Alzheimers & Bereavement.

Goldiegirl

My mum went through a stage of thinking that I was her sister. I think it must have been her sister that died young in the 1950's - I was always told that I looked like her.


I just went along with it - if it made my mum happy to think I was her sister, then I was happy too.


Later, when my mum was worse, I'm not really sure who she thought I was, but she always knew that I was someone special to her, for which I'm very grateful - I think it would have been the toughest thing of all to deal with if she didn't know me at all


With dementia, all the normal rules don't count anymore, you go with gut feeling to do what will make the sufferer happy - even if it means white lies and not telling them things that, in normal circumstances they would have the right to know.


I suspect the 'he must be told about his wife's death' supporters may not have dealt first hand with dementia. Sometimes it's kinder to hide the truth in this sort of situation

theoretica

We are mostly taking it that there are two options - but there may well be three:
Don't tell him
Tell him often
Tell him once (and see if he forgets, presumably he would forget both the news and his upset)

MrsChook

Why not tell the family that if you do tell your Uncle, he will likely forget the information almost straight away. What will they expect/suggest that you do then - keep telling him the information every time you see him? Risk upsetting your Uncle over and over again?

Tuesday_Tenor

The last 2 posters have mentioned particularly pertinent things:

Goldiegirl wrote: »

With dementia, all the normal rules don't count anymore, you go with gut feeling to do what will make the sufferer happy - even if it means white lies and not telling them things that, in normal circumstances they would have the right to know.

I think that has to be your overall guidance.
His son is the one whose gut feeling should be respected.

The son should consider this, but in the above context:

theoretica wrote:

Tell him once (and see if he forgets, presumably he would forget both the news and his upset)

It's possible that even in his dementia-riddled state the news would make some lasting sense of his wife's absence, enable him to grieve and share his grief and his memories of her with other grieving family members. Perhaps he should be given the chance to experience this with the rest of th family?
It's more likely that he will forget both the news and the any distress caused by it. He will continue to experience the distress at his wife's absence and will continue to ask after her. There will be no point in repeating the sad truth, just provide 'in the moment' reassurance: that she's doing something else, sends her love, will be along later, etc..

GobbledyGook

If the people treating him, and the poor man who is dealing with the loss of his mother and his father having alzheimers think he shouldn't be told then the rest of the people should keep their noses out imo.

My Nana had dementia and was told two or three times that my Grandad and/or her parents were dead before I put a stop to it. It left her absolutely devastated, even though it was only for a short time before she forgot she still had all those emotions that we have when we lose someone. Then people thought it was appropriate to put her through that time and time again. Why? She forgot 'he's at work' or 'you'll see him later' just as quick, but without the utter devastation so why would you put them through that uncessarily.

I'd have been livid as her main carer/the person who had to deal with most of the fall out if other people thought their opinions meant they should just over-rule me and the people who cared for her in the home. They shouldn't be adding to the son's stress at a time like this.

stir_crazy

My gran has Alzheimer's and it has gotten to to the stage that she knows harldy anyone, and she can no longer hold a conversation. When my grandafather died the family made the decision not to tell her. Upsetting her would be pointless as her memory is so bad now that she would continually forget that he died and would have to be told again and again.

tea_lover

My Nan was incredibly confused after her last stroke. She often thought I was her mum, I just went along with it. Held her hand, chatted to her, asked her about her day when she told me she'd been working in the co-op after school (she was 89, and in hospital).

You can't force someone to remember or accept this reality when their brain is just no longer capable of that. It's far kinder (imo) to join them in their reality when possible.

bugslet

If the staff have suggested that it's not in is best interest to hear and his closest relative think that it's better not to, then to me it's pretty clear that should be respected.

Mr Bugs had dementia and it did get to a point where it was pointless and kinder to not let him know anything that really didn't impact him. For a while he believed that his nursing home was an office and that the other people were truck drivers and transport managers.

It's a tough time for you and your family.

Mr_Toad

bugslet wrote: »

If the staff have suggested that it's not in is best interest to hear and his closest relative think that it's better not to, then to me it's pretty clear that should be respected.

Mr Bugs had dementia and it did get to a point where it was pointless and kinder to not let him know anything that really didn't impact him. For a while he believed that his nursing home was an office and that the other people were truck drivers and transport managers.

It's a tough time for you and your family.

Mum alternates between thinking her care home is either an office where she works or a hotel where she's on holiday.

Either way she's blissfully happy which is good enough for me. Some people with dementia are permanently confused and frightened and even constant reassurance doesn't help because no sooner is it given than they forget.

I'm just so pleased Mum isn't like that as it must be a terrible thing.

Armchair23

My MIL had vascular dementia, my husband and his brother started out by trying to 'correct' her when she got things wrong time wise or misremembered things, thinking they could somehow make her better or get her back on track . This just made everyone unhappy.

It took them some time and a very good care home to realise that truth and reality has a different meaning for dementia sufferers and their families.

Go with the flow, there's been some very good advice already, and I'd agree with just letting things pass. He's popped out for a bit, he's down the allotment, up the pub etc., If it seems to diffuse the situation it's most likely the right thing to say.

My MIL used to put her coat on and stand waiting for the taxi,train or whatever. My husband used to say don't be silly Mum you're not going anywhere, he learnt to say you just can't rely on trains these days do you want a cup of tea in your room while you wait ? Much less distressing and by the time she was back in her room she had no thought of trains anyhow.

It's very easy for well meaning people to offer advice (count me in) but they wont be around to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong.
So good advice from those who know and care is much more relevant than well meaning relatives .

All the best and good luck.