Envy eating me up..I need to move past it

marisco_2

My advice is to try expanding your friendship circle. Mixing with as many people as you can from a variety of backgrounds makes life interesting and stimulating. If you seek happiness solely via wishing you had this and that on a better scale you will never find it.

Fireflyaway

You only know what she tells you and she might be bending the truth then as well! Recently a friend was saying how she envied someone we mutually know as she appeared to have it all. Nice house, 3 kids and a couple of dogs, good income etc etc. Just 2 weeks after she said that, this woman's husband left her.
I also knew of another colleague who always seemed so happy with her life ( too happy). I found out after a few years that she was actually being abused by her husband.
Just because someone seems to have it all they might not. Even if they do - don't compare. Concentrate on doing the best for you. There is more to life than a big house, money and flashy handbags! You can't put a price on your child and the baby on the way. Only you can be their mum. How amazing is that? Are you healthy? That's pretty cool if you are. How about your husband? Do you get on OK? A lot of people don't. be happy with hat you have because jealously will only make you miserable. Also as a friend, are you not happy that your friend is happy?

catkins

I am not normally a person who envies others but every so often I might get a little bit jealous of someone (we are only human after all).


On the surface your friend seems to have a great life but she doesn't sound that happy if she is moaning about not being able to move. Also I don't think you mentioned a husband or partner - does she have one? If not maybe she envies you that you have a partner and the fact that you are having another child together. If she does have a partner it could be that they are not as happy as you and your partner.

good_advice

I like to watch the house programs on tv.Those large houses often make me think of all the dust and cleaning. Some will pay a cleaner to come in.
L arge gardens take lots of tending to.
now don,t get me started on gas/electric costs....
Nope, people can keep them. I do not want the hassle.

FBaby

You are good friends, so why can't you just tell her? There is no shame in experiencing envy, it's letting it eat you inside that is bad. I bet you if you tell her, she'll tell you that she envies that or that of yours. You can then have a good laugh about it, and hopefully it will make her more careful about some of the things she says.

climbthatwallseegar

Thank you all..I know I need to get some perspective.

She doesn't talk about her possessions a lot, it's really just throwaway comments ("So tired as spent the day trailing around in Harvey Nicks yesterday buying a new bag...anyway, did you see that programme last last..?") and after the conversation the only thing I will remember is that she spent the day at Harvey Nicks buying a bag.

I don't even have an interest in designer bags !!!!!!!

When we meet we really spend 90% of the time talking about other things but then a chance remark will remind me that she is a zillion times better off than me. A lot of the time it doesn't bother me, it kind of depends on the mood I'm in I suppose. There are days when I really am "woe is me" and other days I feel very lucky to live in a nice flat close to central London. I know all her stuff doesn't bring her happiness as she's told me this herself, her marriage is unhappy and she argues with her sister a lot. She panics and has anxiety. She had a clearout recently and gave away loads of expensive stuff to charity and observed that acquiring all these things was a little bit pointless.

I do have a wide circle of friends from different backgrounds. She is one of a group of friends who I've known for many years. Most of my friends are from a similar economic background to mine or if they are well off they have worked really hard to get there. I think she's the only seriously wealthy person I'm good friends with.

duchy - Some good points. I don't think I 'deserve' money from my parents as such but I suppose I think it would be nice if they were more supportive. I feel sad they haven't taken an interest and when I see how close my friend is to her parents it reminds me how little they appear to care.

I'm honestly not always a resentful person, I'm usually happy for my friends when they do well because if they get a great job or have some other kind of success I tend to feel inspired in a "well I could do that as well" kind of way. I don't feel like that about this particular friend because short of winning the lottery and discovering I'm adopted and actually have loving parents out there somewhere I won't be able to get to where she is.

