I Will Be Free

hiddenshadow

Hello IWBF!

Well done for making such big strides, and making such a big shift in your financial life. It can be so easy to coast along, and having to really think about things and prioritise is a big mindset change (albeit a worthwhile one).

Good luck on the relationship front - I was the debt-free one (though I've done stupid things with money in the past and had my DFW journey a few years ago). DH finally told me about his debt when we were engaged, and while it was disappointing (I'd been under the impression that he had a small amount of savings rather than debt), it wasn't a huge deal. He was happy to take on my suggestions (transfer to a 0% card, sign up for regular savers to get the amount saved up before the 0% period ended), and we paid it off entirely a couple of months ago. So you might be surprised about how your fella reacts, especially as you're facing things head-on with a plan (which makes things much less dire!). As you're not financially connected it's none of his business, though.

IWillBeFree

Hey hiddneshadow

Your post came at a very good time as the fella has been making enquiries about my financial position which I have been , tactfully, avoiding to answer. He's not prying, as far as I can tell, but I do feel I am being 'assessed' as a suitable long term partner sometimes the way he phrases things

I am not comfortable sharing my situation at present though. If we were more serious or even engaged as you were, I could see how important it would be to be honest and open, but, as we live separately and have no plans to change that or become more serious, I think I will just keep my cards close to my chest.

It's tough some days as I am down about things and wish I could tell him what is bothering me but, it will have to stay this way, for now.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your kind words.

hiddenshadow

IWillBeFree wrote: »

Your post came at a very good time as the fella has been making enquiries about my financial position which I have been , tactfully, avoiding to answer. He's not prying, as far as I can tell, but I do feel I am being 'assessed' as a suitable long term partner sometimes the way he phrases things

Can you try and suss out what concern(s) he might have on the financial front? Perhaps in a roundabout way, e.g. "what do you think life will be like in 5 years?" and see if he's listing off sports cars or pension funds. I bought one of those "Thousand Questions to Ask Your Partner Before You Get Married" type books and the money chapter was the main useful one (we were already on the same page everywhere else, so those conversations were short!). I think I bought that book about 6 months into our relationship , which raised my mom's eyebrows a bit, but I figured better to make sure you're on the same page with big life decision-y stuff earlier rather than later.

For what it's worth, with DH I was disappointed by his debt, but not overly bothered (beyond the "positive money" > "negative money" reaction). During the course of our relationship, I'd seen that he was able to live life normally/sensibly, wasn't going crazy buying tons of stuff, never asked me for money, etc. So even though I didn't find out about his debt until we'd been together for a couple of years, he'd already shown that he was pretty financially stable, even if I would have been more DFW and wanting to pay off that debt ASAP.

It's tough some days as I am down about things and wish I could tell him what is bothering me but, it will have to stay this way, for now.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your kind words.

Thank goodness for the MSE community, we're always here to listen to/sympathise with rants/raves/etc.

peaceandfreedom

IWillBeFree wrote: »

Your post came at a very good time as the fella has been making enquiries about my financial position which I have been , tactfully, avoiding to answer. He's not prying, as far as I can tell, but I do feel I am being 'assessed' as a suitable long term partner sometimes the way he phrases things

I am not comfortable sharing my situation at present though. If we were more serious or even engaged as you were, I could see how important it would be to be honest and open, but, as we live separately and have no plans to change that or become more serious, I think I will just keep my cards close to my chest.

It's tough some days as I am down about things and wish I could tell him what is bothering me but, it will have to stay this way, for now.

IWBF, might it be better to just come clean to your man about this? Yes, you got yourself into a spot of bother but you are doing such a good job of getting yourself out of it. Perhaps if you broach this subject, explain everything including all you're doing now to put things right, he will be supportive (and impressed, like we are).

Would that not be better than hiding what's going on? You haven't asked him for money, you don't expect him to bail you out - so letting him know what's bothering you might be a huge relief on both sides.

As for being assessed as a life partner - well that works both ways, you know. His reaction if you tell him will tell YOU a lot about his suitability as a life partner .

IWillBeFree

Thank you hiddenshadow and peaceandfreedom, you both make very sensible and logical points. Your comments about "Thousand Questions to Ask Your Partner Before You Get Married" type books and 'As for being assessed as a life partner - well that works both ways, you know. His reaction if you tell him will tell YOU a lot about his suitability as a life partner ' deeply resonated with me.

I met the fella just over two years ago and although I had been in a 16 year relationship previously and then dated for a bit, I felt a very special connection with him right away. I remember thinking during our first date that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and that is not something I had felt before. My friends thought I was going mad or worse, having a mid life crisis!

