Advice please: sending possibly inappropriate greetings cards.

jackyann

I think the other replies are very sensible.

But Jaylee, I have to say that I have occasionally gone to funerals of someone I haven't seen for a good while. Usually this is because they were important to me at some point in my life: a neighbour who was kind to us when were young; someone from my new mums group who was very important to me in those precious early years; a colleague who taught me a lot when I was starting out.

This was not "false grief", it was, in the old-fashioned term "paying respect" for what that person was once in my life.

jaylee3

jackyann wrote: »

I think the other replies are very sensible.

But Jaylee, I have to say that I have occasionally gone to funerals of someone I haven't seen for a good while. Usually this is because they were important to me at some point in my life: a neighbour who was kind to us when were young; someone from my new mums group who was very important to me in those precious early years; a colleague who taught me a lot when I was starting out.

This was not "false grief", it was, in the old-fashioned term "paying respect" for what that person was once in my life.

That's fair enough jackyann, and that is your choice and your opinion. But me and my OH don't want people at our funeral who have had nothing to do with us for 5 years or more, or who we have not had in our lives for 5 years or more.

I just think if you care enough about someone to go grieve at their funeral, then you would still be part of their life.

It's the way I feel, and I can't - and won't - change. Neither will my OH. Many of my close family feel the same. It does seem to me a bit like false grief if you are mourning for someone you haven't seen for many years... JMHO.

geerex

jaylee3 wrote: »

That's fair enough jackyann, and that is your choice and your opinion. Mut me and my OH don't want people at our funeral who have had nothing to do with us for 5 years or more, or who we have not had in our lives for 5 years or more.

I just think if you care enough about someone to go grieve at their funeral, then you would still be part of their life.

It's the way I feel, and I can't - and won't - change. Neither will my OH. Many of my close family feel the same. It does seem to me a bit like false grief if you are mourning for someone you haven't seen for many years... JMHO.

You're wrong. As already said, it's called paying your respects. It's not about when the person last saw you, it's about them showing that you made enough of an impact in some part of their life that they wanted to show their appreciation by saying a final farewell.

But, if that's your attitude I'm sure you'll have a great turnout :rotfl:

jaylee3

geerex wrote: »

You're wrong! As already said, it's called paying your respects. It's not about when the person last saw you, it's about them showing that you made enough of an impact in some part of their life that they wanted to show their appreciation by saying a final farewell.

But, if that's your attitude I'm sure you'll have a great turnout :rotfl:

I am absolutely NOT 'wrong' and it's incredibly arrogant of you to say that. It is my opinion and my views, and how dare you say they are 'wrong?' Says more about you than it does me.

I do not wish to have anyone at my funeral who has not bothered with me for the last 5 years or more, with their false mourning, putting on a show and pretending they care about me.

And I would prefer to have just 20 people at my funeral who are people who genuinely love me and care about me, and who have been in my life week after week, month after month, rather than 100 people turning up who haven't seen me for more than a decade. Those people are not welcome.

And there will be plenty of people at my funeral thank you, as I have approximately 40 people in my extended family who I never go more than a few weeks without seeing, and who play a large part in my life, and approximately 20 work colleagues and friends, as well as a dozen or so neighbours, who I see regularly too. So I don't need fairweather 'friends' from years back who decide to turn up just to make themselves feel better for not being bothered to keep in touch for a decade or more.

This is my view and my opinion. If you don't like it, tough. But don't you dare tell me I am wrong. An opinion cannot be wrong. Who do you think you are; mocking my beliefs and my wishes and my opinions and my views? How incredibly rude!

coolcait

jaylee3 wrote: »

And I would prefer to have just 20 people at my funeral who are people who genuinely love me and care about me, and who have been in my life week after week, month after month, rather than 100 people turning up who haven't seen me for more than a decade. Those people are not welcome.

On the other hand, it is often said that funerals are for the living who have been bereaved, rather than for the dead.


Many people draw comfort from seeing that their departed loved one had touched many lives.


They draw comfort from the fact that others take the time to come to the funeral to 'pay their respects' to the deceased as a person, and to the memories of the times that they shared together - even if those times were some years in the past.


On a more practical level, I'm not sure how you would prevent people from attending your funeral if it's held in a public place.

POPPYOSCAR

I can see both sides of the funeral argument.


I can really understand not wanting certain people who are there just for appearances sake and who should have bothered before but did not.


But I also think that others can be there as a matter of respect and not grief.

Jagraf

An old lady in our village died lady year - she was in her nineties. She had spent her years since retirement in the village and was very well liked - always had a kind word for everyone. Her funeral was packed , people were outside. There were people there she hadn't seen for decades, but whose lives she had touched one way or another. She had had various careers including being a nurse, and there were kids (some of them in their seventies) who used to play with her kids and grandkids. Evacuees from the war and even an old school friend! It was a real celebration. I think our lives are touched with people en route and we don't need to be with them all the time but they represent part of our personal journey through life. 'Friend' means different things to different people. Whats the saying .... Friends are for a reason, for a season, or for life.

I would certainly go to some funerals of people I don't see now, just as a mark of respect for how they touched my life. I went to my old biology teachers last year, and also a pub landlord of the town I lived in as a student. My parents are sadly starting to lose their friends and some of these people I used to know really well. I have no reason to regularly keep in touch we are not part of each other's lives, but I would attend the funerals .

honeypop

jaylee3 wrote: »

I would prefer to have just 20 people at my funeral who are people who genuinely love me and care about me, and who have been in my life week after week, month after month, rather than 100 people turning up who haven't seen me for more than a decade. Those people are not welcome.

Just curious, how these unwelcome people will be stopped from attending (assuming it's held in a usual place where actually anyone can attend whether they knew you or not)?


Not mocking your opinion, but just wondering how you will stop anyone coming to your funeral (well not you, but whoever is organising it). I wouldn't want to be the person on the door turning people away!

lazer

I have went to funerals of people in don't even know, if I know their son, daughter, brother, sister, mother,father etc. It is not about knowing the dead person is about letting the living know you are there for them.

If a close relative of mine died I would expect my friends to come to the wake or funeral regardless of how well they knew the deceased.

SandC

If you live to a ripe old age and don't want anyone coming to the funeral who you haven't had contact with for 5 years then you might find you struggle getting 20 persons. I guess, not that you'd care at that point though!

I've been to a couple of funerals in the last year or two where I was there to show my support for my friend, the deceased's child.

Attending a funeral is not always about grieving. That is what family and close friends do, for others it's about paying respect and giving support.

Personal choice of course though and no way is 'wrong'.