I'm so embarrased to say this but she hasn't been to my flat and that is mostly my doing as I feel so inferior. When we were both on mat leave she suggested we alternated play dates at her place than mine. When it was my turn I fabricated stuff like a leak in the bathroom or said that I needed a 'change of scenery' and didn't want to stay at home so we met at hers again. My entire flat is the size of one part of her house (slight exaggeration but it feels that way). She saw pictures of it when I first moved in as it is a new build actually said how nice it looked but I can't help comparing. Now we tend to meet for brunch in cafes anyway.


She told me she envies me professionally because I'm doing well at work and she isn't. But even that was bittersweet because the caveat is her dad has told her if she is miserable she should resign and he will help her out financially which is a position I'll never be in! To be fair she doesn't want to do this as she doesn't want to be reliant on him.


If I think about it, the only things I'm truly envious of are her house and her close relationship with her parents. Not the actual house itself but the fact that she has a property big enough for her family while I feel a bit stuck in the small 2 bed and feel I should have been savvy enough to updrade by now. I bought the flat long before I met DP and had DD. In the last couple of years I've become a bit obsessed about moving as I want to give my children the opportunity to live in an actual house with a garden (this is the kind of house I grew up in) and I feel sad that right now we are not in position to do this. DP thinks the flat is fine. He has had the opportunity to go for jobs with a much higher salary that would help us move but has decided life is for living, not working and won't budge on this. I'm not going to try and force him into a move that will make him unhappy but it upsets me as I can't see a way out.

I totally get that if I had a bigger house I'd probably find something or someone else to envy. I need to work on gratitude for what I have.

She has suggested we take both our kids to Legoland as their birthdays are close together and she is going to drive, pick me up and organise booking the tickets and hotel etc as I've had a bit of a rough couple of weeks with my pregnancy. It's times like this I feel awful for envying/resenting her because she can be very thoughtful.

Pyxis

Well, there you are! She does envy you!

You have a loving husband who puts family life before a better-paid job that would make him stressed and perhaps see less of his children as they grow up!
Your children will value that, believe me, as they will have happy memories of a happy childhood with both parents, something that no amount of bigger house or flashy toys will give them!

And she sees that. Help her through her unhappy time. Invite her to your flat. Don't be ashamed of it........it's a loving home! Welcome her into it! She was there in your bad times. Now it's your turn to be there for her In her 'bad time'.

pinkshoes

At least you can be proud that you have got where you are with no help.

Your friend probably realises that she would have no where near what you have if she had gone it alone without financial help.

From the 'other' perspective, when I chat to people and they ask where I live, I just give the road name. Most the houses are ex local 3 bed semis. I have had a couple of people treat me really differently when they discovered I live in one of the large 4 bed detached houses at the very end. I am still the same person, so it quite annoying for them to suddenly treat me differently.

pollypenny

I hope the vent has helped you, OP. However irrational, envy can creep in when we are struggling and are faced with others for whom money is nothing.

Actually your friend sounds spoiled! Four days at a spa while her mother looks after her two year old!

enthusiasticsaver

Is this envy a London thing I wonder? I was born and brought up in the London area and we married there but moved down to the West Country almost 30 years ago now. None of my friends down here talk about money or houses even though we come from a variety of economic circumstances but I know a lot of now former friends and even my sister who all live in London seem to talk an awful lot about what school their children go to, where they live and how much their house is worth or the cars they drive. I just find it a bit sad how shallow all of that is. Incidentally there is also a difference in how our children behaved as they grew older. Even though my niece and nephew are lovely they both were continually hankering after designer clothes etc and wondered why their house was smaller than some of their friends whereas my daughters never seemed to have to deal with peer pressure and remained children for much longer and less streetwise.


You have a supportive partner, a job you enjoy, almost 2 healthy children and if you chose to you could move further out (as we did) to get a bigger house if need be. Envy is a destructive emotion and as Duchy said it may be hurtful for your partner if he hears you comparing your lifestyle with your friends. She does not sound at all happy IMO in spite of supportive parents and a comfortable lifestyle. She would probably have your happy marriage. Also do not feel ashamed of your place, have her round and ignore the trappings. They do not make relationships.