During the time we have been together, we have had our ups and downs but, mostly, we are on the same page about life and all the important things, except finances. He comes from a family of savers/investors and he has done really well, he has significant savings and a paid for home. I have not had the same upbrining/life experience and my position is very different but as you kindly mentioned, I am working my booty off to improve myself and my financial worth. I won't be able to catch up with him though as no matter how hard I try, I am starting from a negative position and later in life than he did. We have talked about his position and he has been categoric that he's clear I am not after his money or anything like that. I am just not that kind of person despite the mess I am in and to be honest, I am way too in love with him to think I'd target him for anyting other than his body, heart and mind :rotfl:

I think the reason I am scared to be totally open with him is that 'what if I tell him and then he doesn't prove to be the man that I want to be with?' That will mean I was wrong and that really frightens me as I adore him. I think he will be very disappointed and concerned, but not sure about the rest of his reaction. We are so good together but I know, finances mean a lot to him, especially since a nasty divorce left him bruised years ago so it could go either way.

I will ponder on it some more.....

Love this place, I am so grateful for the support and the opportunity to discuss things that I have no where else to air

hiddenshadow

IWillBeFree wrote: »

I think the reason I am scared to be totally open with him is that 'what if I tell him and then he doesn't prove to be the man that I want to be with?' That will mean I was wrong and that really frightens me as I adore him. I think he will be very disappointed and concerned, but not sure about the rest of his reaction. We are so good together but I know, finances mean a lot to him, especially since a nasty divorce left him bruised years ago so it could go either way.

Definitely understand this, as I've had similar (non-financial) concerns in the past. Easy enough to say from an outsider's perspective, but to peaceandfreedom's point - surely better to find this out now rather than waste time (if a relationship ending counts as such)? If he's as amazing as he's seemed so far (and 2 years is a good amount of time to show steady awesomesauceness), he'll react well (or at least neutrally/not negatively) and you'll have that worry off your mind (and can give/get support from him re: financial progress/setbacks like you mentioned above).

crazy_cat_lady

I think from what you say then he would be absolutely ok about your financial situation. You can't go back and undo what happened in the past, but you're making massive inroads into sorting it out now. He knows that you aren't after his money... It's a scary thought letting out your deepest and most ashamed secrets etc. but I'm willing to bet that you are far more judgemental of yourself than he will ever be.

in_need_of_direction

When I first got together with my OH, he had major money issues that he didn't share with me for a few months. I did know there was something not right and had imagined so many scenarios that I could have been a writer. It was actually a relief when he told me it was all money related. Your OH may be going through the same thing.

IWillBeFree

Well, it is Friday at last :j:j:j:j:j

This has been one long week! Deadlines every day, lots of pressure, lots of emotions and thoughts and a hell of a lot of soul searching!

MacMillan Coffee Morning in full swing here today and I have spent £3 already - not all of it on me, I hasten to add It's nice to see everyone smilling and chatting, makes the atmosphere so much more pleasant than the way it normally is here.

I applied for a job recently and expecting to hear today. Fingers crossed but, it was a stretch to be honest. So interesting though, and better package so had to give it a go. The other job I was contacted about recently, is now open to apply but the salary is really low so I am not looking into it any more. It's not a great job anyway so no big loss there but I would have liked to work for that company/in that team.

Have had a few high spend days lately and although I'm still managing to budget OK, I am not giving myself much flexibility until the next payday - 20 days and counting! Stocked up the freezer with ready meals (made chilli and sausage casseroles and I hold no high hopes on the taste front :rotfl:), got some skin care stuff and although I've tried L'Oreal, we didn't get on so I'm back on Clarins, bought some expensive coffee which I justified by thinking that as I don't go into the coffee shops anymore, I need a better cuppa for the start of my day . I also got 'the dress' that I returned recently as it was reduced from £99 to £79 and I'm going to love wearing it - not guilt tripping myself over that

I am so disappointed I can't get another mortgage deal at the moment as that means I have to find £110 extra a month for the mortgage (had a letter telling me that so the advisor who told me £200 on the phone was wrong thankfully but still...). My forecasting including an extra £200 from the reduced mortgage to throw at the debt plus the garage rent, so overall, I am £300 down in my planning :(:( I must work harder at improving my position so I can get a deal!

I have had the last garage rent payment and I'm actively looking for another person now. Fingers crossed! I have also had £15 from a survey I did on my spending over 4 weeks - I thought that was quite poetic A friend paid me £60 that she owed me and I had dismissed it ever coming back and my dog groomer said she over charged me recently so she will give me £40 this weekend. So overall, a nice little sum to throw at the Barclaycard :T:T:T

The lodger's rent is coming in next week and that will go to the friend I owe £2,000. I need to start paying him back and get that debt cleared. Final debt payment this month, unless any of my numerous items on Gumtree/Facebook sell....

Final bit of update, I have decided to come clean to my fella. You are all right, I must get over my reservations and be honest, as we have promised to be with each other. He's asking me questions anyway and I don't want to be one of those elusive partners that half answers things and that creates suspicion, as in need of direction said. I will pick my time but it's the right thing to do and I'm the 'right thing to do' kind of person

crazy_cat_lady

Sounds like an overall positive day - more ups than downs.
Pleased that you have decided to be open with your fella - I think that it's definitely the right thing to do.
Sorry about the mortgage though. I can't get a new deal either and I'm stuck with the dreaded bad NRAM debt, so I feel your pain there.