Alzheimers & Bereavement.

tooldle

This is a difficult one. My mum has dementia, and was also moved into a home when my dad died. She was unable to remember what had happened to dad. I had to tell her over and over that he was dead. She kept looking for dad for some months, before it suddenly stopped. I think it would be kinder to not tell your uncle myself.
I wish you the best whatever you decide,

Babbawah

Errata wrote: »

It may be the case that he'll forget he's been told his wife has died and will have to be told over and over again, each time experiencing heartbreak anew.
It does very much depend on his awareness of where he is and how his memory is affected.

Thank you.

This is what we have been told by those treating him.

Babbawah

troubleinparadise wrote: »

Having lived with someone with dementia, I would say it very much depends what stage your uncle is at with his Alzheimer's, and how he is in himself.

For some sufferers, due to the nature of their poor memory, they may have forgotten that person already; or forget they have been told; or have lost their ability to feel emotions and not take in the news with any sense of loss or bereavement.

Or they may repeatedly remember, having to go through their loss anew again and again, which can be terrible for them and those around them.

With dementia, we have to join the person who has the disease in their world, not try to force them back into our world and our normal as we perceive it. Looking after a person with dementia has to be done with their best interests at heart, not with our perception of the "right way" of doing things.

So I'd say it all depends on your Uncle's situation, and how he is in himself.

You might find the Alzheimer's Society forum a help with your question:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forum.php

on there it is often found that telling white lies, told to save having to cause upset and not to mislead, are a kinder way than harsh truths.

Thank you.

You have been a BIG help.

Errata

I guess the trick of being kind to people with dementia is to live in their world because that's their only reality.

bagpussbear

I've been in this situation.

I had to tell my mum her partner had just died. She was, by this point, in a care home and her Alzheimers was pretty progressed. I felt it was the right thing to do to tell her even though I didn't think it would register too much.

However, she became very confused and upset. And I realised I had brought her sadness and grief that she was no longer equipped to deal with in the normal way a human being deals with grief. And of course when visiting hours were over, I had to leave her to go home, leaving her upset and not being able to communicate properly to anyone else at the home how she was obviously feeling. It upsets me to think about it even now.

So in hindsight, it was - for my mum - the wrong decision to tell her.

thorsoak

I have a friend whose mother suffered from dementia, and had been moved into a lovely home, her husband of almost 45 years visited her regularly, and she thought of him as her "sweetheart" - she'd forgotten that they had been married, shared a home, had 3 children.

He had bowel cancer and sadly died, some nine months ago. Her family didn't tell her, as she didn't really remember him as her husband. When a cousin came to visit her some time after the funeral, she said "Oh Jeff will be coming in later", her cousin said - but he's dead. Now poor Sally breaks her heart over her sweetheart who died, she thinks, before they married, whilst doing his National Service.

DaveTheMus

Chances are if he is told that he won't remember in the morning so will have to be told again...

... a pointless exercise IMO and a nosey intrusive bunch your family seem....

I'd tell them to F off

74jax

My mum forgets her mum has died, even though she has been dead for about twenty years.

She used to say we need to pop round to visit and dad had to say she was dead, cue mum crying over again. Now dad just says 'later' and mum forgets.

Hermia

DaveTheMus wrote: »

Chances are if he is told that he won't remember in the morning so will have to be told again...

... a pointless exercise IMO and a nosey intrusive bunch your family seem....

I'd tell them to F off

I agree! It always amazes me in cases of illness how it is family members who are not the immediate relative who start throwing their weight around. I nursed my dad for six months until he died and it was relatives who only visited a couple of times who were suddenly experts in his treatment. I remember the hospice nurse saying she saw this a lot.

Goldiegirl

My mum and dad were also married for 48 years.

My mum had dementia, and my dad was effectively her carer.

But he was taken ill, and had to go into hospital, so my mum went into a care home, initially for respite care.

She forgot him, almost immediately.

I took her to see my dad in hospital, and I'm glad that I did, as my dad was thrilled to see her.

But when we left the hospital, she acted like it was the first time she had met him, and was saying things like 'he seems like a nice man'

A week later, my dad died.

I decided to tell my mum. She had a shocked look on her face, but then she just went on to talk about something else. So I tried again, and the same thing happened, a shocked look, but she just went on to talk about something else. She wasn't upset at all.

I decided not to take her to the funeral, as I couldn't see anyone would benefit from it. My mum would be at a funeral for someone she couldn't remember, and wouldn't really know what was going on. I would have been trying to look after my mum, and I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to my dad.

She never, ever asked after him. I did try talking about him, and showed her photos, but it was clear she had no idea who it was.

It sounds sad, but in fact I prefer that it happened like that, as she never had to grieve for him.

On the other hand, when I visited my mum at the care home, one of the residents was always asking where her husband was. Each time, the care workers told her that he was dead, and she'd get upset. Then a bit later, she'd have forgotten, and she asked for him again, and they'd tell her again that he was dead, and she'd get upset again.

It struck me as being cruel, making her re-live the worse news of her life again and again, like some terrible Groundhog Day

It would have been much more kind just to say that he'd be visiting later on.

I think the son's wishes should be respected - he knows and loves his dad best and has his best interests at heart.