im not an idiot, i know what some folks use snapchat to send. He always hid his from me, would never open them in front of me. He saw every one i got, i hid nothing from him.

And i was slightly unhappy in that in the 9 months we were together i met his friends twice and that was it. He'd be here with me, go off to play skittles/pool for the team wherever they were playing, and then come back to mine, never asked me to go with him. Id met his parents lots, and his brothers a few times, he'd signed my name on his mums birthday card last week and taken me to see her and give her her present with him. I know they all liked me and didnt have a problem with me being with their son and being older with kids, they included the kids in any invites to things, as did his friend who had the bbq. He never took us, and it was starting to grate on me that while he was happy to do stuff with the kids at home, he never wanted to go out with us, wouldnt come with me to get my girl from her disco, said he wanted to take the kids out to mac d's for tea then changed his mind, and kept saying he hadnt had time to do much with them recently-but he would just sit watching tv when he was here, i asked him to come help us bake or play out front and he was always too tired/just watching something. he knew it was bothering me and would just say he was sorry and i let it just carry on.

I guess it just wasnt right, he was too young and he wasnt ready no matter how much he said he wanted to be with me and loved me. I still love him like you wouldnt believe, thats not just going to go away, but i will be ok.

Yep, you will be ok honey there's now place in your life for someone a little more mature, and 'right' for you.