How to handle very nosey (and quite pushy) friend

Indie_Kid

pollypenny wrote: »

Apart from the comments on finance, I'd say she's just making conversation.

I was out with friends last night and we talked about holidays, including when we are going. China in June.

But there's no reason to be so pushy about it. A friend talks about going on holiday. Or rather, it's "sorry. I can't pick you up that week because we're on holiday". I then, when he returns, ask how his holiday was. (partly because, for example, he mentioned Dublin and I am planning on going there. I mentioned that and he gave me some advice and told me what he did there)

He has invited me to go to France with him at the end of June and I've mentioned it a few times. Partly to do with booking stuff and because I thought there was a gig (we both attend a music group) one of the evenings we're away and I wanted to check before putting my name down.

Domayne

PasturesNew wrote: »

Etiquette has always said there are some things one simply doesn't discuss. Politics is one of them.

So, you're inventing things you don't care about in order to speak to people that .... well, you've nothing really in common with.

... and people wonder why my social skills are lacking. I'd just not speak to anybody than invent subjects about which I knew/cared nothing, simply to talk to people!

My social skills are lacking too.
If I could just sit here and talk to no-one all day, I'd be happy. But I was told that I should make more effort to talk to people in the building - I do security and I'm on the main desk/reception and hundreds of people walk past me all day....what am I supposed to talk about? I do not know.
All I know is that I'm sick of talking/hearing about the weather.
Threads like this remind me why I can't even be bothered with people in the first place.

DigForVictory

Just listening to what you say about her, I'd tag her as lonely.

PITA also, but while I wish you a happy holiday & all good luck fending the anaconda off a bit, it's maybe something to consider?

aileth

I think the finance questions are out of bounds, but she might not even know that. I've known a lot of people who think discussing personal finances is fair game and totally acceptable. I'm sure a lot of people bring it up maliciously, but a lot of people are also clueless.

I think all the other topics are totally harmless, and to me it's as if she's desperately trying to think up things to talk to you about.

I'm sure most of us have done it, where we're sat in a pub or a shop with a friend which we see regularly, nothing whatsoever has happened in the past week worthy of conversation, so you talk about things past talked about, or fillers, because she's hoping when she asks you about New York you'll go, "Oh yes, we're going in X", and then it opens up realms upon realms of questions to continue and have a good conversation.

Regarding getting annoyed at you going to the pub without her, it's a bit out of order, but she's probably pretty lonely and that's why she gets upset.

Regarding not wanting people at your house, or to go to other's houses, I completely understand as I'm like that as well, but does -she- know that? I hate going out drinking/nightlife etc, my friends used to invite me out all the time and it used to get on my nerves, I simply told them, "Sorry, I really don't like doing X", and they stopped inviting me.

I didn't get offended as I knew they weren't inviting me because they knew I didn't like it, they didn't get offended I constantly turned them down because they knew why I had been refusing them. Win win.

If you haven't told her that you don't like house visits vice-versa, then she probably has no idea and simply sees it as normal friendship behaviour of visiting one another's houses.

Indie_Kid

aileth wrote: »

I hate going out drinking/nightlife etc, my friends used to invite me out all the time and it used to get on my nerves, I simply told them, "Sorry, I really don't like doing X", and they stopped inviting me.

I didn't get offended as I knew they weren't inviting me because they knew I didn't like it, they didn't get offended I constantly turned them down because they knew why I had been refusing them. Win win.

If you haven't told her that you don't like house visits vice-versa, then she probably has no idea and simply sees it as normal friendship behaviour of visiting one another's houses.

Yeah. I've had this too. I don't like nightclubs and the like; so I don't get invited. I did once get told "we're not excluding you. We know you don't like it." That's fine. You can't please everyone.

barbarawright

I probably ask my friends too often when they're going on holiday because I have a memory like a goldfish. So I guess I say 'You must be excited about New York, remind me when you're going' several times because, frankly, who does remember other people's holiday dates? I'm not bothered about the answer but it's called conversation and it's polite to be interested in other people just like I might ask about the model railway or the choir or the marathon even if I'm not particularly interested. Doesn't seem odd at all to me I wouldn't ask detailed questions about finance though but that may be just her being a bit gauche. But I don't think 'Gosh, how do you manage not working full-time, do you need to cut back?' is particularly nosy

Georgiegirl256

Domayne wrote: »

But I was told that I should make more effort to talk to people in the building - I do security and I'm on the main desk/reception and hundreds of people walk past me all day....what am I supposed to talk about? I do not know.

I don't think they meant for you to conduct an exit poll!

I think if you haven't even got the conviction to vote yourself, then it's abit rude to ask other people's they voted for.

maman

OP, I think you might be over analysing the situation.


I think you and DH have just come across someone who has different ideas of what it is to make friends. I think it might be quite common.


My DD2 seems to have fallen into this lifestyle. She moved into a newbuild and all the neighbours seemed to be in and out of each others houses, fixing up BBQs and parties. As a young mum at the time, she just seemed to love this. Maybe it's about a void to be filled. Then when DGD went to school she met a whole wider group, again constantly in and out of each others houses, looking after each others children, gossiping about personal stuff IMO like living in a soap opera. Next step the partners get involved then they start going out for evenings then weekends away then holidays.


I've never lived like this so found it odd (still do really) but I am aware that it happens.


