Envy eating me up..I need to move past it

Jagraf

Envy eats you up inside. I had a very close friend when our kids were little. I originally lived in a twee cottage in a beautiful village with a baby on the way, a good job and no real understanding of money problems. I was "on track". By the time my DD was two my husband had left me for a younger model, I was going through a divorce, I had left my job and I was up to my ears in debt. I spent everyday with this friend in her big kitchen while our kids played. She had a dream life! And like you, I really enjoyed her company. But I was envious.

Eventually she moved away with her husband and children and we kept in touch for a while. Her reason for moving was that she felt no one really liked her in our village. im sure she's settled now.

Meanwhile through my own life's and downs I have made the most amazing circle of friends who truly know me well, married the love of my life who would never have ticked the right boxes years ago, and the relief if getting out of debt is like floating on air. I genuinely can't see the point of designer handbags and spending money to line someone else's pocket (but each to their own we all have different desires).

You will never have everything, you have to learn not to compare and follow your own way through life. This is the only way you will be happy. Envy is a waste of time.

duchy

I was thinking about your situation -and I do think some of this is a self esteem issue. You have made a wonderful life for yourself -a London property - and lovely family of your own and a good job but you aren't happy. I do wonder if this is less to do with your friend and what she has and more to do with your relationship with your parents and your wish that your relationship was closer and that you were still their "little girl" and they still "looked after you" the way your friend's parents do her ?
It seems to me you are the one who makes things happen , buying your house early, being more career focused and driven than your partner -and sometimes no matter how much you enjoy that role - we all like to feel "looked after" sometimes -and your friend has that in her parents. She could quit her job tomorrow and her parents would make sure she's ok finacially-they offer extended childcare at short notice. . Odds are you like your job and enjoy the status it brings and wouldn't ^want^ to quit -and feel your child should be with you when you arent working and wouldn't farm them out to grandparents for a self indulgent break alone preferring to spend precious annual leave with your child and your partner - but you'd like to think you *could* do these things -if you wanted to.

The reality is your friend is reliant to some degree on her husband for her nice home and certain lifestyle (and how stable that is if her marriage isn't happy is something to think about) whereas you sound far more secure in your relationship - Odds are her parents stay very involved because she is far more needy than you are. Your parents are more like most parents in that they are pleased and proud they've raised a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet and is confident and capable . Truth is if your parents were flapping around you the whole time you'd probably find it a bit claustrophobic and wish they'd back off a bit and let you lead your own life
Parents aren't always how we'd like them to be - My parents were older parents and I used to envy some of my friends whose parents had more modern ideas until I realized there were advantage AND disadvantages on both sides.

Make a list of the good things in your life and the advantages - and think about if you'd really give them up for a less happy family life and needing to be reliant on other people. Think about what makes you happy - and be glad it isn't a designer handbag !

If you really can't shake those feelings of inadequacy after all that and it still eats at you - maybe consider a bit of therapy to help you get past these feelings before they get any bigger and do damage ?

Errata

climbthatwallseegar wrote: »

DP and I have a beautiful child, I earn a decent wage but we cannot afford to move to a larger property. I own a small 2 bed and 3 beds around here start at 600,000k.

I read this bit and now I'm suffering from a deep sense of envy.;)

Pyxis

climbthatwallseegar wrote: »

What makes it slightly worse for me is my friend doesn't appear to realise how lucky she is. She moans constantly about how difficult her life is because there are houses a few streets away from hers where the properties are £xx million and she can't afford to move there.

Do you know, I don't think you are envious of her at all. I think that if she didn't keep moaning about these little annoyances in her life, you wouldn't bat an eyelid!
It's like if you've been in a lot of pain for weeks, and a friend has a paper-cut and keeps on and on about how painful it is and how it's stopping her doing this, that and the other, you'd eventually want to tell her to give it a a rest! It's not that you resent her good health, but that she's moaning about something that's trivial compared to your own situation!

If she didn't moan so much, I doubt you'd even think of comparing your situations, as you obviously are good friends.
There may come a time when having a gentle word with her about it may be the thing to do.

AndyBSG

wiseguy80 wrote: »

I can only say envy is a disease which never goes away. When you have all of what your friend currently have, you would be envious with someone else about something else.

This.

I grew up in a group of four friends and one of them was like this.

He has always been ridiculously jealous of anything the other three of us get to the point where he has to criticise everything to try and make himself feel better.

The irony is he has done better than any of us with expensive cars and a huge house but because of his envy the other three of us have basically slowly phased him out of our lives.

He now seems to spend all his spare time with just him and his wife rattling round in his huge house with no real friends because of his bitterness and despite his wealth I actually pity him

On the other hand the one of us is probably the least financially successful, earning little more than minimum wage, would give you the shirt off his back, go out of his way to help you and is probably the happiest out of the four of us.

All anyone can ever do is concentrate on their own happiness, it is pointless comparing your level of happiness to what you perceive other people's happiness to be.

KJBlackwood

I must say that you come across as a perfectly reasonable person and that your friend also sounds perfectly nice. You've just both been dealt a different hand in life, there are good and bad areas in both your lives. I think you should finally host a playdate at your house. I get the impression that she isn't the sort to judge you by the size of your home.

CRANKY40

I feel a bit sorry for your friend. Four days in a hotel and leaving her child with her parents....it's not the builders she's getting away from is it? You on the other hand have a husband who understands the value of family life and won't go for a more stressful job because he realises that your children will grow up fast and he would rather spend time with you all. I'd invite her round to yours if I were you and don't be surprised if she wants to visit again.....and again.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Some people are permanently resentful of what they perceive as others getting things they think they deserve more.

The OH's ex was so motivated by things and lifestyle, she grew contemptuous of him and he was eventually replaced by somebody who can give her what she thinks she is worth. And she's still not happy, not with friends, hobbies, money, holidays, a car, a job, supportive family, her looks, nothing.

I was a little envious of her when I first met him. Because, although I instantly liked him, it was obvious that he loved her very much. But she didn't appreciate it, going by the way she looked and spoke at him in public.

Now, five years later and a lot of faffing around just being friends for three years of that (so we knew we actually liked each other and enjoyed our company before any romance got in the way), he's on 15% of the income he earned when he was with her. But I get the guy who negotiated me down from a new pair of Primark shoes to 'unconditional love, support and a cup of coffee in bed tomorrow morning?' when he asked for a back massage.


Hell, me from 15 years ago would be jealous of me.

suejb2

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.......weeds will grow there as well.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

suejb2 wrote: »

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.......weeds will grow there as well.

I like my 'lawn'. Uncut for long enough to lose the cat in it, full of red and white clover, white mallow, poppies, cornflowers, itinerant foxgloves, herb Robert clumps, bumblebees and Leafcutter bees chomping through the roses.

Weeds are what makes it special.