one day at a time

safehouse

Have had a massive, ruthless clear-out and listed some of my prized retro dresses, bags and shoes suits on Teabay some even designer names from my days of reckless youth and silly spends. Also including some of OH very expensive clothing from the day, he is the worse hoarder ever, so haven't told him, be surprised if he even notices they are gone, not sure why I have kept hold of them so long to be honest....wont ever wear them again 2 sizes to small for both of us for a start....Wow was I really a size 8 !!.....................:eek:
Planned carbooty today....needing a few things ....
Also planned visit to DMama and Dsis this afternoon so busy, busy day.:D:D
DS has bought OH an electric toothbrush for fathers day....great bargain Oral B only £19.99 from saversss double the price at Bootys....:T
Shower beckoning...........Enjoy your Sunday everyone Xx

safehouse

10 days for appointment with hospital, hoping will be able to able to finally wave goodbye to moon boot....:D:D:D:D
Having day out with DS today....treat for all his recent charity work "will try for window shopping only";)
£20 paid into EF this morning....money saved by ordering Indian takeaway instead of spending a fortune on meal out for fathers day...............:T
Teabay stuff seems very popular, sold 2 items straight away total of £45 waiting for payment :T and have lots of watchers and questions on the others.....:):)
Time ticking



DS 0…. CC B £1,560/ CC S £1,600/ CC A £100....£3,270 total …. Mortgage £100,000 /£65,900 paid £34,100 remaining….EF..130.00 total....(66,030)..........()

TallGirl

Hi Safehouse I usually hang out on the Mortgage free wannabe board but do read this one as well due to the work I do. Anyway just wanted to say reading your diary is almost a copy of my own from wanting to clear the mortgage to DH being self-employed and having their own business but also very much being a functioning alcoholic. I cleared by mortgage 9 years early and then much later on realised like you they have to want to give up drinking you cannot do anything yourself and I finally left him last year.


The relief of not having to police him all the time, worry about him eating and also not being able to socialise without the worry about him getting drunk, falling asleep at parties and generally being an idiot. I am not suggesting you should leave him I know you have a DS yourself (I only had two cats) but think about you and what you want and need. We did the whole GP thing but if he isn't committed to giving up they wont do a thing. I did find Avolon really good you can speak to them as a partner totally free and confidential I would recommend that they are really good and helped me cope better.


Anyway I hope his first step of going to the GP is going to be a positive one just don't pin your hopes on the NHS. I was with my functioning alcoholic from aged 21 to 45 at least 3 years too long if not more and today he is a definitely alcohol unable to work, serious memory loss, unable to look after himself (e.g. not washing or changing his clothes and will look his loose his business as his 91 year old dad can only do so much. My diary is on the MFW board if you are interested or PM me it might all sound doom and gloom but I am in a really good place now and don't regret leaving him. I know I made the right choice.


Good luck and keep paying off the mortgage helped me so much that I had done that.

safehouse

Sorry for the delay in reply Tallgirl I just couldn’t stop reading all your posts. Anyway I am half way through…. hit a serious chord with me, gave me a lump to the throat....the similarities are beyond strange we could have been leading comparative lives….OH, doctors, paying off mortgage, even down to you hurting your foot….was it left or right? Lol.
You have given me hope as regards to my mortgage, I am not expecting a miracle from the doctor, he will give instructions but as always it is down to OH to have to follow them through. I am worried he will want bloodtests, worried what the results will find and if OH will cope badly with the results, get depressed and fall back even further...........I feel selfish, but truthfully I am dreading the appointment and wanting to put my head in the sand
Like yourself we now lead our lives more like brother and sister and although I still love him, again this is like how you would love your brother or sister, I worry about him all the time it consumes your life as you probably know, is he telling me lies?, is he going to get drunk? Is he going to get ill? Is he going to turn into Mr Hyde and ruin the day? Is he going to drive whist over the limit……I feel like I now grieve for the man I met 30 years ago, in between feeling angry with him or sorry for him. Yes living with an alcoholic partner for 20 years really messes with your head “as you will know”. I am angry that his actions dictate our (mine and DS) lives…no holidays or nights out, having to plan the weekends skill fully so he is driving = no drinking. Then his family who are now horrible to me because in a nut shell they blame me for his drinking and offer NO support...................
I am so happy things have turned out good for you, I envy your strength, which at the moment I don’t have. Thanks for the Avalon tip will look into it…..Please pop by now and again….silly I know but feels good to talk to someone who has certainly walked in the exact same shoes and come through the other side…..Thankyou Tallgirl and good luck with your new life Xx

