Envy eating me up..I need to move past it

climbthatwallseegar

Yesterday I went to visit a good friend. We both have 2 year olds and regularly meet up for play dates etc. She lives in a large house in a desirable part of London which she bought with a hefty deposit from her wealthy parents. We sat in her huge kitchen and she complained about the fact that the builders who are extending her loft are making such a terrible noise that she has decided to go and spend a week at a spa hotel to just relax and get away from it all. Her mother is looking after her son and in fact looks after him 4 days a week. She went on to tell me about the inheritance she has just received from her grandfather and she is deliberating how to spend it. None of this was done in a boastful manner, she told me in a matter of fact voice in much the same way as when she tells me about the designer bag her mum randomly bought for her the other week or the new car she is having delivered. She is genuinely a really nice person who has helped me out a lot over the years (not financially but in other more important ways).

The thing is I'm struggling to get past the envy. It's not like my life is terrible. DP and I have a beautiful child, I earn a decent wage but we cannot afford to move to a larger property. I own a small 2 bed and 3 beds around here start at 600,000k. We have another DC on the way so it is going to be an issue in a few years. My parents live 20 mins away but unlike my friend's lovely mum and dad they offer me zero support. They have seen their grandchild 4 times since she was born. My mum has said she would be happy to babysit once DD is 4 or 5 years old because she doesn't really 'do babies'. This is from a former midwife.

Ironically my dad inherited a very large sum of money recently from a relative (a sister he always hated!) and offered me..£20. I'm not saying he should just hand out money but I would be grateful for even a small loan which would enable us to cobble together a deposit on a place outside of London. They are both mortgage free, retired and have a large disposible income through generous private pensions. But it's their money and I know I have no right to expect a loan. They've worked hard for many years.

What makes it slightly worse for me is my friend doesn't appear to realise how lucky she is. She moans constantly about how difficult her life is because there are houses a few streets away from hers where the properties are £xx million and she can't afford to move there.

I went home yesterday and sat in my small front room feeling really despondent. I feel ridiculous as I know I have a lot to be grateful for. We just had a healthy 20 week scan for DC no. 2 whilst another friend is currently watching her newborn in intensive care with heart problems. I know I need to get a grip. DP says just stop seeing her if she makes you feel bitter but I really like her, love her son and how mean spirited would it be to cut her off because I think her life is better than mine?! She has v few close friends and often tells me I am closer to her than her own sister.

Anyway. I guess I don't need advice as I know what it will be but just wanted to get it all out.

fairy_lights

climbthatwallseegar wrote: »

DP says just stop seeing her if she makes you feel bitter but I really like her, love her son and how mean spirited would it be to cut her off because I think her life is better than mine?! She has v few close friends and often tells me I am closer to her than her own sister.

Well there you go. Her life is not perfect, despite all her beautiful material things. Loneliness can be a horrible thing, maybe she envies your busier social life or the fact that you've got a second child on the way.
It's easy to be jealous of people who have what you want, but you need to stop and take a look at what you do have sometimes.
I disagree with your husband about stopping seeing her, It sounds like you do care about each other a lot and have a good friendship so it would be a shame to lose that because of temporary jealousy.

Pennysmakepounds

It's hard sometimes seeing other with more than you do.

Unfortunately, there is always going to be someone who has more than you.

Look past that and enjoy your friendship. J

wiseguy80

I can only say envy is a disease which never goes away. When you have all of what your friend currently have, you would be envious with someone else about something else.

I say it because I have been suffering from it myself. From time and time again, whenever one of my friends got something or did something well for himself I felt why didn't I get it. It's only off late that I realise how unhappy I have been for just this own reason.

Count your blessings, look after your child and be merry.

Mojisola

climbthatwallseegar wrote: »

What makes it slightly worse for me is my friend doesn't appear to realise how lucky she is. She moans constantly about how difficult her life is because there are houses a few streets away from hers where the properties are £xx million and she can't afford to move there.

fairy_lights wrote: »

Well there you go. Her life is not perfect, despite all her beautiful material things.

Not only is she lonely but her material possessions don't give her pleasure, either.

I'd be feeling sad for her, rather than envying her.

If she won £10m, she'd probably still be unhappy, comparing herself with people who had more money than that.

duchy

Maybe you could do more "doing" stuff together - eg it's summer a picnic with the kids in the park (sarnies from M&S not a Fortnums hamper tho )

Do you always go to hers ? Maybe spend more time at yours so you don't feel everything she has is in your face .

Frankly though she sounds completely self absorbed.
I have wealthier friends and they wouldn't dream of twittering on about money or what possessions they have -or how living in their one million pound house is so hard and how they want a 2 million one. We never stop talking and designer handbags and property prices or money never come up- there's so many more interesting things to talk about .

