Envy eating me up..I need to move past it

PlutoinCapricorn

This reminded me of something, and after some thought I remembered what it was. "Good Wives" by Louisa May Alcott is very dated, but it has a very similar scenario: Meg can't help envying her rich friend, although Meg has more domestic happiness:

"In the autumn, new trials and experiences came to Meg. Sallie Moffat renewed her friendship, was always running out for a dish of gossip at the little house, or inviting `that poor dear' to come in and spend the day at the big house. It was pleasant, for in dull weather Meg often felt lonely. All were busy at home, John absent till night, and nothing to do but sew, or read, or potter about. So it naturally fell out that Meg got into the way of gadding and gossiping with her friend. Seeing Sallie's pretty things made her long for such, and pity herself because she had not got them. Sallie was very kind, and often offered her the coveted trifles, but Meg declined them, knowing that John wouldn't like it, and then this foolish little woman went and did what John disliked even worse."

You can find the full text online. I am sure there is a bit somewhere when the rich but unhappy woman looks around Meg's humble home as if seeking clues to her happiness.

PlutoinCapricorn

I have always envied people with strong nervous systems, the sort who can confront evildoers so make good prosecutors. I also envy people with lots of energy. Most of all, I envy people whose parents were even halfway decent. This doesn't leave much room for envy for things that can be bought!

PlutoinCapricorn

Found it:

"and everyone found the little house a cheerful place, full of happiness, content, and family love. Even Sallie Moffatt liked to go there. "It is always so quiet and pleasant here, it does me good, Meg," she used to say, looking about her with wistful eyes, as if trying to discover the charm, that she might use it in her great house, full of splendid loneliness, for there were no riotous, sunny-faced babies there, and Ned lived in a world of lis own, where there was no place for her."

PlutoinCapricorn

good_advice wrote: »

I like to watch the house programs on tv.Those large houses often make me think of all the dust and cleaning. Some will pay a cleaner to come in.
L arge gardens take lots of tending to.
now don,t get me started on gas/electric costs....
Nope, people can keep them. I do not want the hassle.

I am very happy with my little studio flat. Maintenance effort and costs are low. I tell people I have not got much room so can't really do proper entertaining. I don't care what sort of homes other people have, as mine is perfect for me.

I admit to envying people such as Sir Isaac Newton, people with much more brain power than I have. I also envy people who got a really good, suitable education. As for people who had horses in their live from an early age... I am so jealous!

Gigglepig

OP it is great that you recognise and work on the feelings of envy. It might be difficult at times to see your friend being a lot better off, but would it not be sad to only have friends who were worse off than you in every regard?

Counting_Pennies_2

I think you are brilliant for recognising your envy and also that you don't like that trait in yourself and you love being her friend.


Envy is natural, we always want to better ourselves.


What isn't natural is turning on the person and ignoring them or being horrid.


It is brilliant that you don't do that, and that you have recognised that.


When our fortunes turned slightly and my husband started to earn more and we have bought a bigger house, and have the opportunity to do other things in our lives, I have found some 'friends' have become nasty and turned on us, to the point we have been excluded from invites etc. It is very sad this has happened, but through this tough time, my true friends came through and I am now happier with the true friends I have.


Do continue being her friend. It sounds like you both need some of what the other is getting. You have a lovely husband and family, she has family support and money, between you both you have the recipe for a good friendship

SuzieSue

So she's got all this money but her marriage is unhappy. Would you really swap places with her?

1886

OP, just try and focus on what you DO have and not what you don't have

There's a lot of people in this world who would love to be in your position. A loving family and your own place to call home.

It's natural to be envious of what other people have but if you try and focus on yourself and how lucky you actually are you'll see your envy gradually lessen

duchy

climbthatwallseegar wrote: »

Thank you all..I know I need to get some perspective.


I'm so embarrased to say this but she hasn't been to my flat and that is mostly my doing as I feel so inferior. When we were both on mat leave she suggested we alternated play dates at her place than mine. When it was my turn I fabricated stuff like a leak in the bathroom or said that I needed a 'change of scenery' and didn't want to stay at home so we met at hers again. My entire flat is the size of one part of her house (slight exaggeration but it feels that way). She saw pictures of it when I first moved in as it is a new build actually said how nice it looked but I can't help comparing. Now we tend to meet for brunch in cafes anyway.

I had a feeling that might be the case. Coming to yours might remind her that although you are her equal in every way that matters -you aren't rolling in it like she is - and she might shut up about handbags


She told me she envies me professionally because I'm doing well at work and she isn't. But even that was bittersweet because the caveat is her dad has told her if she is miserable she should resign and he will help her out financially which is a position I'll never be in! To be fair she doesn't want to do this as she doesn't want to be reliant on him.

and truth is neither would you - not really. You are clearly and rightly proud of what you have achieved and woudn't dream of giving it up and having an allowance ( although you'd like your parents to be the kind of parents who offered it- even though you- like your friend- would never accept)


If I think about it, the only things I'm truly envious of are her house and her close relationship with her parents.
I totally get that if I had a bigger house I'd probably find something or someone else to envy. I need to work on gratitude for what I have.

And if you asked her she'd probably say she'd like aspects of your life-like a better relationship and a more fufilling job

She has suggested we take both our kids to Legoland as their birthdays are close together and she is going to drive, pick me up and organise booking the tickets and hotel etc as I've had a bit of a rough couple of weeks with my pregnancy. It's times like this I feel awful for envying/resenting her because she can be very thoughtful.

Sounds like a nice trip -enjoy !

chazsucks

I think a lot of people envy others for different reasons...

You sound similar to me, my friend doesn't have her own place but lives with her parents. She pays them nothing (their idea). She and her husband work part time and ... they save around 2 grand a month for a house deposit, go on lovely holidays, buy whatever they want. Her parents look after her children and pick them up / drop them off from school etc. I am envious that she can save money and buy a nice house whenever she wants. I'm envious that she has family that obviously care about her more than anything else in the world whereas my parents have passed away and me and my OH don't have any other family. I'm envious that she has childcare whenever she needs it!

On the other hand she has told me she's envious that I have my own house / don't live with my parents and the relationship I have with my partner.

It can be so, so hard and your friend doesn't sound like she's doing it on purpose. I would definitely 'count your blessings' LITERALLY. Like keep a gratitude journal, just write down a couple of things every night what you are thankful for, things that other people (her?) may envy YOU for, what things have made you happy that day etc.

And try and do stuff that doesn't remind you of the money. Your in London - take your kids to the museums together, for free! Have a picnic in the park. Or just bite the bullet and invite her to your flat, and she'll probably tell you how envious she is that you don't need to spend hours cleaning, or gardening or general maintenance. Trust me I've lived in a big house and some days you can be cleaning all day and still not be done!