I am in a mess and don't know what to do

ampersand

uselessnow - for many years I had CAPUK's details in my signature.

It irks me that I can't still fit them in, but you must accept that my words stand for your Life too and for you, I now place them right here again for you to read and fully act on them, before you try to think of reasons why you can't or won't.

Look at what Martin says:
Christians Against Poverty



Debt counselling agency, which specialises in helping those who are emotionally struggling too.

The religious focus is why they do it, not how they do it.
[my highlighting]

• Link: Christians Against Poverty
• Tel: 0800 328 0006 [takes you to their appointment booking service]
• Opening times: different for each bureau

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https://capuk.org/i-want-help
Check their Jubilee Mill no. too, in case you can't immediately get through on the 0800 no.
01274 - 760720

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I can also assure you you are in expert hands.

They repeat-win Sunday Times Business awards[and others] for what they do and how they do it.
Many msers will attest to this and they do not proselytise.
https://capuk.org/about-us/awards
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We get no sense of how your children are coping, living with Mum struggling day-to-day, even hour-to-hour, as you are.
This is so important for all of you, notwithstanding your refusal to confide in your OH and be open about all that is happening.
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You must seek real help: CAPUK WILL GIVE IT and it's right there, on the end of that 1st phone call. Everything will look different and become better on all fronts.
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re: 'but I need some spending money for me. A cup of coffee, a magazine, lunch out etc.' -
YOU DON'T NEED ANY OF THOSE THINGS,:) but

-you can still have them as I do[books, rather than mags - no interest to me], by using your Library, taking a Thermos/home-made cool drink/water and snack/packed munch out with you.
Have binoculars with you if you have a park or wild-life spot somewhere within a close petrol radius.

Library will also have free classes and sessions filling their notice boards.

Read, listen to Radio 4extra, spoken word tapes/cds[cheap as chips in charity shops]. Are you not a happy haunter of these?

Does your level of illness and/or mobility, allow you a bus pass, if you have services in or near your area?

Do you initiate conversations when you cross paths with strangers - even an exchanged greeting in a queue is a start.

CAPUK will provide within your means for your tiny 'budget for you'.

LISTEN to all the good advice that's already here.
It's being sick and ill with worry that reduces your capacity to act.

This will continue until you address this fact.
Posting your SOA was a courageous step. Now, take the next one.

CAPUK have real clout - you can trust them and cope....then change that user name:) because you'll want to and need to.

Please start now by telling us you'll do at least one of these things tomorrow morning.[CAP's normal working hours are 0915h>1700h.]

Hugs to you and for the children, no matter what age.

racing_blue

post #85 I posted a drastic but realistic solution to your money problem.

Of course you don't want to downsize houses (I imagine) but because you have hundreds of thousands of pounds in equity in your house, you have this option.

The reason I posted is to point out that there is at least one solution out there. Compare with it with other possible solutions, you have the power of choice and control. But don't go round in circles thinking this is insoluble because it isn't. Sometimes that mindset can make the problem seem bigger than it is. Good luck and good wishes.

[Deleted User]

meer53 wrote: »

This remark shows that you've not hit rock bottom yet. It also shows that you're probably suffering from depression, anti-depressants may help, you should go see your GP.


Earlier in the posts I already stated that I am on anti depressants. The depression is linked to my health condition and nothing can be done about it. Spoke to doctor yesterday and he confirmed this

racing_blue wrote: »

post #85 I posted a drastic but realistic solution to your money problem.

Of course you don't want to downsize houses (I imagine) but because you have hundreds of thousands of pounds in equity in your house, you have this option.


As I stated earlier, I do not have this option.


I just have to carry on regardless. Was looking for every day advice on small changes.

meer53

There's lots of advice in the thread, it's up to you whether you take it. Having lived with a husband who kept things from me, my advice, as before, is to come clean with your OH. Deceit will kill your relationship stone dead, because he will find out.

ampersand

op - 'Was looking for every day advice on small changes.'
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In your situation this amounts to scab-picking and makes nothing better.

'Little steps, little steps' is a sound motif only when you are facing a problem scenario full-on. Otherwise, it's mere tinkering around the edges.

Your depression and state of marriage, as described by you, are not fertile ground for improvement.

'Spoke to doctor yesterday and he confirmed this' - but is Dr fully informed as to your indebtedness? It sounds unlikely.

op - you are not hearing what you want to hear, but that does not alter the situation and the commonsense good advice you are receiving from posters whose help you seek.

