Alzheimers & Bereavement.

Babbawah

Here's a good one for the MSE massif.

My no' 1 bestest favourite surviving uncle was diagnosed with Alzheimers over 2yrs ago and 8 days ago his wife for 48yrs died of a massive heart attack.

His only son forbids anyone to tell him & I agree with him.

However, it is ripping the family apart. There is a growing contingent within the family who insist that my uncle *MUST* be told & if his only son doesn't then they are going to take matters into their own hands & tell him themselve's.

Together with my cousin + a few others we are in a minority, but feel that he is right.

Please feel free to either agree or disagree, your input might help to make sense of this nonsense.

McKneff

Does he not keep asking where she is. Seems very strange.


And yes, I think he should be told but I think his son knows best and has his best interests in mind so this should be respected. Tell your family who are threatending to tell him to mind their own businesses.

Babbawah

McKneff wrote: »

Does he not keep asking where she is. Seems very strange.

Yes he does, all the time & it is heart breaking. He's been moved to a home now that she's passed.

McKneff wrote: »

And yes, I think he should be told but I think his son knows best and has his best interests in mind so this should be respected. Tell your family who are threatending to tell him to mind their own businesses.

The point is .... Why is the son, + a precious few others, right in not telling him?

Why do YOU think he should be told, please remember that he has Alzheimers !

Georgiegirl256

I don't know how far advanced your Uncles Alzheimer's is, and how much information he is or isn't still taking in? So it's hard to say for sure whether or not he should be told.

My own personal view is that I feel he should be told. But I guess only your family know how distressed he would be and how much information he would actually retain.

jackomdj

It would depend upon your Uncle. Does he remember his wife/is he going to remember that he has been told that she has died?

I think the family should respect the sons wishes. Although families are funny things and sometimes what should be done isn't!

Scottie_dog

Hi
So sorry for your loss. My grandmother had Alzheimer's, I'm very aware of how awful it is to see loved ones suffer from this cruel disease. Is your uncle aware that your aunt has gone (I mean has he asked why she hasn't been to visit etc, assuming he is in a care home?).
My gran was in a care home and the only person she recognised was my dear grandpa. She would not eat unless my grandpa fed her so he made 4 visits to the care home every single day in the 2 years she was there. My mum, dad and I visited every night but she didn't know who we were or why we were there. It was frustrating sometimes but my grandpa needed our support. I'm not sure what we would have done if anything had happened to my grandpa but I'm pretty sure my gran would not have understood if we had to tell her that he was gone and wasn't coming back.
I don't think we would have told her.
Best wishes to you and your family.

splishsplash

Normally, I would say out of respect for the man who spent 48 years of his life with his wife, he deserves to be told and given the chance to grieve and say goodbye. I (just a personal thing) hate to see people making decisions on behalf of others when it's really just to save themselves the discomfort of dealing with a difficult situation.

Having said that, having had the disease for two years might impact how or when the information is passed on. It might be worth taking advice from other people outside the family - other families, carers, health professionals, support groups, talking point, etc.

Best of luck, very tough situation. It doesn't matter who is right really, there's no good outcome here .

Errata

Babbawah wrote: »

Yes he does, all the time & it is heart breaking. He's been moved to a home now that she's passed.



The point is .... Why is the son, + a precious few others, right in not telling him?

Why do YOU think he should be told, please remember that he has Alzheimers !

It may be the case that he'll forget he's been told his wife has died and will have to be told over and over again, each time experiencing heartbreak anew.
It does very much depend on his awareness of where he is and how his memory is affected.

troubleinparadise

Having lived with someone with dementia, I would say it very much depends what stage your uncle is at with his Alzheimer's, and how he is in himself.

For some sufferers, due to the nature of their poor memory, they may have forgotten that person already; or forget they have been told; or have lost their ability to feel emotions and not take in the news with any sense of loss or bereavement.

Or they may repeatedly remember, having to go through their loss anew again and again, which can be terrible for them and those around them.

With dementia, we have to join the person who has the disease in their world, not try to force them back into our world and our normal as we perceive it. Looking after a person with dementia has to be done with their best interests at heart, not with our perception of the "right way" of doing things.

So I'd say it all depends on your Uncle's situation, and how he is in himself.

You might find the Alzheimer's Society forum a help with your question:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forum.php

on there it is often found that telling white lies, told to save having to cause upset and not to mislead, are a kinder way than harsh truths.

Babbawah

Scottie_dog wrote: »

Hi
So sorry for your loss. My grandmother had Alzheimer's, I'm very aware of how awful it is to see loved ones suffer from this cruel disease. Is your uncle aware that your aunt has gone (I mean has he asked why she hasn't been to visit etc, assuming he is in a care home?).
My gran was in a care home and the only person she recognised was my dear grandpa. She would not eat unless my grandpa fed her so he made 4 visits to the care home every single day in the 2 years she was there. My mum, dad and I visited every night but she didn't know who we were or why we were there. It was frustrating sometimes but my grandpa needed our support. I'm not sure what we would have done if anything had happened to my grandpa but I'm pretty sure my gran would not have understood if we had to tell her that he was gone and wasn't coming back.
I don't think we would have told her.
Best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you.

I need to share real life experiences of Alzheimers because this is my first time with someone so close.

My uncle seems to recognise me more often than his son, yet he thinks we are both still 6yrs old. This is Alzheimers !

Hermia

Errata wrote: »

It may be the case that he'll forget he's been told his wife has died and will have to be told over and over again, each time experiencing heartbreak anew.

I agree. I cannot see how it would be in someone's best interest to be told their wife has died and experience that pain/confusion again and again and again. Whenever my friend's mum asks about her husband everyone just tells her he has popped to the shops etc and she is happy with that. She can't seem to retain any information so I cannot see the point of people upsetting her with horrible news.