Advice please: sending possibly inappropriate greetings cards.

Mojisola

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Actually, when my mum and dad died, one of the first things I did was to go through their address books to contact their old friends to tell them the news, in case any of them wanted to come to the funeral

We did this as well. It was easier for me because I'd helped Mum and Dad do their Christmas cards for some years so I already knew who they would want notified.

They hadn't seen some of those people for many years but had shared significant life experiences with them and still had a bond.

fierystormcloud

I can also see both sides of the funeral argument. It's OK to go to a funeral of a chap in the village who you don't know terribly well, because he is part of the community; the same with a soldier who died, who you don't know well, or anyone else for that matter, if they live in your village or town.

What I think the posters on here are talking about, is people from the past (like old neighbours and old work colleagues, and yes, maybe even old friends,) turning up at your funeral, when they have had nothing to do with you for over 10 years, or since the 90s (or even further back,) and haven't even sent a Christmas card to you, and probably don't even know where you live anymore.

I have to say that I would not be too happy either at people just turning up simply to show their face, when I have heard nothing from them for 15-20 years or more. Why would they even want to go? I wouldn't even think about going to a funeral of someone I had not seen or had anything to do with for many years.

One poster said they went through their mother's address book to tell all her old friends from the past she had died. (Friends she had no contact with anymore I am presuming, as this is what this is all about!) I am puzzled as to why she would still have all these numbers after all these years, and also puzzled as to they all have the same number as they had many many years ago.

There are exceptions yes, like say if it's someone's old teacher, or scout leader, but even then I can't understand it if the ex pupils were older than their early 30s.

I do know a few people who go to funerals left right and centre though, whether they knew the person well or not; I mean funerals of people who don't even live near them, and who they haven't seen for 20 years! THAT is a bit weird imo. They just see the announcement in the paper, and off they pop!

It is true that people can attend and nobody could stop them, as it's a public place, but the poster in question didn't say she would stop them, she said they would not be welcome, if it was someone who had lost contact years ago.

Also, I have seen funeral announcements in the paper that says 'funeral arrangements strictly private.' So it seems it's not unusual for people to not want fairweather friends from years back turning up.

I agree that if someone was special enough to you for you to go and grieve them at their funeral, you should really have maintained contact with them.

I know people have different ideals, and it's a matter of opinion, but going to the funeral of someone you have had nothing to do with for many years, does seem to smack of hypocrisy somewhat. And I can understand someone saying that they would prefer to have the people who love them and care about them at their funeral, rather than people who just turned up to say they went.

And I agree with Georgie; someone isn't really a 'friend' anymore, if they have had no contact 2 years.

As I said, it's all a matter of opinion, and there is no right or wrong. I can see both sides though.

I do think the five year rule is a bit harsh though. I would say a minimum of ten.

SandC

There's no onus on you to have an obituary or funeral announcement anyway. That way you will only get the people who matter turning up as they will have to make the effort to ask about arrangements, if they have heard about it in the first place.

Andypandyboy

I struggle with any type of "rule" for funeral attendance. Surely, if someone feels they want to attend to pay their respects that is ok?

I have to say I have never come into contact with anyone who feels differently but if there are others out there who feel that way many of us could be making a faux pas or causing offence without realising it!

*max*

I don't give two hoots who comes or doesn't come to my funeral. It's not like I'll be there to be annoyed by any of it.

bylromarha

jaylee3 wrote: »

This may sound extreme to some, but me and my OH have this rule that anyone that has not made contact with us, or who we have not seen for more than FIVE years, is NOT welcome at our funeral. I don't want people at my funeral who I haven't seen for a half a decade or more, with their false grief, and trying to see if there is anything they can get from the will, or who has come along for a party, when they have not been in touch for so long.

I would never ever go to a funeral of someone I had had nothing to do with for five years or more. It's massively hypocritical IMO. If you cared about them enough to go to their funeral, you would have made a lot more effort before they flippin' died!

jaylee3 wrote: »

It's the way I feel, and I can't - and won't - change. Neither will my OH. Many of my close family feel the same. It does seem to me a bit like false grief if you are mourning for someone you haven't seen for many years... JMHO.

jaylee3 wrote: »

This is my view and my opinion. If you don't like it, tough. But don't you dare tell me I am wrong. An opinion cannot be wrong. Who do you think you are; mocking my beliefs and my wishes and my opinions and my views? How incredibly rude!