I'd just stick to your guns, chat occasionally in the pub and leave it there. I wouldn't get all geared up with how to put them down just brazen it out and ignore questions you find intrusive.

duchy

Domayne wrote: »

My social skills are lacking too.
If I could just sit here and talk to no-one all day, I'd be happy. But I was told that I should make more effort to talk to people in the building - I do security and I'm on the main desk/reception and hundreds of people walk past me all day....what am I supposed to talk about? I do not know.
All I know is that I'm sick of talking/hearing about the weather.
Threads like this remind me why I can't even be bothered with people in the first place.

I speak to people in my work every day -all my jobs have been "social contact heavy",

There are certain things you don't talk about - Money (I'm sure you don't ask them how much they earn) Religion -and Politics with customers/clients/acquaintances as it tends to offend.

If any of my customers had asked me how I'd voted yesterday I'd have avoided the question - as it is none of their darn business and I'd have thought them quite rude. The election has come up a few times with both colleagues and customers - "Have you been to vote yet" is acceptable "Who did you vote for " isn't. To be honest if I asked a customer how they had voted I'd probably be up on a disciplinary in my job

I'd stick to the weather or a cheery "Good morning" -If it's boring then tough - think of it as part of the job not a form of personal entertainment

I don't think I've asked any of my friends directly how they've voted- some I know how they feel politically so can be pretty sure how they voted -others I don't know - I might discuss how I feel it is important to vote - but I'd never say how to vote-that is where the line is drawn. For someone who doesn't vote and admits they don't care about politics anyway-and thinking voting for our government is the same as voting for an X factor contestant - I'd think they were just nosey - and a bit rude TBH. It's very easy to be inappropriate when you don't have a good social sense or filter. A smile and sticking to "Good morning" and "Lovely day isn't it" is probably safer in keeping your job when you don't understand the boundaries.

As the OP has shown -even when people *are* social and are friends- people have different boundaries and it is easy to annoy or offend. I always ask people about their holiday plans as I love to travel and used to work in the business so can chat on about most places -and it is usually a safe subject but as the OP has said for them it can get too intrusive if too much detail -like dates are asked for. (although I did wonder why they are waiting to book as flights to NYC usually are more expensive 2 weeks before rather than booking ahead so I'd be curious about that and would probably ask - and maybe to the OP that would be too intrusive ....so it's not easy to get it right!))

Politics are like sex -some people love to talk about it- others feel it is very private It's always better to not assume everyone wants to discuss their preferences with acquaintances or workmates !!!

January20

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Me and DH know this couple who we socialise with every 4- 5 weeks (drinks at the local pub.) We met them at the New Year's Eve do in the small town we live in, in December 2013.

They are OK, and fairly decent company, but are starting to become quite pushy this past 3-4 months, and they are very, very nosey.

Eg; I work part time for an employer (3 days a week) and have a little job that I do from home (5-10 hours a week,) and my husband works full time.

At least 6 times, she has asked how I manage to only work 3 days, and 'Steve must be on good money if you don't work full time' and 'what do you do on your four days off?' and 'you must get bored, why do you not work full time?' Our financial situation is none of their business, and frankly, we are absolutely fine.

Also, we mentioned (in January) that we are going to book a trip to New York this Spring/summer. At LEAST 10 times in the past 6 weeks, she has asked when we are going to New York, have we booked our New York trip yet? What dates are we planning on going? Are we still going? We will have to let them know when we are going!!!

When we go to the local pub and don't tell them, they (especially her) get offended, because we didn't tell them we were going!

They have asked us to their house about 20 times! We have been just 3 times, as we don't much like going to peoples house, and keep having to make excuses to not go. They have come to ours just once, because we HATE visitors. This is our sanctuary, and although we don't mind meeting up with people for coffee at Costa or for a beer at the pub, we don't want folk in our home. She has said about 6 times in 6 weeks 'we will have to come to yours next.' We just smile and change the subject.

This week, they were trying to fish for who we were voting for in the the election. They are just the type to judge us for whoever we vote for, (and tell everyone probably!)

She moans every waking hour about her job: she has changed jobs SEVEN times in 18 months. It's a wonder she can even get one now!

She struggles to fathom how we can afford the house we have if I 'only work 3 days.'

They (especially her) are just so nosey and inquisitive.

How would you handle them?

Please don't be horrible. I am just having a rant and a vent as she ONCE AGAIN asked 'when is your New York trip then?' today, when I saw her at the store, and I said (once again!) 'Not sure: soon I hope.' (We plan on booking it literally 2 weeks before we go!) I am questioning her motives in wanting to know so much about it. Why is she so interested?

I know you may well say 'if they are that bad, why don't you ditch them?' but it's not that easy, and they are OK sometimes, and can be a bit of a laugh.

I think if you were more honest with your "friends" you wouldn't have these problems!

Why don't you honestly tell them you don't like discussing money and work?

Why don't you tell them you will be booking the holiday about a couple of weeks in advance? She keeps asking because most people would plan this kind of trip many weeks, if not months before it is to take place.

Why don't you tell them honestly you don't like visitors in your home? Are you ashamed of this decision? This is your home. It's your choice to receive visitors or not!

Why don't you say you don't like to visit other people's homes? Again, are you unsure of the validity of your choice?

I don't think your "friend" is too nosey. I think you want to keep her at arms length (nothing wrong with that) when she would like a closer relationship (again nothing wrong with that) but where you are going wrong is by p-u-s-s-y-footing around the issue and not being completely clear and honest with her. No need to tell lies as other posters have suggested. If you do it right, she shouldn't be offended. If you can't be honest, then end the relationship. It would be kinder!