TallGirl

Hi Safehouse thanks for the reply kind of glad you feel the same although not as it is not good to have to live your life around and alcoholic. I totally also agree with you regarding the family aspect his family just swept it under the carpets (did blame me though) and kept giving him booze almost encouraging him to drink. My family I kept in the dark they live in a different country so only see them 2 or 3 times a year so easier. It got so bad they didn't want us to come for their annual Summer break and guess what it didn't bother me until I saw sense and realised actually DH was at fault not me. This year we were invited both me and my girlfriend (you might not have got to that bit yet lol).

You will find the strength at some point to do what is right for you. I exactly like you decided I wasn't going back things had to change and I stuck with it and they did improve (more policing) but then in the end they didn't and I had a week away and I realised my own life was more important than keeping him safe and kind of well. I did care for him but how he is today is not the person I met loved and moved countries for so I wouldn't even call it cared like a brother sadly more like the person I knew has died.


I will follow your diary and feel free to PM me or ask anything you want yes I have been there and got the t-shirt but it wasn't all bad and I am now in a pretty good place. Give that doggy a cuddle and think of that wonderful son of yours and you will find the strength to make the right decision.


Ps: it was my left foot still have trouble with it hope yours is better.

safehouse

Thankyou TallGirl, I finished your diary last night and you seem so happy now which is lovely and so deserved, I better than anyone can see that...:D
Sometimes I believe subconsciously you know you are already getting ready for the worst, preparing almost, maybe even years before and starting to get things in order such as paying our mortgages off in advance in preparation for the inevitable....who knows!!
Your posts have given me food for thought over the last couple of days, but in a good way....keep in touch Xx

Whew lovely sunny morning 8 days for freedom of the foot Lol....hopefully can wear my nice bargain £2 sandals soon ..............
Off for a little bus ride this morning ....clear my head and call in a few charity shops.
DS is at work till 12 so might wait for him after work and surprise him with a yummy Mcdonnald treat.
They had him using a steam machine on the clothing yesterday, bless he has never once even used an iron "my fault I know pampered" , also gave him a sense of accomplishment when at the end of the day his manager gave him a certificate stating he is now capable of using a steamer and tag machine Bless he had a smile from ear to ear :D.... ...did make me laugh how he did some how manag to steam his fingers a lovely pinky colour though :eek:
Teabay items doing great sold alot of costume jewelry....really thought it was tat....last count almost£150 :T and still have quite a few items left which don't finish till the weekend....have paid proceeds into my mortgage as always reducing my mortgage now down to the 33,000 mark :j, cant wait to get below 30,000
Also managed £20 into EF ....still hoping to get away for Xmas this year, putting off having to tell OH his Xmas must be spent with his sister and mother....Do not think this will go down to well, but determined to stick to my guns after Xmas hell of 2015..........not sure about my Little moo, might have to take her with us....plenty of time to think about all of that
Oh well second cuppa then better make a move...................

DS 0…. CC B £1,560/ CC S £1,600/ CC A £100....£3,270 total …. Mortgage £100,000 /£66,050 paid £33,950 remaining….EF..150.00 total....(Total 66,200)..........()

TallGirl

Hi Safehouse, wow you made it to the end there are at least 5 diaries before that one (no don't look but they are more MFW at least). I am in a really good place and so will you. You MUST go away for Christmas but it needs to be booked soon or the prices are stupid for that time of year. How about renting a nice cottage and then having nice food delivered mayby M&S so you don't have to do much can just chill with your mum, son and doggy. No fear of hassle or someone ruining things for you all. Have you spoken to your mum about things? I kind of cut my family off or spend so much time defending my OH drinking it was hard to turn around but maybe try a little by little. They were so pleased when I finally left and they don't even know about how aggressive he became in the last 6 months or how bad he really was. Anyway you will work it out and yes paying off the mortgage is a way to freedom meant I could leave him and my beautiful much missed cats behind without having to spend money on a house I don't live in. The house is 1/2 mine but until I get a permanent job I cannot buy him out and sadly who know how long he has left.