That poster's opinion is that you're wrong. I agree. If you don't like it, tough. You can't have it both ways. Their opinion is their opinion, your opinion is your opinion. You are both entitled to it.

Personally I think it's far ruder to tell people they have false grief, and accusing people of seeing what they can get from the will if they go to a funeral of a dear friend from 30 years past, and calling others massively hypocritical when you know nothing about them or their lives...JMHO.

fierystormcloud

bylromarha wrote: »

That poster's opinion is that you're wrong. I agree. If you don't like it, tough. You can't have it both ways. Their opinion is their opinion, your opinion is your opinion. You are both entitled to it.

Personally I think it's far ruder to tell people they have false grief, and accusing people of seeing what they can get from the will if they go to a funeral of a dear friend from 30 years past, and calling others massively hypocritical when you know nothing about them or their lives...JMHO.

I disagree. Nobody can say someone's opinion is wrong. You can disagree with it, and say you think something different, but how can someone's opinion be wrong?

As for whether it's false grief? That is subjective.

Frankly, if someone is grieving for, and attending a funeral of someone they have not seen - or had any contact with - for 20 or 30 years; that does seem somewhat disingenuous. And as I said earlier, it does smack of hypocrisy.

As someone said earlier, why turn up to grieve for someone after many years of no contact? They should have shown their compassion and care when they were alive.

So yes it is false grief.

bylromarha

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I disagree. Nobody can say someone's opinion is wrong. You can disagree with it, and say you think something different, but how can someone's opinion be wrong?

Of course you can say someone's opinion is wrong. Hitler's opinion...would you say he was wrong, or would you merely disagree and say he was entitled to his opinion?

Georgiegirl256

Nicki wrote: »

When people live long distances away and have busy lives, it can be hard to keep up regular contact however important they once were to you, and the OP is getting quite a slating for not having contact with this friend for a couple of years even though she initiated cards at Christmas and birthdays over that period.

Totally agree about the distance thing and people living busy lives, but what I can't get my head around is not even any phone calls, texts, emails etc. Especially when they knew this person was ill.

The ironic thing is, now the topic has turned to funerals, the OP doesn't even know if this "friend" is alive or dead! If they are dead, then they didn't even got a chance to go and pay their last respects because they didn't even bothered to phone and check on them!

I think the bit that got me was how the OP had the gall to say "I do wish family would phone to let people know or at least give an update!". If you were a real friend, you'd know. If you are a distant acquaintance, then it is not up to the family to inform all and sundry. Close friends yes, acquaintances no.

Regarding the who should turn up at a funeral. My opinion is anyone who wants to. If someone has touched your life in someway, even if it was years ago....go and pay your last respects if that's what you want to do. Even if you didn't know the deceased that well or at all, but want to support the family, then go. I don't believe that anyone shouldn't go or should be made to feel unwelcome just because they haven't had any contact in years....I do believe however that a lot of people who go to a funeral of a "friend" but didn't have much to do with them when they were alive, might be wishing that they had made more of an effort when they were around.

Mojisola

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Regarding the who should turn up at a funeral. My opinion is anyone who wants to. If someone has touched your life in someway, even if it was years ago....go and pay your last respects if that's what you want to do. Even if you didn't know the deceased that well or at all, but want to support the family, then go. I don't believe that anyone shouldn't go or should be made to feel unwelcome just because they haven't had any contact in years....I do believe however that a lot of people who go to a funeral of a "friend" but didn't have much to do with them when they were alive, might be wishing that they had made more of an effort when they were around.

I agree with this - but would add "family" to "friends". I've been to a couple of funerals recently where the ones who were most upset were family members who had done nothing to help and had rarely even contacted the deceased - despite being fit and able and living locally. I suspect the emotional reaction was partly guilt and hope they learn from this and behave differently to other, still living, relatives and friends.