Advice please: sending possibly inappropriate greetings cards.

building_with_lego

Collective wisdom required please:

I have an increasing number of friends who are ill of health and with whom I lose contact with during much of the year. As the person's birthday or Christmas rolls around I find myself wondering whether they are still with us, or whether they have passed away, and whether my sending a card will cause pain to their loved ones.

For example, it’s my friend’s birthday on Monday but we haven’t heard from her since Christmas 2012, and she’d been ill off and on with leukaemia for a couple of years. We sent Christmas cards in 2013 and 2014, and a bday card last June. I’m inclined to send one this year but decide it’s the last one unless we hear from her or family. Should I send it? Or not? How should I word it?!


I wish families would let people know if people die or at least an update!

Violetta_2

I would send one but make sure you put your address on the back of the envelope just in case it has to be returned, but let's hope not.

j.e.j.

I would send one. If they haven't bothered to let you know that someone has died, then how are you to know not to send a card? I wouldn't avoid sending one just in case they're no longer alive.

elsien

To be fair, if I were a grieving relative, tracking down old acquaintances who send a card twice a year wouldn't be top of my list of things to do.

If you've not heard from them for over 2 years, and knowing they were ill haven't contacted them sooner to ask how they are, then you stopped being real friends a while back.

*max*

I wouldn't consider someone I haven't been in contact with for over 2 years a "friend" tbh, especially if you knew they were very ill and haven't bothered asking after them in all that time. And to the extent of not even knowing whether they are still alive...

If I were to send xmas cards (which I don't), it would be to people I at least have some contact with, really. And people I know for a fact are alive and kicking!

Mrshaworth2b

What you have to bear in mind is if the person doesn't have your address written down, or if their children don't even know your name, they won't be inclined to tell you that that person has passed on.

I wouldn't send a card, you haven't heard from her so either she has been ill or still ill and doesn't have time to contact you or has passed on. Why else would you have not heard from her?

Georgiegirl256

building_with_lego wrote: »

I wish families would let people know if people die or at least an update!

How inconsiderate of them! To be fair, the last thing grieving families think of doing is to contact distant acquaintances. There's a 101 things to be done or even thought of before that's even a consideration.

comeandgo

You could phone your friend and ask after her health and talk to her. you know she is ill, you call her a friend, but you have made no contact.

Savvy_Sue

Violetta wrote: »

I would send one but make sure you put your address on the back of the envelope just in case it has to be returned, but let's hope not.

Or a note inside with your address.

Georgiegirl256

elsien wrote: »

If you've not heard from them for over 2 years, and knowing they were ill haven't contacted them sooner to ask how they are, then you stopped being real friends a while back.

:T Exactly!

That's exactly what my Mam said about my cousin.

jaylee3

elsien wrote: »

To be fair, if I were a grieving relative, tracking down old acquaintances who send a card twice a year wouldn't be top of my list of things to do.

If you've not heard from them for over 2 years, and knowing they were ill haven't contacted them sooner to ask how they are, then you stopped being real friends a while back.

*max* wrote: »

I wouldn't consider someone I haven't been in contact with for over 2 years a "friend" tbh, especially if you knew they were very ill and haven't bothered asking after them in all that time. And to the extent of not even knowing whether they are still alive...

If I were to send xmas cards (which I don't), it would be to people I at least have some contact with, really. And people I know for a fact are alive and kicking!

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

How inconsiderate of them! To be fair, the last thing grieving families think of doing is to contact distant acquaintances. There's a 101 things to be done or even thought of before that's even a consideration.

These 3 :T

This puts me in mind of when we get letters and cards sent to our house for someone who hasn't lived here 8-10 years! I think 'well they can't be THAT close, if they don't even have that person's new address!' :rotfl:

I would never class someone as a friend if I had not heard from them for 2-3 years or more. It only has to be tweets on twitter or facebook contact, or texts; I don't mind as I know people lead busy lives (although I see 90% of my friends and family at least twice a month, or speak to them on the phone.)

But someone who hasn't spoke to me for 2-3 years is NOT a friend. (Or not any more if they were one.)

This may sound extreme to some, but me and my OH have this rule that anyone that has not made contact with us, or who we have not seen for more than FIVE years, is NOT welcome at our funeral. I don't want people at my funeral who I haven't seen for a half a decade or more, with their false grief, and trying to see if there is anything they can get from the will, or who has come along for a party, when they have not been in touch for so long.

I would never ever go to a funeral of someone I had had nothing to do with for five years or more. It's massively hypocritical IMO. If you cared about them enough to go to their funeral, you would have made a lot more effort before they flippin' died!