Did you get to the doctors? Our Avalon is in the doctors surgery maybe ask if there is anything like that. Also there are several groups for people affected by a family members drinking. You might think how horrible but look at what they offer. Anyway well done on getting so close to £30k that is brilliant. By the way another thing we have in common is our like for making our home nicer to live in I did new bathrooms, flooring, painting, garden landscaping complete with greenhouse in the years before I left. House was perfect in actual fact and probably one of the reasons it took me so long to leave but what I have now is 1 million times better.

safehouse

Hi TallGirl,
I feel lots better today, giving positive thinking a go Lol. ... We are in what I call a calm period at the moment, this probably happened with you a lot, so making the most of it, could be a day, week or month or 2 if I am lucky….if things get really bad again I will look into Avalon but waiting until OH has seen the Doc. I am lucky I have my DS and a supportive family and can go to them anytime. I don't defend or keep his behavior a secret anymore like I would in the past as this only turned me into his enabler without even knowing it. I am so sorry to hear your ex OH became violent due to his drinking...that must have been terrible for you, my OH has never crossed that line thank goodness although he does get angry and can be argumentative, yet sober he is the complete opposite gentle, caring, thoughtful. I think I live in a state of confusion most of the time wondering which head he has put on should call him Worzel Gummage. Sad that you had to sacrifice your house and lovely cats after all the love, time and work you put into it, I couldn’t bare to leave my little doggy ….but so happy things turned out great for you in the end and fingers crossed for a quick resolution as regards to your house. Xx

Wages not what I expected but have been off work for some time, so shouldn't complain....all household bills paid and food cash put to one side so still leaving £160 for mortgage....back to work in 2 weeks hopefully, missed it and need to get back to some normality....not one for keeping still.
Posted quite a few items this morning sold on Ebaye cash made creeping up to almost £230 so far Whoo hoo ...last items finish Sunday all proceeds into mortgage when received....
Paid £10 into EF ie Xmas hol fund ....mounting up nicely....:)
Right....garden is calling, no more sitting about the house for me whilst the lovely sun is shining, lots to do....;)

DS 0…. CC B £1,560/ CC S £1,600/ CC A £100....£3,270 total …. Mortgage £100,000 /£66,210 paid £33,950 remaining….EF..160.00 total....(Total 66,370)..........()

TallGirl

Morning Safehouse glad you're feeling better and are working towards getting back to work and getting that foot better.


I am glad you say your OH isn't violent mine wasn't either but he was getting aggressive as in angry and argumentative. He used to go to bed just before 8pm and would then come storming downstairs to complain I was being noisy (once I was reading the paper) or if I had a friend over and we were talking that would be totally unreasonable at 10pm on a Friday. I don't think he would have got violent but I didn't want to wait and find out. He certainly would shout and be totally unreasonable which is what my friends noticed.


Looking back I think the house and the life style was one of the reasons I stayed longer than I should have. I do miss the cats and the garden but I have a garden now a very good job (better than my last one) and I can live without the cleaner and the golfclub (I can always join another one) I don't feel I have lost the house as I chose to take this job which isn't commutable and I will get my share that is for sure.


Why is it taking so long to get a doctors appointment? I know you want to wait and talk to someone until after the appointment but I think you should bite the bullet and do it now. Friends and family can only say so much but an outsider can give you some more unbiased advice. I also got tips and hints for how to deal better and try to support in terms of eating etc. The guy I spoke to was an ex alcoholic himself and I really felt he knew his stuff. Anyway up to you at least look into it.

safehouse

Sun shining and still feeling very relaxed and focused this morning ....Plans today , meeting my beautiful Dmama, then DS after work, food shop and finally an afternoon working in the garden.................
Food shop needs to be kept to a minimum this week after last weeks silly spends....have wrote shopping list and am taking only cash needed.... also leaving cards at home......no more silly spends.
Invoice owed from customer last week due to be paid today after petrol and small amount taken for pocket money for the week should be able to throw remaining cash at mortgage, also excited as all Teabay items have bids and are doing really well :T, again most will go into mortgage with small amount paid into EF and cc ....
Oh time ticking....better make a move :D







DS 0…. CC B £1,560/ CC S £1,600/ CC A £100....£3,270 total …. Mortgage £100,000 /£66,210 paid £33,950 remaining….EF..160.00 total....(Total 66,370)..........()