Still no mention of the effects of all this on the children either. You can't truly believe they're insensible to it all? - with you curling into the bin-liner of depression as your sole no-spend cure-all, or with fights and rows when Daddy does return home from working away.
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Phone CAP now. The paralysis of inactivity is another deadly enemy.

[Deleted User]

What children??? We have no children

Doctor knows my health condition and said it will never change. He knows homelife but can not pass comment on that

I will just keep slogging on

Thanks for all your advice everyone

Anoneemoose

I have followed this thread with interest and agree that you have been given some good advice, the truth is though, it isn't what you want to hear (and I understand why).

You don't really have much wriggle room for small changes that will make much of a difference. Unfortunately, if you can't/won't tell your husband, you have to face that you are going to be in this situation for a very long time.

I get you're depressed and ill and I'm not for one minute saying that you should leave your marriage. However, I do imagine that the burden of carrying this around for however long it will take you to pay off, is going to exacerbate any illness you have. I think you owe it to yourself and your husband to be truthful. You say you can't, and again, I get why that might be difficult, but in my (and other's) opinions, it really is the only way to move forward. If you don't, as I say, you're going to be stuck for a long time. It sounds drastic but if you think it would spell the end of the relationship, then maybe it's for the best.

ampersand

Apologies re: children. Figs initially showed 2, prob. a typo.

op - we are all posting because we care and 'He knows homelife ' is NOT an answer to 'but is Dr fully informed as to your indebtedness? '.

Separate animals.
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Doesn't alter the rest though, as Anoneemouse is the most recent to attest.

op - I repeat, these things are posted by people caring, whether or not it's the sort of caring you wanted to read.

...and I have managed to reinstate CAP in my signature. Please ring them now.

WillyWonga

Its hard, hard, very hard, been there done that. It's hard controlling spending with depression. Its about looking what you have got and adjusting things for a time. True, this aint going to be no quick fix, at best will take 2/3 years. There will be moments of why??? and moments of whoopee....

Top tips:

On prescriptions more than 2 a month - you can get prepayment cert from NHS for £10 month direct debit covering unlimited prescriptions.

If claiming ESA and DLA apply to energy supplier for Winter Fuel grant (not just for elderly!!!) - worth about £140 which comes off your elec bill Feb/March. Ideal when Xmas Elec bill due in. Check on their website.

Is DLA high rate mobility?? If so car can be provided with insurance/servicing free.

If not ditch your car and apply for a mobility bus pass and get free travel.

Look at your shopping bill - try to shop smarter. Aim for days of £0 spend. Eg my Aldi reduces fresh produce/meat which expires the next day in the morning before at 50% off. Often I go in and fill up the freezer, had quite a few bargain joints too.

Keep yourself occupied, rather than using Ebay / Amazon on your phone use apps like checkoutsmart and shopitize - ie get free food or discounts on many others.

Use Ebay to your benefit - sell unwanted items and leave the money in paypal. Then whatever you want to but comes out of that and doesnt touch your bank balance.

Join Consumer Pulse - get vouchers for surveys.

Most important make Friday a treat day, only one day, treat yourself to a coffee or a cake. But be warned once you get into the swing of money saving it will go through you to pay the prices!!!!

Good luck

[Deleted User]

Top tips:

On prescriptions more than 2 a month - you can get prepayment cert from NHS for £10 month direct debit covering unlimited prescriptions. It is for one 12 month card for OH and a few prescriptions for me. Doctor gives me 4 months tablets in one go

If claiming ESA and DLA apply to energy supplier for Winter Fuel grant (not just for elderly!!!) - worth about £140 which comes off your elec bill Feb/March. Ideal when Xmas Elec bill due in. Check on their website.
I have claimed Winter Fuel grant previously but not available to apply this year yet

Is DLA high rate mobility?? If so car can be provided with insurance/servicing free.
It is lower rate at present

If not ditch your car and apply for a mobility bus pass and get free travel.
Ditching car not an option. OH needs his for work and I need mine to get around. Do not live in an area that has a regular bus service

I supermarket shop once a week.


Keep yourself occupied, rather than using Ebay / Amazon on your phone use apps like checkoutsmart and shopitize - ie get free food or discounts on many others.
I do not go on ebay or amazon


Most important make Friday a treat day, only one day, treat yourself to a coffee or a cake. But be warned once you get into the swing of money saving it will go through you to pay the prices!!!!

Good luck[/QUOTE]