You both have babies -and a history of friendship - does she really talk a lot about these things or do you only remember these topics because you are a bit jealous ? You may have a partner who spends more time with the family whereas her husband is more work focused and she envies you that-who knows !

If all you do is moan about her and are disatisfied with your life when you come home from visiting her maybe your OH has a point. He no doubt works hard to give you the nice life and security you both have -and all you do is complain it isn't enough after seeing her. Must make him feel really great ! You do sound a bit money obsessed - going on about "I own a 2 bed" not "we own" which would be more normal in a nearly two children family as well as your parent's inheritance which you clearly resent.

Parents and a partner you both feel aren't giving you the lifestyle you "deserve" Maybe time to take a step back and work out why you are so resentful of both friends and family before it damages those relationships ?

Starrystarrynight1

I'm concerned this might sound a bit harsh, but her behaviour may be part of the reason why she has very few friends. It's very hard to deal with, especially when she apparently doesn't have much to moan about. I'm inclined to agree with your hubby, or maybe limit the time you spend with her.

Many years ago, I was friends with a girl who was great some of the time, but the rest of it was a case of no matter what I said/did/bought, she had always said something funnier, had done something more exciting or had bought something more expensive; a show off, I guess. I ended up feeling very small and sometimes like I was just kept around to admire her achievements etc, and this very much eclipsed the good times we'd spent together. She probably didn't realise how boastfully she came across, and I tried everything I could to ignore it, turn the conversations in another direction, not talk about what I'd been up to, wonder about why she might have turned out like that, wonder why I coudn't deal with it, why she felt the need to 'go one better' etc, but I ended up feeling so bad about myself that I couldn't stay in contact with her.

If you've tried to point out the positives to your friend, like how great and useful the loft extension will be once it's done etc, and she doesn't seem to respond to that, it does seem likely that she's lonely and maybe a little depressed.

Pyxis

climbthatwallseegar wrote: »

She has v few close friends and often tells me I am closer to her than her own sister.

I think this is the crux of the matter.

She isn't happy, and for whatever reason, either doesn't make friends or drives them away.
She's almost driving you away........perhaps for the same reason.

People whose sole topic of conversation is material things/purchases/stuff/what they've just been given/what they've just bought are downright boring. Plus, she sounds very insensitive, as she must know that your situation isn't the same as hers.

I once knew someone who, everytime I saw her, asked me the price of things I had. Eg. "That's nice, how much was it?". I was a lot worse off than her, but her only interest in the thing was its price. It got extremely wearing.

It might be a good idea, as Duchy says, to have her over to yours more, and keep steering the conversation away from the dissatisfaction with life things. And go on more outings with the children so that the conversation is more about the things you are doing rather than the things she has/doesn't have.

Is her marriage sound? It does sound like there's some deep unhappiness there somewhere.

lynsayjane

I'm almost on the other side of this and have a similar problem.
I have my own house/car/reasonable job (though not on the scale of your friend) but I'd be envious of you having someone to share the things you do have with and the opportunity to be a mother.
As most of my friends are married and have kids if I try to speak to them of feeling lonely I just get told to be thankful I have peace and quiet and a higher disposable income so feel worse having no one to talk with.
Everyone is envious of others for one thing or another, you need to accept that while you want some things she has there are probably things you have she would like. While I think she's crass to talk about these things I think you need to stop obsessing about it.

Rachylou1981

Sadly money doesn't buy happiness so no matter how much your friend's life may sound fantastic and you think she should be grateful, that doesn't mean that she will think the same. She could be really unhappy for all you know and just keeps quiet because she knows people will say "What have you got to be unhappy about?" but that's only because they see the £££ and think that will mean someone can't possibly be sad.

She could be envious of you for all you know, your pregnancy, your friends, your looks - anything!

I think we all get envious of our friends from time to time. I certainly have felt it from friends before and I have felt envious of them. You get over it and realise that life is too short for worrying about what you have or have not got and someone always has it worse.

If you like her and she has been there for you then I wouldn't stop seeing her as you don't get many close friends in life who are there for the long haul. Obviously try to learn to deal with your feelings better and don't relay it all to your husband as it will make him feel inadequate and angry, which is the main problem I see here.

BigAunty

Comparisons are really corrosive.

I don't know what to say to make you be able to stop those virtually automatic thoughts where those that you perceive to have more than you have get your attention while those with less don't leave such an impression.

Some people truly manage to count their blessings and are grateful for what they have and some people are glass half empty/grass is greener types.

Admitting the envy you feel, its impact and the way you compare your life with hers, is probably a really good step to help eradicate it. Good luck.