one day at a time

Flying_By

Hi Safehouse, I am not a ‘poster,’ more a ‘lurker’ but I was brought to your Diary via another thread and felt I had to say how much I admire and feel for you and your DS. You have both been through so much stress and I can appreciate how much this must have impacted on your DS and how much of a worry this must be for you. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you both and offer a couple of thoughts, based on my own children’s experience (or not!) of university. My eldest – gregarious and outgoing – flew through uni. I thought it would be the same for the following three. DD2 suffered dreadfully with depression and anxiety but with help from her university was able to take a year out and finally completed her degree. DD3 is now in her final year and finding it tough due to similar MH difficulties but her GP suggested that as NHS waiting lists for counselling were so long, she approach the university’s Student Wellbeing and Counselling Department where she pretty much immediately was given help. I would think/hope that most universities provide such a service – and should your DS ever think of returning, it might be worth his establishing contact with such a facility.
My DS, and youngest, although bright enough, loathed school and left in Year 12. Also an anxious boy, he opted out of everything for a year which was a huge worry. We are now in a better place as he not only has a p/t job but is studying with the Open University for his degree. What a wonderful find they have been! Seems to be a far more mature approach than normal uni which particularly in the first year can be full of posturing post-sixth formers, and still very much has a flavour of ‘school’ and immaturity. I would imagine that with all your DS has been through he has a far more mature ‘take’ on life than many of his fellow-undergrads might have, and this in itself can unfortunately be alienating. Anyway, might be worth looking at the OU as it has a huge range of degrees available, lots of back-up and can mainly be done at home and on-line. We have also had a tuition fee loan for it.
I don’t know what sort of career your DS is considering but there are currently some great apprenticeships/learning-on-the-job type vacancies. (no student loans to pay, either) Not just manual these days but with the Civil Service, engineering firms, retail companies – which take you straight into the ‘earning’ arena. It might be worth making an appointment with your local Careers Officer to explore this?
Finally, I have found through bitter experience how vital it is to chase your local CAMHS people. Although sometimes, even they don’t have the expertise/time to offer the right help. An option – although expensive – is to try a private counsellor for your DS. Whilst costly, it could be a huge help and I wish, for some of my kids, I had tried this option earlier as NHS MH services are under so much pressure currently.

I am so sorry for this ‘essay,’ please feel free to disregard if I am rabbiting on but just wanted to let you know you and DS are not alone. xx

eco_farmer

a brilliantly insightful post

safehouse

Wow wonderful essay, Thankyou for taking the time Flying by & Eco....... such lovely people on this site, makes me feel quite emotional. You are certainly right Flyby DS is much more mature than boys his age, my view is he had to grow up very quickly when at school due to the bullying he endured, also sure OH constant problem hasnt helped. I am not sure if DS will go to university’s Student Wellbeing or Counselling again, but worth talking to him. Had absolutely no idea he could do a degree from home and still have the help from student funding but would it be difficult for him to start again I wonder?....would he lose a years funding if he drops out? getting quite excited all the same. Will look into Open University courses as soon as. DS hasn't returned to the college, he is thinking about looking for a job instead, but without his degree, not sure what will happen .... and has stuck his head firmly in the sand as regards to the tutor from H*ll, (wish I could stick her head firmly in the sand "refuse to add Lol because I am totally serious") definitely in limbo in regards to his future, so him doing his degree from home is a wonderful solution......Thanks again Flyby, please flyby anytime Xx

safehouse

Good morning early birds.... terrible night been awake since 4am....must have only managed 2 hours sleep, naughty doggy didnt help wanting to be out twice during the night, think she had far to many treats yesterday.
Meeting planned early at work this morning.... slightly worried, not sure what that could be about?. Then off to Doc appointment at 9am ...nothing serious, finally meet Dmama for quick cuppa. Mortgage savings at a stand still, instead trying to plough the money we lost from horrible job back into business account so no spare pennies for some time............
Oh just enough time for a second cuppa before shower....desperately in need of the caffeine Lol


CC B £1,500/ CC S £1,700...£3,200 total …. Mortgage £100,000 /£69,140 paid £30,860 remaining

please-let-me-be-lucky

Hope meeting and docs went ok and you are currently enjoying a relaxing cuppa with your Mum Xx

Flying_By

Am glad that my lengthy post was of some use, Safehouse! Regarding The Open University, the great thing is, studying for a degree can be spread over more than just the usual 3 or 4 years. Also, a great many students with OU have jobs as well as studying, so that could work out well for your son as he would be earning alongside working for his degree. If you are in England I am not sure how your tuition fees system works, as we are 'over the border' where these things are done a little differently. However, some people decide to pay up front for each section of their studying with OU and even if your son decides to go down this route - the cost is very reasonable, especially if he is working. I would have a peep online at the variety of courses available and check out the fees, also. The OU have set enrolment dates - my son started his course this autumn. I think there might be another start date in mid-February 2017 but DS would have to register by 15 December - but there is lots of info on their website.

Hope you have a good day today, meeting and doctor-wise and enjoy a lovely coffee with your DMama.

safehouse

Hi Lucky hope you don't think I am being cheeky but thought I would ask for a little advice....I seem to remember reading something similar in your posts a few months ago but apologies if I have it wrong..... thing is whilst in Docs this morning I bumped into a very good but very stressed friend from years gone by she was in a terrible state has lots of illnesses...Epilepsy, diabetes and suffers a great deal with anxiety, depression, anyway she has an appointment some sort of face to face assessment in a couple of days and had no one to go with her or what to expect, poor thing ( I am going to try and get the afternoon off work and tag along, thinking she is in desperate need of support). Anyway she seems to think they are going to be horrible to her and thinks they will blame her weight for her illnesses, which is ridiculous I know but I think she has got herself all worked up to be honest and not thinking straight. I just remembered your posts and wondered if this is anything similar to what you had to go through with your DH. She is popping round tomorrow night for a chat so any help or info i could pass on would be greatly appreciated...Hope you don't mind me asking Xx

please-let-me-be-lucky

Don't mind you asking at all. It would be helpful to know what her assessment is for. ESA? PIP? If it's for either of those it's a capability to work assesment in which the honest truth is that someone decides based on your answers if you are truly unable to work or if they think you can. I can go into much more detail if I know exactly what it is she's having an assessment for, but they won't blame weight etc, they are trying to discover just how much your friend's life is impacted upon by her conditions, and the key to that is 'more than half her days' Xx

safehouse

Thanks Lucky Xx.....well spoke to her last night and she said it is an esa assessment, she is in a right state, told her to tell them she cant go , seems to be making her health problems worse, but she said she has to or they will stop her money, surly this cant be right. Her seizures have doubled in the last few weeks with the stress of it all and she has doubled her meds without docs consent due to the stress.........I don't know what to say to calm her down.

please-let-me-be-lucky

She can request that they come out to her rather than her go to them, but I'm afraid she's right that the assessment needs completed or money will stop. There are lots of horror storries about people being told they are fit to work when they aren't, but an appeals process is in place if you need to dispute the decision. Your friend needs to tell them worst case about how her disability affects her, ie as bad as it gets, without making it out to be worse than it is. I'll see if I can find some links as to how the scoring works ...