Here we can all be heard for a little while

Pyxis

((((())))bluebell))))))))))

Stoodles

Welcome Knitta. i'm glad you found us. Sometime just having somewhere to unload helps - I hope we can be good for you.

Is there someone who could encourage me out of the fort? I really should be making some effort not to stay at home alone all the time, but it's so hard.

There is something called a Friendship Club in the village, which meets monthly. The next meeting is tomorrow, so I'd have to phone the organiser today to find out about it. I'm sure she must be nice, and probably friendly. It's just hard to do

codemonkey

I'd like to address my relationship with food, if that's ok. I will penguin it as it's kind of personal. And very long, so feel free to skip.

The first thing you should know is that my family communicate in a very strange way. Their particular skill is to find someone's weakness and attack until their opponent is vanquished. I'm guilty of this too, which I'm not proud of. I've also always known that I wasn't wanted by anyone except my mother, and my presence was viewed as an irritant, at least until I was old enough to look after all the kids. So as you can imagine, my self-esteem was never that high to begin with.

My parents insisted on sit-down 3 course dinners every night, which sounds like a good thing, but tended to be a flash-point. I'd argue with my dad and he'd reduce me to tears but I'd never be allowed to leave the table and would have to continue eating. My mother's cooking didn't agree with me (very wartime, heavy and stodgy) but if I objected, I was labelled as a drama queen and was forced or guilted into eating it anyway - even things I was allergic to. On top of that, one of the many family kids that lived with us, developed food problems too and it became all about her - so we'd have sausages every single night because that's all she'd eat. And nobody paid much attention to me anyway. So I started taking food from the cupboards and eating it in my room, so at least I'd be able to have something that I liked. Why in my room? Well, if I ate it anywhere else, I'd be forced to share it with 6 or 7 kids.

As well as all the babysitting and stuff, I was having trouble at school. I was weird. I didn't have designer clothes and I was lucky if I had time to comb my hair in the morning on top of all the childcare I had to do and some of the girls started a rumour about me that meant nobody would speak to me. When I wasn't occupied with the little ones, I would sit at home with tears streaming down my face. So nobody noticed me and home and nobody noticed me at school.

One of my friends knew I was having a hard time so we'd hang out at her house and eat ice cream and chocolate and watch films and I think that's when I started to use food as a comfort. The hiding of food became more serious and I'd go to the shop and buy chocolate and crisps, sneak them into the house, and binge in my room - I fitted a lock so I could have some peace (it wasn't long before they learned to pick it though). I lived in baggy jeans and jumpers to hide my body.

On top of all this, my mum pushed me into a sport - I started it because I wanted to do it, but my mum just kept pushing. I did it at club level and there began to be talk of country level too and it was too much. So I quit and of course, I gained weight. And every time I gained weight my mum would point it out. My mum was skinny in her youth but was a size 20 by then (Also a comfort eater) so she was projecting her issues onto me, I think. So I had it pointed out every time I got tubby. So that's when the purging started. I preferred laxatives. Once I started uni, I'd live on as little as possible to lose weight - one rice cake and a banana and then I'd go on a binge.

So over the years my weight went up and down with my mum commenting whenever it went on. And eventually, I decided to tackle the cycle. I managed to stop the purging and of course I gained weight. Then came the birth control pill which piled weight on me too. Then I was dating a guy who was into car racing and although he had no problem with my weight - I was maybe a size 16 which isn't huge but I felt self-conscious- whenever I went racing with him, he'd do laps without me in the car as my weight slowed him down. So, I lost weight. I used diet pills which weren't healthy but it worked. I lost loads of weight really quickly. I was at my lowest adult weight when I met DH, doing loads of yoga and pilates, but of course after we moved in together, I gained some weight again. But I decided to lose weight again and did it healthily this time - I ran, I ate healthily etc and I was a size 12 for my wedding. At my height and build, it's a good size for me. After we got married, I gained weight again of course, and the failure to conceive meant the comfort eating flared again - I felt (and still feel) like a failure as a woman.

Then a few years ago I decided to change that. I went on yet another healthy eating kick, and back to running and was on my way back. That's when the pain started and my health condition became apparent.

The drugs I'm on have made me gain weight,so I slowly gained back whatever I'd lost with the running and more and even when I wasn't gaining, it was impossible to shift. I'd gone up to a size 18. Then I got put on weight gain 3000, and gained a stone and a half in a few months, and I noticed I was approaching a size 20 and the scales were still climbing. You guys already know about my struggle to get the doctors to acknowledge all this.

Somehow though, weight gain 3000 helped with the eating. I stopped comfort eating and reduced snacking and did way more exercise, but still, with all the weight.

So now, I've changed pills again, and I'm working hard and denying myself nice stuff but I've only lost the extra stone and a half and I feel like I'm back where I started, which is why I'm not more happy about it.



And anyone who made it through all that, deserves a medal. Sorry for being whiny.

codemonkey

Oldestgnome, I meant to say earlier, your photos are amazing.

whitewing

codemonkey, I think you are amazing. I'm at work but will try and comment more later. I know about the being ignored at home.

Georgiegirl256

Welcome knitta! Big hugs to all that need them x x

Code, you're not being whiny at all Hun. Reading your story, it's so easy to see how people's relationships with food can develop into a problem. I have no experience of having a negative relationship with food, so wouldn't know what advice to give, but just wanted to offer up an extra big hug, and have a cat cuddle too! I know you're a doggy person, but hey, he's feeling generous today!

geminilady

Bluebell ((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))) it does hurt when you are accused of something you have not done especially when it is someone you care about,maybe now is the time for your OH to say something as it is still going on.You have said it was not you if the person refuses to believe you there is not much you can do.Some people do not realise how much hurt words can cause

Pyxis

Stoodles wrote: »

Welcome Knitta. i'm glad you found us. Sometime just having somewhere to unload helps - I hope we can be good for you.

Is there someone who could encourage me out of the fort? I really should be making some effort not to stay at home alone all the time, but it's so hard.

There is something called a Friendship Club in the village, which meets monthly. The next meeting is tomorrow, so I'd have to phone the organiser today to find out about it. I'm sure she must be nice, and probably friendly. It's just hard to do

Ok, Stoodles. Please phone the organiser and find out some details. There's no commitment to go at this stage. If it sounds like you'd like it, tell the organiser that you're shy and a bit nervous of going, and perhaps she'll say that she'll introduce you to some people, or something like that.
If you'd rather not commit to going, just tell her that you'll have a think about it, now that you know how it works.

Then mull it over, and if there's nothing about it that you'd find annoying, decide to go!
After all, the worst that could happen is that you won't like it, so needn't go again! However, tell yourself that you'll stay at least half the time involved.
If you really don't like it, tell the organiser that you're feeling very tired, so will go now, thank you.

Pyxis

Code, thank you for telling us that. I'm really not surprised you developed an eating problem! But you've tackled it! It may be slow, but you are winning! Please remember that rapid weight loss isn't healthy anyway! You did it before, so you can do it this time! :A

Stoodles

How wise you are Pyxis. I hadn't got beyond " Just pull yourself together and do it , woman" which wasn't working. I'm just not used to things like this being so much effort - I used to do much harder tasks without batting an eyelid, so I have no tolerance at all for inadequacy.