Advice please: sending possibly inappropriate greetings cards.

jackyann

I think this shows that it depends how you view funerals: a goodbye party, remembrance of a life, shared grieving and so on.
To most of us it's a mixture, but this forum gives us an opportunity to reflect on the way others view things.

Goldiegirl

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

How inconsiderate of them! To be fair, the last thing grieving families think of doing is to contact distant acquaintances. There's a 101 things to be done or even thought of before that's even a consideration.

Actually, when my mum and dad died, one of the first things I did was to go through their address books to contact their old friends to tell them the news, in case any of them wanted to come to the funeral

Quite a few attended, and it was a comfort to be able to talk to them about their memories of my parents, many of the memories from a time before I was born.

Some of the old friends that were not able to attend phoned me, and I had more good chats with them, and I also received some lovely letters.

I'm so glad that I made the effort to contact these people - it was a huge comfort to me, to know my parents had touched all these people's lives, and that my mum and dad were highly regarded and respected.

I'm so glad they hadn't imposed some sort of five year rule.

Regarding this 5 year thing, if the funeral is in a public place, I don't think you could actually stop anybody attending. I suppose you could have a doorkeeper with a guest list and who would turn people away..... But it's not exactly dignified, is it.

Mrshaworth2b

This just reminds me of the recent stories in the papers recently about war veterans who had no family and friends left, people turned up at their funeral to pay their respects for what they had achieved. If we all lived by your rule then those people would have had a silent goodbye with no one there. Does anyone deserve that really?

Georgiegirl256

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Actually, when my mum and dad died, one of the first things I did was to go through their address books to contact their old friends to tell them the news, in case any of them wanted to come to the funeral
.

Old friends yes, distant acquaintances no. Someone who has not contacted someone who they know is ill in over two years, is not what I'd consider a friend.

When my Dad died, so many people turned up for his funeral, and yes, like you say, it was a comfort knowing all these people loved and cared for my Dad and wanted to be there to pay their last respects. He had touched so many lives and it was such a comfort to me and my Mam knowing how much he was cared for by so many people.

There was a few old friends in the address book that my Mam contacted. They were friends he had known virtually all his life but for one reason or another (distance, bringing up families, ill health, advancing age) they hadn't seen each other as often as they would have liked. I would still consider them to be a friend though.

Someone who can't even be bothered to pick up the phone to contact their "friend" when they know they have a life threatening condition, just to see how they're doing, offer a kind word and generally let them know they are being thought about....hell, the OP doesn't even know if their "friend" is alive or dead! That is not a friend in my eyes.

bylromarha

jackyann wrote: »

I think the other replies are very sensible.

But Jaylee, I have to say that I have occasionally gone to funerals of someone I haven't seen for a good while. Usually this is because they were important to me at some point in my life: a neighbour who was kind to us when were young; someone from my new mums group who was very important to me in those precious early years; a colleague who taught me a lot when I was starting out.

This was not "false grief", it was, in the old-fashioned term "paying respect" for what that person was once in my life.

This

One of the most wonderful things at my mum's funeral was seeing all the now adult Brownies she used to Brown Owl.

And the 2 ex boyfriends of my sister who my mum treated like sons for a while.

And mum's best friend from 30 years ago who mum helped get through her divorce.

As the grieving daughter, I was hugely blessed to remember the many lives my mum touched through the years to the extent they would give up their time to pay their respects. None came to the wake, they all just turned up at the funeral as they saw the notice in the local paper.

suki1964

I was at a funeral two weeks ago of a man I had never met. He was the father of a friend. I went to show respect and support to the family

Yesterday hubby stood in for me as I had to work, at a funeral where there were nearly 1000 attendees. Some like my husband barely knew the lad, even I only knew him slightly. We aren't religious nuts or " professional funeral attendees", we go to show respect and support. There's never a poorly attended funeral here. Even my step dads was well attended and he never left the house other then doctors or hospital appointments. People came to support us, the family who are grieving

duchy

I agree - one of the things that touched me the most at my Mum's funeral was my de-facto god father. He hadn't seen my Mum for years as he was nursing his wife and my Mum's health was poor so neither could travel and when I rang him to let him know he explained he had recently lost his wife and wasn't up to coming. I had no problem and hadn't really expected him to come . When I saw him outside the church I was so touched. He told me he had felt he had to come. He was frail and didn't come to the cemetery after and admitted it had been a difficult thing to do but he was glad he had come.....and so was I.

Likewise when my now partner's partner and my good friend died in her early forties - he was touched that people she had worked with but lost touch with when her health declined attended the funeral. It is a comfort to know people feel touched -even if it isn't recent- by your loved one enough to want to come and acknowledge they were important to them.

It's often said funerals aren't for the dead -it's for those they have left behind- and it's so true.

That said I do think the OP is talking about acquaintances - not friends. It's a bit like the Christmas cards that turn up year after year from people you've met years ago on holiday and have lost their address but they keep sending cards every year with no address on them.

SandC

I agree with the sentiments about the cards though. If you have a friend who is seriously ill but then don't keep in touch for two years then that is not a friendship. Sad, really.

My stepmum is elderly now and if she hasn't heard from someone, whether that's card or phone in some time, when it might be a person who was part of my dad's life before they married, she will ask me to do some detective work to find out if something has happened. Between us we can establish if they have passed away or moved etc. although this is always because there's been a mutual card exchanging thing or telephone call once in a while.

Nicki

When people live long distances away and have busy lives, it can be hard to keep up regular contact however important they once were to you, and the OP is getting quite a slating for not having contact with this friend for a couple of years even though she initiated cards at Christmas and birthdays over that period. Personally if I were older, ill and possibly housebound, I'd notice and be upset if an old friend suddenly stopped sending me a birthday card and would feel forgotten or guess they thought I was dead!

OP would it be possible to make a phone call to the friend on the pretext you remembered her birthday was coming up and it made you think how long it was since you had spoken? Or if that wouldn't work, rather morbidly, you can check death registers online and search the obit pages of the local newspapers online too which could give some answers.

I have friends who I mainly keep in touch with now on facebook or by email or text because they live too far away to make visits easy and my work patterns and family commitments don't coincide with theirs in a way which makes phone contact easy. With someone older who maybe doesn't use email or text, and who is seriously ill so probably in bed earlier than most, I can see that staying in regular touch could be harder still.

Andypandyboy

I think it depends on how you were brought up. In my community everyone whose lives had been touched by the deceased turned up to pay their respects at their funerals. I still do that if possible.

I think there is something really touching about seeing people who knew the deceased from years ago and who made time in busy a schedule to attend a funeral. I love to see a full church at a funeral.