Advice please: sending possibly inappropriate greetings cards.

j.e.j.

jaylee3 wrote: »

This may sound extreme to some, but me and my OH have this rule that anyone that has not made contact with us, or who we have not seen for more than FIVE years, is NOT welcome at our funeral.

I wouldn't let it worry you. As *max* says, it's not like you're going to be there to police who attends and who doesn't.

If you're that churlish in real life, chances are it'll only be you and the vicar.

Georgiegirl256

Mojisola wrote: »

I agree with this - but would add "family" to "friends". I've been to a couple of funerals recently where the ones who were most upset were family members who had done nothing to help and had rarely even contacted the deceased - despite being fit and able and living locally. I suspect the emotional reaction was partly guilt and hope they learn from this and behave differently to other, still living, relatives and friends.

Yes, would totally agree with this.

Spendless

My 91yo Grandmother has been living in care since Christmas-time. She has mixed dementia and a delusional order. We (the closest family) have been aware that she hasn't been 'with it' (for want of a better expression) for at least the past 3.5 years, which is when she became so ill she was sectioned under the MH act. With the benefit of hindsight we realise that things haven't been right for several years prior to this date.

She doesn't own a mobile phone or computer. Who knows how many letters/cards she threw away, leaving unanswered. She started ignoring phone calls from me and my Mum. No idea how long she did that for for other people. She moved away from the city she lived in for half a century 15 years ago on becoming widowed, so not as easy for people to 'pop' in on her.

You can't ask her when she was last in touch with so and so, she has no idea. Her address book is very old and we've no idea if she's kept it up to date. As she's received correspondence it's been easier to let people know where she now is if they've put their own contact details on, otherwise we've had to look up the name in the old address book and see if we can make contact from there.

Goldiegirl

fierystormcloud wrote: »

One poster said they went through their mother's address book to tell all her old friends from the past she had died. (Friends she had no contact with anymore I am presuming, as this is what this is all about!) I am puzzled as to why she would still have all these numbers after all these years, and also puzzled as to they all have the same number as they had many many years ago.

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Don't presume anything.


All these people I contacted were people I knew she had been close to over the years - but sadly, my mum had dementia, and the cruel nature of that illness is that you forget people, even those people that you are closest too.


So I knew that my mum hadn't been in touch with these people for several years due to her illness - but they were still people who cared about her, but sadly, due to their own advanced age they were not able to visit her in her care home - I'm talking about people in their 80's and 90's who just don't get around much


Apart from a couple of people who had died themselves, everyone in the address book was contactable, so not sure why you think it's strange?


Some of these old ladies had to make a big effort to come to my mums funeral, due to their own infirmities. I was pleased to see those who could make it, plus their relatives who were able to make it happen by driving them to the funeral


I felt it was the last thing I could do for my mum, to get some people together who remembered her, and to talk about her life

pollypenny

In Wales its usual to attend a funeral of someone you have known, someone in the community or the parent of a friend out if respect.

I have great difficulty with this 'inviting' someone to a funeral.

Having said that, I would not want to see one BIL turn up, since he could barely talk to us at his own sister's funeral and we haven't heard from him for years.

building_with_lego

Some useful opinions here, and some interesting perspectives.

This post was actually on behalf of a neighbour, an older lady, and I said I'd ask for the wisdom of the internet for her. Someone mentioned the idea of an elderly/ ill person still being alive and noticing the lack of a card from my friend and that resonated with me personally- my Great uncle and aunt were both very ill for several years, not able to send cards, but I knew that they enjoyed receiving them so I continued to send until I got the call that they'd passed away.

Anyhoo, I have shared the wisdom of the internet with my neighbour and she wanted me to update you with this: the friend was a fellow student 50 years ago and has lived in another country since then, and she has never met any of her family.

They met up whenever they were in each other’s country but otherwise it’s just letters at Xmas and birthdays.

I think it's been one of those looser friendships almost like a penpal relationship, rather than bosom buddies, but I don't think she should feel bad about not phoning (or looking for tweets or facebook updates! ) as they simply didn't have that form of contact.

DigForVictory

I send cards to my husband's family as they aren't into tech or on my mothers gossip-net. I make sure there is a return address label both on the envelope & the card.
With the family on my side, where there is any doubt, I ask mum. Her gossipnet is formidable - she may struggle with some things but my word she remembers people. She often has new boy or girlfriend names down as well as the correct address - and she then apologises to me for asking me to check or look up postcodes!
I'm gradually moving to electronic cards - depending on the age/ techsavvy & wishes of the recipients.

bylromarha

building_with_lego wrote: »

Some useful opinions here, and some interesting perspectives.

This post was actually on behalf of a neighbour, an older lady, and I said I'd ask for the wisdom of the internet for her. Someone mentioned the idea of an elderly/ ill person still being alive and noticing the lack of a card from my friend and that resonated with me personally- my Great uncle and aunt were both very ill for several years, not able to send cards, but I knew that they enjoyed receiving them so I continued to send until I got the call that they'd passed away.

Anyhoo, I have shared the wisdom of the internet with my neighbour and she wanted me to update you with this: the friend was a fellow student 50 years ago and has lived in another country since then, and she has never met any of her family.

They met up whenever they were in each other’s country but otherwise it’s just letters at Xmas and birthdays.

I think it's been one of those looser friendships almost like a penpal relationship, rather than bosom buddies, but I don't think she should feel bad about not phoning (or looking for tweets or facebook updates! ) as they simply didn't have that form of contact.

Then I hope she sends a card with her return address on the envelope and finds that it doesn't come back. I'd also enclose a letter in with it, just because it'd be nice to update the friend and give the friend an opportunity to get back in touch if she is able.