Here we can all be heard for a little while

Flybaby

Katy - oh that has happened to me on a few odd occasions too - I have dreamt the next day has happened and then woke up and realised the day has not yet happened! Feels really weird!


How is our little escapee? I take it we can't call him bumblebee as I now so want to ( I am of course imagining him as a cool transformer/beautiful camero!)

faerielight

thanks guys.. it hits me so hard due to the PTSD they gave me and the BPD I already had and I've been cancelled 3 times this year and I'm on the urgent list. It's like being on a rollercoaster that I can't get off.the hospital was supposed to be knocked down and rebuilt.. instead they have made it a major trauma centre for the south and planned surgeries are suffering.

The last time I had a CT scan was 13 months ago and my condition had deteriorated loads the last 6 months.. my gp wrote to him 3 times but he never replied and he told me if my condition deteriorates, the wait to see him is 18 months and the only way to see him is to pay private at the Nuffield, which I did out of my benefits last dec.
It was also the last time he examined me. The psychological damage they do to me when they cancel the night before is compacting layers and layers.

I can't move forward with my life, I can't plan anything, have a holiday, start a course.. I am utterly at their mercy. I saw my GP on thus before I was cancelled, the meds arn't working, my bowel and stomach are getting trapped in one of the hernias and the only treatment is surgery. She thinks and so do I that I'm heading towards another medical emergency and it is utterly terrifying.. she told me this surgery came not a moment too soon, but then i was cancelled. I think thewy are going my the CT scan 13 months ago.. my GP is referring me for another one, but that takes 6 months. as for the state I'm in, my mind has short circuited , it's like a bomb has gone off again.. this is my 5th year now with surgery after surgery and the cancellations sre now in double figures.. Apparently my hospital is now statistically the worst in the uk, but I have no choice to get away from this hospital or get away from this same surgeon who almost killed me .. noone else will touch me and there has to be an Intensive Care bed and a whole gastro team.. olus he only works 1 day a week so I'm waiting for him to prioritise his private patients.. Right now, I truly am struggling how to figure out how to endure this living nightmare and not take all my pills and be done with all this suffering x maybe if I knew this was the last of it, but knowing I will definitely be back here again waitig for and being cancelled for another surgery, I cannot go through this any more.. I am utterly devoid of hope and in total dispair :(x

whitewing

Hang on in there, faerie.

You cant change the main man, but maybe there will be a new face in his team that can make things a lot more bearable for you and who fights your corner.

Pyxis

That's a good point, Whitewing. You very rarely see the top bod, and even if you do, it isn't often that he actually does the surgery.

So maybe there will be a new face for you, Faerielight.

Maybe this enforced delay will mean you get a more sympathetic surgeon.

You must be feeling at your wits end, though. A mixture of angry, despairing, hurt, worthless, and broken. :A

However bad you are feeling, we are here for you, Faerie. You can let it all out on here.

WaS, in particular, is so very understanding. She has been through so much, that she can relate to everything you are saying, from personal experience. She's invaluable! A proper treasure! You can tell her anything and she's always got an answer!


I think we'll have to call her ThesaurWaS!
Or EncyclopaediWaS!

dragonette

*hugs for Faerie* that sounds horrible, will keep my fingers crossed you get a new date asap. Would it be worth going to A+E when the pain is really bad? Force them to make you an emergency surgery?

Thanks all for the positive vibes, I'm finally feeling much. WaS - thank you so much, I know I cant have contact with this former friend, its just incredibly hard to not guilty! Reminding myself that I bring out the bad things in them makes it easier.

Lots of hugs and sticks available here, need all my spoons to function atm tho

jobbingmusician

Pyxis wrote: »

WaS, in particular, is so very understanding. She has been through so much, that she can relate to everything you are saying, from personal experience. She's invaluable! A proper treasure! You can tell her anything and she's always got an answer!


I think we'll have to call her ThesaurWaS!
Or EncyclopaediWaS![/QUOTE/]

THIS! And I loooove thesaurWaS!

Hugs, etc to all xxxxx

Pyxis

Hi JM!

How have you been?







Edit and how's everyone else this evening?

It's like the Marie-Celeste in here at the moment!

elsien

T'internet is still poorly at this end - working but so slow I keep giving up and turning the computer off. I could be doing something constructive but have decided to catch up on some bad telly instead.
Took Gitdog on his naughty dog's walk earlier (my social activity for the day) - considering there was some rowing event on (Bangladeshi regatta, very colourful) which meant the place was heaving, he was very good........for him.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahah! I have a new name! You are all way too nice to me, I try my best but I am not that great. I just have lots of experience on both sides of mental health, be it as a patient or therapist and it really does help me to think I might suggest something useful to someone else. As my psychotherapist would say I have a need to be needed! We all help each other, that is what makes the this thread so great! I treasure all of you.

On that note I had a very sweet dream. My american friend and I found a small wooden box that could take us back in time. We went back to 1970 and met with my then very young teacher friend. He has had several bad things that have happened to him sadly, and I tried to warn him about what would occur in his future and how he must stop caring about situations so much because he would only be hurt. I clearly worry about him. It was very vivid and I remember all of it in detail, I told him about it so hopefully it makes him feel cared for.

How are you feeling today, Faerie? I have kept you in my thoughts.

I love the bumble bee dream! Now I want a cuddly bumble bee. I am very fond of them and not afraid at all. A while back I was napping and a huge bee flew into the bedroom, I was so tired that I went back to sleep and apparently so did the bee. WaSp was in bed the next morning and the bee woke up and hovered in front of his face, he opened his eyes and screamed! I had totally forgotten that it was in the bedroom and Wasp was beyond horrified because he is nervous of them. I still giggle about it because I'm mean, I did remove it for him so I'm not that bad.

codemonkey

I like WaSaurus because she could be a thesaurus or a dinosaur.

Feeling rubbish today. My pain is back and I have to either go back to work tomorrow or go to the doctors for a sick line. I am bored at home and fed up with only having DH to talk to but at the same time, I don't know how bad it will be if I'm at work. Also, worried that this longer period of suffering means my drugs aren't working and I don't want to go on the next lot, which will make me fat again and have a vast list of horrible side effects. I'm going to penguin the next part as it related to suicidal thoughts.

So possible Crotch biting penguin coming up
Today I have been thinking a lot about how the world might be better off without me and that I'd be better off dead - I feel useless and ugly and tired of it all. Don't worry - I'm not actually suicidal and I have no intention of offing myself, I'm just ground down a bit by the pain and have been on my own too much. DH is not good company when he's the only person I have to talk to. Half the time he doesn't even look up from his game and the other half he's stressed from work so I don't want to add to it.

End penguin.

I know I'm totally out of line complaining when other people have much more to deal with than I do. Just running low on spoons.